


Egeria's Legacy

by Annerb



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Drama, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-30
Updated: 2007-01-29
Packaged: 2017-10-19 02:33:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 61,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/195882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annerb/pseuds/Annerb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tok'ra trouble is brewing and Sam gets caught in the middle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Disintigration

Sam knew she should be paying attention.  After all, Daniel was discussing information that was important to their mission today, her first mission in over a month.  For some reason, though, Sam felt herself incapable of focusing.  Part of her was awake enough to acknowledge that this was exactly the sort of distraction that could get you into a lot of trouble in the field.

The thought made Sam shift uneasily in her chair and she hissed as her leg began to cramp, almost as if trying to remind her of specific dangers.  She must have made some audible sound because Jack glanced in her direction.  Sam pasted a smile on her face and stared raptly at Daniel’s forehead until Jack finally looked away.

As circumspectly as possible, Sam rubbed at her protesting muscle under the table.  It had been more than a month since her injury, but it still bothered her more than she would admit to her team, let alone Janet.  It wasn’t like it was the worst injury Sam had ever had, but for some reason this one lingered and Sam was finding it hard to bounce back as she always had before.

Even the dreams were persisting longer than they usually did.  She woke up far too often breathing heavily, feeling the need to flee the super soldier that she knew, with absolute certainty, would never stop hunting her. 

When her dreams weren’t filled with the hopeless feeling of a preyed upon animal, they would turn to her father, long absent.  She had been barely cognizant when he had come to say goodbye, explaining why he needed to stay with the Tok’ra, to try and mend their relations with Earth.  They had heard nothing at all from their former allies in the intervening weeks and they had since changed base locations.  There was now absolutely no contact between the two peoples and Sam dreaded that her father might need her and she would never know.  Or worse, that he could be out there dying, and no one would even bother to tell her.

Needless to say, Sam avoided sleeping these days.  But there was another sort of waking nightmare that haunted her thoughts, primarily focused around the man who was sitting next to her, stealing what he surely thought were covert glances.  He was concerned and she knew exactly why.  On that damn planet with the super soldier, she had given everything she had to escape it, knowing it would never tire, but knowing that she had to try.  She had run and hid and schemed, trying to find any way to save herself, even as her energy seeped out with every drop of her blood.  Her last ditch effort had been the missile.  But when that thing had crawled back out of the dirt, completely unharmed, not ten feet from where Sam rested, she had done the unforgivable. 

She had given up. 

It had only been for a moment, for a split-second, but it was long enough that if Jack and Teal’c hadn’t shown up when they had, she would be dead.

The worst part was that he knew.  He had sat there with her in the aftermath, his arm around her and she knew that he had seen her quit.  And it had scared him just as much as it had scared her.  Sam tried not to think of how safe she had felt, leaning against him, feeling his fear for her translate into fingers digging almost painfully into her shoulder.

He had been relieved and pissed and worried, and he still was.  She imaged that she could feel it emanating off of him.  Once she had finally left the infirmary, though, he had silently driven her home and she hadn’t seen him again for two weeks.

According to Pete, Jack had come by to see her once during her forced leave from the base.  At hearing a knock at the door Sam had slowly crutched her way out of her room, only to find Pete in the living room.  When she had asked who was at the door, he had just smiled that teasing grin and said, “Your Colonel.”  Sam had nearly tripped over the edge of her rug and Pete ran to her side to steady her.  Then he had shaken his head, said something under his breath about ‘a big waste’ and gone to the kitchen to make her some hot chocolate.

Sam closed her eyes at the thought of Pete, no longer even bothering to pretend to be listening to Daniel.  When she had been stuck on the planet, no one had bothered to call Pete and during her week in the infirmary, Sam hadn’t thought to remind anyone.  When she’d finally gotten home, she’d found multiple messages from him and had instantly felt terribly guilty.  She’d told herself that she just wasn’t used to having anyone to come back to, but it rang hollow, even to her own ears.

Pete had immediately driven out to her place, taken one look at her, all pale and weak with stitches on her forehead and her leg in a brace and said, “I don’t think I can do this, Sam.”

Sam had just nodded, trying to ignore the swelling feeling of failure.  She couldn’t really blame him.

He had kneeled down beside her, one hand gently brushing her hair back from her face, and held her as she cried.  For some reason, she had never had a problem crying in front of Pete.  Maybe because she never felt like she had anything to prove to him.

They had talked for hours, when at one point Pete finally confessed, “You know, it’s not just the danger you’re always in.  Sometimes I feel like you were never quite here with me.”

Sam had just stared at him for a moment in confusion, even as images of Jack’s arm around her flashed unbidden in her mind.  But that was something she wasn’t even allowed to think about, let alone confess to her ex-boyfriend of five minutes.

Pete had stared at her for long moments before saying, “When you have nightmares, you always ask for him.”

Sam could feel color filling her cheeks, even as she said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Pete didn’t push, he just said, “You really don’t, do you?” in a sort of sad, awed voice, before he got up, tucked a blanket around her and brought her a bowl of ice cream.

He stayed with her for the next week and half.  He kept her supplied with chick flicks and ice cream and cooked for her.  At night, he slept in the guest room and carefully avoided Sam’s taboo topics, mainly anything having to do with her CO.

When she was finally off her crutches, he had packed his bags and said goodbye.  At the door, Sam had grabbed him into a hug and said “Thank you,” in his ear.

“For what?”

For taking care of her, for being there for her, for being so understanding.  Her list went on and on.  “For being you, Pete,” was all she had ended up saying.

He had smiled warmly at her, given her a kiss on the cheek and made her promise to check in with him every once and a while.

Staring at his back as he walked away, Sam had felt a strange mingling of grief and relief.  She tried not to think too hard about the relief. 

A soft sigh escaped her lips before Sam could remember her surroundings.  She felt those eyes on her again and tried to refocus on Daniel only to realize that the room had emptied of people.

“Carter?”

Tightly controlled concern was hidden beneath his slightly mocking tone.  He had noticed her lack of attention and was wondering if she was really ready to get back in the field.  She knew this because she was wondering the same thing. 

It made her irrationally angry at that moment, though, the fact that they always spoke in undertones, every word loaded with questions and concerns that might be, God forbid, misinterpreted by someone if they ever spoke them out loud.

He stiffened beside her, reminding her that he could read her better than anyone.  She willed the anger away, knowing he didn’t deserve it.

One deep breath and she met his eyes, forcing a smile on her face.  “Sorry, sir.  Must have let my attention wander.”

He stared at her a moment longer than was probably proper.  “Well,” he said, “Daniel’s reports tend to have that effect.  Nice to know you’re as human as the rest of us.”

Ah, Sam thought, a gentle reminder not to push herself too fast.  “Guess I just fell out of practice there for a bit.  Shouldn’t take long to get the hang of it again, sir.”

He smiled and she knew he had gotten her message.  _I just need to get back in the field and then everything will be fine.  
_  
Pushing back from the table, he stretched his back.  “Well, want to rejuvenate over some coffee and cake?”

Sam nodded and sent him a genuine smile, probably the first since all of this had begun.  But as she followed him out of the briefing room, something in the back of her mind nagged.  Jack had accepted her reasoning, trusting her to know her limits.  She just hoped they were both right.

*     *     *

Daniel adjusted his pack one last time, mainly as an excuse to circumspectly watch the rest of his team.  He was glad to be back with them after having been farmed out to various teams for the last few weeks.

His position as a member of the infamous SG-1 and the fact that he was the one to get the gate working in the first place lent him a certain amount of prestige in the SGC.  He had even managed to earn some respect in the eyes of the military members (Especially once he had finally learned all those hand signals they used.  Hey, he was a linguist.).  But somehow, no matter all that, Daniel always felt like an outsider on other teams, someone the military CO had serious problems relating to more often than not.  
He had missed Jack’s exasperated understanding, Teal’c’s reassuring companionship and Sam’s warmth.  It was a little like coming home to have them all together again.  But, if he kept with the ‘home’ analogy, something was a bit off about the command unit of their little family.  He could use the ‘parent’ analogy, but he was somehow convinced that Sam would know he had even thought it and hurt him badly.

Jack was worried about Sam, Daniel could tell.  He kept stealing glances that Sam was obviously aware of but chose to ignore.  Daniel got the distinct impression that this first mission back was a cakewalk (mineral survey on an uninhabited planet) specifically for this reason.

Daniel knew Sam had been through a lot this last month, her injury, saying goodbye to her father, and as she had just finally confessed to him, her break-up with Pete.  But it was still Sam and he had a hard time believing that she couldn’t handle anything.

His train of thought was abruptly derailed by the grinding spin of the gate and the smooth swoosh of a wormhole.

“Unauthorized off-world gate activation,” Walter’s voice called out over the PA as the iris slid efficiently closed.

Jack looked up at Walter in askance as the room flooded with guards.  Walter shook his head.  “We are not receiving an IDC, sir.”

Jack automatically turned to Sam, who started up the stairs to see what was going on when they were all frozen by the most hated sound in the SGC: a dull thud against the iris.

The wormhole blinked out an instant later.  Daniel glanced at Sam in the ensuing horrified silence.  Her face was ashen and she looked frozen to the spot.

“Major,” Jack called and Daniel saw that he had also been watching Sam.  “Find out what that was.”

Sam nodded.  “Yes, sir.”

In the distance, Daniel could hear Sam calling for a radiological team to analyze the residue on the iris.

“I really hope that wasn’t a person,” Daniel muttered to Teal’c.

“Indeed.”

*     *     *

“The Pangarans,” Sam said to the control room at large, the final analysis in her hands.

“Um…not an _actual_ Pangaran, I hope,” Jack said with a wince.

Sam smiled slightly and shook her head.  “No, but the radioactive signature matched the Sagan box we gave them.”

“Haven’t we given out dozens of them?  How do we know it’s them?”

“Because Sam designed them each to have a unique signature so we’d know who’s who,” Daniel said with exaggerated patience.

“Ah, of course,” Jack replied with a special glare he reserved just for Daniel.  Then he mumbled something about not getting his memos. 

“Are not the Pangarans the people who developed tretonin?” asked Teal’c.

“Yeah, Teal’c,” Sam answered.  “I wonder what they could want?  And why didn’t they just contact us by radio?”

“Well, only one way to find out.  General?” Jack said, turning to Hammond.

The General nodded.  “Send through a MALP.”

None of them had quite been prepared for what they found.  The MALP telemetry brought images of spectacular wreckage and towers of smoke deep in the distance.  There were dozens of people huddled by the gate, many with serious injuries.

One man eventually pulled away from the small crowd to speak into the MALP.

“Hello, this is General Hammond of Earth. We received your message.”

The man looked a bit frazzled but deeply relieved to be hearing from them.  “General, thank you for responding so quickly.  I am Ovron, Senior Minister of Agriculture.”

“What’s happened?” Sam asked.  “And where is Dollen?  Or Tagar?”

The man’s face seemed to crumple for a moment.  “I am not certain.  They have not shown up among the survivors.  I fear I am the senior-most government official left.  They… There was no warning…”

“Ovron,” Hammond said, “tell us what’s happened.”

“They attacked from the skies.  The factories and ministry buildings were hit first.  I never saw a single enemy, but I have heard reports that they ransacked the National Museum and the Temple on foot.  Also…it seems clear that many people were taken.”

“Taken?”

“Yes, a young boy who hid in the bushes nearby claims he saw our people herded through the Great Ring by people with glowing eyes.  But he is very young and was terrified, we cannot be sure.”

Daniel shared a glance with Sam.  Goa’uld.

“We are perilously low on shelter, medicine, and food.  I hate to ask, but we would be eternally grateful for any aid you could provide.”

“Of course,” Hammond said.  “We will be in touch very soon.”

Ovron’s shoulders seemed to sag with relief.  “Thank you,” he said with a low bow.

The wormhole shut down and Hammond gestured for SG-1 to follow him up to the briefing room.  “Observations?” he asked as they all sat down.

“This attack does not seem to follow the typical procedure of the Goa’uld,” Teal’c offered.

Sam nodded in agreement.  “Yeah, why bother flattening the city, taking a few slaves and then leaving?  Wouldn’t they typically claim the planet as their own?”

“It is possible that it was a minor Goa’uld with limited resources who simply needed a supply of humans,” Teal’c conceded.

“They were looking for something,” Daniel said.  Everyone turned to look at him.  “Ovron said that there were ground troops in the Temple and the National Museum.  Maybe the damage was just to distract the Pangarans.”

“And the kidnapping?” Hammond asked.

Daniel shrugged.  “Slaves?  Plain old maliciousness?  Who knows?  I’d just bet anything that there was something on that planet that they wanted.”

Hammond looked at Jack who just waved his hands in a ‘you’ve got me’ gesture.

“Well, SG-1, we’ll gather supplies and send them through.  It will be your job to figure out what the Goa’uld wanted with that planet.  Take a medical team and SG-3 as backup.”

“Yes, sir,” Jack replied, gesturing widely at his team.  “Let’s head out.”

*     *     *  
They met with Ovron near the edge of the city where a makeshift outdoor hospital had sprung up.

Jack took quick stock of the situation.  “Alright, SG-3, you stay with the medics.  Lend a hand where you can. Daniel, Teal’c, you check out the museum.  See what’s missing; see if you can find any clues as to what the snakes wanted.  Carter and I will check out the temple.”

Everyone nodded and went their separate directions.  Sam followed behind Jack and Ovron.  The temple was back near the Stargate, well outside the now smoldering city.  The fifteen-minute hike passed in silence, with Jack occasionally glancing back at Sam.  Her eyes were taking in the destruction as they passed and he wondered if she was even aware of the way she almost compulsively rubbed at her thigh.  He opened his mouth to ask her if it was bothering her, but he knew she wouldn’t tell him anyway.  He made a mental note to have a talk with her when they got back to the SGC, though.  Remind her that she wasn’t superwoman.

When they finally reached the temple, Jack was surprised to see quite a few people going in and out of the main chamber.  A sort of small city of tents had grown up around the area, now flooding what had once been a processional way for one pompous Goa’uld or another.

“What’s all this, Ovron?” Jack asked, waving one hand at the assembled crowd.

Ovron grimaced uneasily and looked almost embarrassed.  “The people are incredibly frightened.  Nothing of this magnitude has befallen out planet in centuries.  They are grasping at whatever they can to make themselves feel better.”

By this time, they had entered the main chamber and could see what Ovron was talking about.  Dozens of people milled about, many of them pausing to place lit candles against the back wall.  The wall itself was plastered with images of men, women and children.  The dead and missing, Jack realized with a jolt.  It was like an impromptu shrine and the floor was littered with flowers and other small tokens.  Some people kneeled together nearby; their heads bowed as if prayer.

Sam had wandered over closer to the wall, stretching out one hand to touch an image of a small child’s smiling face.

“Some people have begun to believe this is a punishment for turning our backs on the old gods,” Ovron explained sadly.

Jack felt anger burning low in his gut.  “The Goa’uld are not gods,” he reminded him in a low, tight voice that carried throughout the chamber.

“Yes, I know,” Ovron said.  “They will remember that, too, hopefully.  Maybe when this darkness passes.”

Jack didn’t say anything, knowing that this kind of darkness took a long time to pass.

Sam had finally torn her horrified eyes from the images that seemed to stare back at them in the flickering light.  She briefly touched Ovron on the shoulder.  “I am so sorry, Ovron.”

Ovron smiled slightly and patted at her hand.  “Yes, well, we have all suffered, have we not?”

“Yes,” Sam said and Jack watched as she tried to hide a grimace and her hand that twitched toward her leg.  That clinched it for Jack; they were definitively having a talk when they got back.  He had wanted to believe her that she just needed to get back into the swing of things, but something else was clearly bothering her.  Not that she would share it with him.  Maybe he could get Daniel to talk to her about it.  But for now, they needed to figure out what the damn Goa’uld wanted from this place.

“Carter, why don’t you check out those tunnels?  I’ll head that way,” he said gesturing behind him. 

“Yes, sir,” Carter said, her voice steady.

*     *     *

The tunnels wound around in the darkness, occasionally opening up into small chambers.  The walls were covered in Goa’uld script and looming figures representing the gods.  Sam’s wavering flashlight seemed to make the images come alive and she had to suppress a shudder.  She really hadn’t been afraid of the dark since she was two, but there was something about this place…

She’d felt strange ever since she set foot on this planet.  She had convinced herself she was just imagining things; that she was just out of practice.  The wormhole had probably just messed with her system after so long.  Not quite trusting herself, she didn’t bother saying anything about her unease to her teammates.

Now the strange feeling burgeoned into a nagging tingle in the back of her brain.  It was familiar, somehow, but she couldn’t place it, not here in the dark with the heavy thud of her heart as her only companion.  She realized she was beginning to panic and her leg chose that moment to seize up painfully.  Suddenly it was all too much and she pressed her back against the nearest wall, raising her weapon with a paranoid jerk.

Her harsh breathing filled the small space and she was finally convinced that someone was watching her.  Something was hunting her in the darkness.  She twisted to the left and her flashlight illuminated an empty hallway.  Twisting to the right, she almost dropped her weapon as a ghoulish face seemed to jump out of the darkness.  But it was just a wall carving of a jackal-headed demon, his inlaid eyes glimmering red in the light.

Panic clawed at her throat, but she forced her legs to move, her back sliding roughly against the wall.  Compulsively, an inexplicable urgency kept pushing her forward, even as each step filled her with more dread.  She had to keep ahead of it…at any cost.

She didn’t even hear the voice on her radio.

*     *     *

“Carter, come in, this is O’Neill.”

His only answer was static.

“Carter!” he demanded once more.  “Dammit,” he swore under his breath, before toggling his radio again, this time on a different frequency.  “Daniel, Teal’c.”

 _“O’Neill_ ,” came Teal’c’s quick reply.

“I’ve lost contact with Carter.  She went to check out some tunnels.  I’m going in after her.”

“ _Understood, O’Neill.  We will meet you in the temple_.”

Jack walked down the silent corridors for almost fifteen minutes before he finally noticed a flicker of light.  He picked up his pace and entered a small chamber that was barely larger than a storage closet.  At the back stood Sam with one hand pressed to the wall.

Jack barely had time to register her trembling fingers and harsh breathing before she spun around, her eyes wild, with her gun pointed straight at him.

“Carter!” he cried out, even as he knocked her gun to the side.  Two rounds impacted the wall next to his head.

Jack ripped the gun from her hands. “Jesus, Carter!  What the hell are you doing?”

Sam blinked a couple of times until her gaze finally focused on him.  Her hands flew to her mouth in horror.  “Oh my God…,” she rasped, leaning back against the rough wall behind her.

Jack watched her cautiously, still keeping one eye on the entrance behind them.  “What happened, Carter?  Is there something here?”

He wasn’t prepared for the slightly unhinged laugh that bubbled up from Sam’s throat.  She was still trembling, her chest heaving, but she was shaking her head.  “No…there’s nothing.”  The unsettling laughter stopped abruptly and one of her hands snaked out to latch onto Jack’s arm.  “What’s happening to me?” she whispered.

Jack was more than a little disconcerted by her behavior; fear was something one rarely saw in Sam Carter, even when she had more than ample reason for it.  He covered her hand with his, noticing the icy chill of her fingers.  “Carter…,” he started.

“O’Neill,” crackled Teal’c’s voice through the radio.

Jack resisted the urge to swear at the Jaffa’s impeccable timing and pulled his hand away from Sam’s.  “I’ve got her, Teal’c,” he answered, watching Carter withdraw and move a few faltering steps away from him.  “We’re heading back now.”

“Understood.”

By the time Carter turned back to him, her face was an impenetrable mask once more.  “Awaiting your orders, sir,” she said in a coolly formal voice.

Jack knew her well enough to see the slump of defeat in her shoulders beneath the rigid stance.  She had crossed a line today that neither of them could forget.  Falling back on protocol seemed to easiest way for her to hold together, he imagined.

Jack sighed once more, ran his hand through his hair and handed Sam back her P-90.  He saw her eyes flicker in surprise for a moment, moving from the shell impacts in the wall to his face, but she reached out one numb hand to take it.

“Let’s get out of here,” Jack said.  As they left the chamber he saw her pause and look back one more time, visibly shivering.  They walked the rest of the way back in utter silence.

Daniel and Teal’c were waiting for them in the main chamber, taking in the various shrines and mourners.

Jack walked up to them, aware of the Major still quietly shadowing him.  “What did you guys find in the Museum?”

Before Daniel could speak up, Sam interrupted.

“With your permission, sir, I’ll wait by the gate,” Sam said in a firm, but slightly dead voice.

Daniel was surprised to see Sam’s hands shaking and noticed that she wouldn’t quite meet Jack’s eyes.

Jack considered her for a long moment before nodding.  “Good idea, Major,” he said gruffly.  “We’ll be there in ten.”

Sam nodded once and exited the temple. 

Jack glanced at Teal’c, who inclined his head and quietly followed Sam.  Jack watched them retreat and ran one hand through his hair in frustration.

“What the hell was that?” Daniel asked.

“I wish I knew, Daniel,” Jack replied wearily, shaking his head.  “I wish I knew.”

*     *     *

Teal’c was still unsure what exactly had transpired between Sam and Jack in the temple, but it was obvious that whatever had happened had shaken them both.  After returning to Earth they’d all sat through their usual post-mission check-ups, but he hadn’t missed Jack pull Janet aside for a moment.  Nor had he missed the fact that Sam had been subjected to a more thorough exam than the rest.

Now they all sat around the briefing table, relaying what little they had been able to discover to General Hammond.

They had just begun to discuss the Museum and the fact that it would take a couple days to figure out what exactly was missing when the klaxons began to wail.  Their discussion was quickly abandoned as they all moved as a one into the control room.

“Receiving Tok’ra IDC, sir,” Walter supplied.

“Great, now what?” Jack grumbled to no one in particular, even as he began to head down to the gate room.

The wormhole rippled silently for several minutes, but nothing came through.  Just when they were all sure nothing would, a single figure stumbled through the event horizon before sinking to the ramp with a soft thud.

The wormhole blinked out and they rushed up the ramp to find Anise, her face ashen and her body trembling.  Sam knelt down by her side, pressing her fingers to the woman’s throat.  “Her pulse is erratic, sir.”

At the sound of Sam’s voice, Anise’s glazed eyes momentarily cleared.  With surprising strength, the Tok’ra grabbed Sam’s hand, pressing a small crystal into her palm.  “Keep it safe,” she rasped.  “Trust no one!”

With that cryptic warning, her eyes rolled back into her head, leaving Sam holding an unconscious Tok’ra and a mysterious crystal.

Teal’c could only muse that he had a really bad feeling about this.


	2. Combustion

Janet stood by Anise’s bed adjusting the various monitors and lines crisscrossing her patient. “She’s suffering from severe dehydration and malnutrition and there is some evidence of a recently healed injury,” she reported.

“Is she going to be alright?” Daniel asked as all of SG-1 and Hammond crowded into the infirmary while trying, rather unsuccessfully, not to get in the way.

Janet glanced up at Daniel and shrugged.  “I’ve put her on fluids, but in the end she just needs rest.  Both of them do.”

“When do you think we will be able to speak with her, Doctor?” Hammond asked from behind Daniel.

“I’m not sure, but I’ll let you know as soon as she wakes, sir.”

“Good, because we need some answers.  Meanwhile, what have you got, Major?” Hammond demanded, turning to Sam who was leaning inconspicuously near the door.

Sam fumbled with the folders she was holding.  “Umm…From what I can determine, sir, the crystal seems to contain the formula for the symbiote poison.”

“The symbiote poison?” Jack asked in surprise.  “Why would she bring that here?”

“She obviously thinks it needs to be protected from someone,” Daniel supplied, remembering her desperate words on the ramp before she collapsed.

“Any guesses who that might be?” asked Hammond.

“Or, god forbid, what?” added Jack.

Jack automatically looked to Sam, but she just shook her head and said, “No, sir.”

They all waited for her to qualify her statement, but it seemed there was no more information forthcoming.

Daniel cleared his throat awkwardly looking from Sam to Hammond.  “Then I guess we’ll just have to wait until Anise can tell us.”

“I agree,” concurred Hammond, giving Sam a long, measured glance before turning back to Janet.  “Let me know when she is awake, Doctor.”

Before Hammond left the infirmary, though, he turned to Jack.  “Colonel?  Wasn’t there something you wanted to talk to me about?”

Daniel didn’t think he imagined the way the atmosphere in the room rapidly changed.

But no one said anything.  Jack just nodded stiffly once while studiously not looking at Sam before following the General out the door.

Daniel tried to catch Sam’s eye but she just mumbled something about doing some work in her lab before disappearing out the door.

*     *     *

SG-1 and General Hammond all piled back into the infirmary less than two hours later.  Anise was still hooked up to a plethora of monitors, but her bed was slightly raised and her eyes were open.  

“Anise, Freya,” Hammond said in greeting.  “We’re glad to see you looking better.”

Anise nodded weakly, her head barely lifting from her pillow.  Her eyes traveled around the room, finally resting on Sam and staring hard at her.

“It’s safe,” Sam said, perhaps reading Anise’s concern.  “And we’ve had no off-world contact since you arrived.”

Anise visibly relaxed back into the bed.  “Thank you,” she rasped.

“We need you to tell us what’s happened,” Hammond said.  “Who are you trying to keep the formula from?”

“It is a long story…that you would already be privy to if we had been wise enough to heed Selmak’s council.”  Anise sighed and closed her eyes.  “All of this could have been avoided…”

“Just start at the beginning,” Daniel said, offering her a drink from a glass of water.

Anise nodded her thanks and took a deep breath.  “You have been aware of the growing tension between Selmak and the council, and, of course, the Tok’ra and the Tau’ri.  What you do not know is that this is simply symptomatic of a larger void growing between two groups within the Tok’ra.  The elder Tok’ra and the younger generation have been at odds lately how to proceed in our war against the Goa’uld.  Selmak was being systematically pushed out of her position of influence.  They claimed it was because she was being unduly influenced by her weak, Tau’ri host…but looking back, they must have seen Selmak and Jacob as a threat.”

“Wait a minute,” Daniel interrupted, “What do you mean by ‘younger generation’?  I was under the impression that besides the rare convert, there hasn’t been a ‘new’ Tok’ra born in nearly two thousand years, ever since Egeria was captured by Ra.”

Anise nodded slightly.  “It is true that our numbers are severely limited and that the Tok’ra have long been a dying race.  The loss of Egeria last year seemed to be a death knell for our people.  But it instead offered us a new, undreamed of chance.  Before Kelmaa, Egeria’s last host, died, she revealed to us that in Egeria’s mind she discovered that there was another Tok’ra Queen, the daughter of Egeria.  Her name was Petra and she was our last hope for survival as a people.”

“Okay, hold on,” Jack said, holding out his hands.  “I’ve never really gotten this whole ‘Queen’ thing.”

“Symbiotes are inherently sexless, sir, and incapable of reproduction,” Sam supplied, giving Anise a moment to rest.  “Only a Queen can produce offspring, so without Egeria, the Tok’ra had reached a critical population that could never be replenished.”

“So where does a Queen come from?” Jack asked, trying not to look disturbed by the discussion of snake reproduction.  

Daniel, as the guy most aware of the process, stood nearby with a pinched look to his face.  This was not a memory lane he cherished skipping down again.

Sam shook her head.  “I have no idea.”  

Jack raised one eyebrow at Sam’s blasé response and then turned to look at Anise.

“The production of a Queen is rare and takes the concentrated, full attention of a Queen to create her replacement.  Each Queen can only generate one in her lifetime.  It was precisely because of Egeria’s decision to produce a successor that ultimately led to her capture, we believe.  She was vulnerable and weak during the process, but she knew that the Tok’ra would never really have a chance without another Queen to spread our ideals and carry on the fight.”

“So there is a second Tok’ra Queen out there,” Daniel deduced.     

“Yes,” Anise said with a faint smile.  “She had been placed in a similar state of stasis as Egeria on one of Ra’s planets.  We rushed to find her and a year ago, we did just that.”

“Wow, that’s…amazing,” Daniel said with awe.

“Yeah, amazing,” Jack mimicked sarcastically.  “Now what exactly does this have to do with why you stumbled through our gate half-dead?”

Daniel rolled his eyes at Jack’s impatience, but Anise just smiled wanly and leaned back into her bed for a moment, exhaustion clearly etched into her features.

Janet stepped in at this point.  “I think that’s enough.  We should let her rest, sir.”

But Anise shook her head.  “No…you need to know.  We bred Petra as soon as we found her, producing dozens and dozens of new symbiotes, all born with the understanding of the Tok’ra cause.  There was such hope among us.  We rushed to find willing hosts, but as always, it was difficult.  So over the next six months we slowly managed to find hosts for the new children.”

“What about the incubation period?” Sam asked.  “Symbiotes take years to mature to the point where they can take hosts.”

“Yes,” Anise nodded.  “That was probably our first mistake.  In our impatience, we devised a way to help mature the symbiote more quickly, using nanocyte technologies.  But even if the symbiotes were strong enough to take a host, there was still a high incident of rejection.  Only around half of the blendings are successful.”  She briefly looked around at the shocked expressions surrounding her.  “You must understand how desperate our plight has become.  We could think of no other way to survive as a people.”

“What happened?” Daniel asked.

“The young ones had very different ideas about how we should approach our war with the Goa’uld.  They were impatient, impetuous and they didn’t think we were doing enough.  At first it was just a philosophical debate, but as their numbers grew… They believed we should do anything to ensure hosts for Petra’s children, but that is not the Tok’ra way.”

“Are you saying that they wanted to…forcibly take hosts?”

Anise nodded her head sadly.  “It shames me to admit it, but yes.  They also did not believe that uncover observation and subversion of the Goa’uld enough, they wanted us to engage in open war.”  She paused a moment, rubbing absently at her temple.  “They are so young…they seem to have adopted the cause of the Tok’ra but understand nothing of wisdom.”

“I can’t believe that the others would agree to this,” Sam said in a horrified voice.

“It was debated at great length by the Council, though the debates primarily consisted of the elders explaining that no outcome could possibly excuse such actions.  Apparently the younger Tok’ra finally ran out of patience and decided to take matters into their own hands.  They must have staged a hostile take over of some kind.  I am still not completely sure what happened, only that many Tok’ra were killed and others taken prisoner.  None of us ever thought they could go so far.  I managed to sabotage the computer systems and wipe all information dealing with my research.  I took one copy of the symbiote poison with me and fled into the desert.  I could not begin to imagine what they might do with such a weapon!  The uses they had already proposed…” By the end of her long-winded and disturbing speech, Anise was breathing heavily and the monitor at her side was beeping erratically.

Janet unceremoniously shoved SG-1 out of the way and lowered the head of Anise’s bed back down.  “Shhh…it’s alright.  Just breathe deeply.”  She placed an oxygen mask over Anise’s face and injected something into her IV.   Anise began to visibly calm, her eyes sliding shut.

“Okay,” Janet said in her no-nonsense voice, “everybody out.  There will be no more talking until she has had a lot more rest.  I’m going to administer drugs to keep her in a slumbering state for at least a day.  That should give both Anise and Freya some time to recover.”

They all nodded obediently and moved to leave the room when Anise weakly pulled the mask from her face.  “Major…,” she said.

Sam stepped up to the bed and leaned close to Anise.

“Your father…He and Selmak were away on a mission.  I do not know what has happened to them.  I’m sorry….”

Sam mumbled something indecipherable and patted the woman’s shoulder.  Anise’s eyes slid back shut.  

*     *     *

“You wanted to see me, sir?” Sam asked in a cool, professional tone as she poked her head in Jack’s office an hour later.

Jack looked up and waved her in, noting the way she stood in front of his desk in parade rest, her eyes not quite meeting his.  Jack bit back a sigh and looked back down at the folder in front of him.  Hammond had recommended exactly what he knew he would, but how did he tell Sam?

He must have let the silence stretch too long, because Sam said, “I assume you informed General Hammond of the incident on Pangar, sir.”

“Yes,” Jack replied, not particularly liking her blasé tone.

“And?” Sam prompted.

Jack snapped the folder back shut.  Fine, if she wanted to get straight to the point, he could do that too.  “You have been removed from active duty until such time as you are given the all clear from both Doctors Mackenzie and Fraiser.”

“Janet?” Sam asked, as if she found that the only interesting part of what he had said.

“Yes.  Your leg still seemed to be bothering you on the planet.”

She met his eyes fleetingly before nodding and stiffening her posture even more, which Jack hadn’t been sure was even possible.

“I understand, sir.  May I work in my lab?”

Jack shook his head.  “Hammond wants you to take some extended leave to figure this out, Carter.  No burying yourself under work.”

He expected her to protest, to complain about that much forced down time, especially since they were in the middle of a Tok’ra crisis at the moment.  But instead, he could have sworn she looked…relieved.

“You understand that I’m relieving you of duty, right?” Jack finally asked, failing to keep his exasperation out of his voice.

Sam shifted uncomfortably at his tone, but nodded nonetheless.  “It’s probably for the best, sir,” she answered.

Jack could do nothing more than stare at her for long moments.  Probably for the best?  What the hell was that supposed to mean?  For someone who supposedly loved their job, who gave everything she had for it, she was taking this all a little too calmly.  And it was pissing Jack off.  He was still mildly surprised, though, when he snapped at her.

“Bullshit,” he exclaimed, bringing the palm of his hand down hard on the desk.

Sam flinched and dropped her head, but said nothing.  

Dropped her head?  What the hell?  The Sam Carter Jack knew would have taken him to task for daring to speak to her in that manner.  He may be her superior officer, but she didn’t take crap from anyone.

But here was evidence contrary to that, standing placidly in front of him, staring at her toes.

Jack knew he should feel worried or compassionate, but clawing anger was all there was.  What the hell was wrong with her?  He leaned back in his chair, putting his hands behind his head.  Willing her to just look up at him, for crying out loud.  

“So, what?  That’s it?” Jack asked flippantly. “You’re just giving up?”

Sam didn’t respond, just kept staring at her boots as if they were the most interesting things in the Galaxy.

“You’re quitting,” he finally accused, realizing that he was looking at someone who had all the symptoms of someone about to walk away from a fight she just couldn’t handle anymore.  She just needed someone to provide an excuse, a way out.

Deep down, he’s expected anger in response to the allegation.  He was still so sure that she would look up at him with eyes flashing and tell him not so politely to go screw himself for even suggesting it.  Instead, when she finally met his eyes, an unnerving sort of resignation flashed across her face that made Jack feel ill.

“Is that all, sir?” was all Sam said in response.

They stared at each other for long moments, before Jack had to look away.  He knew that they had never really been friends, there had always been too much between them to ever have the casual intimacy that she enjoyed with Daniel or Janet.  But he had really hoped that in a situation like this that she would actually talk to him.  But she still stood nearly at attention, waiting to be dismissed by her superior officer.  And it hurt more than it should.

“Fine,” he said, biting back a sigh.  “Dismissed.”

Sam instantly spun on her heel and started towards the door.  Surprisingly, though, she paused for a moment with her back to him, her hand on the doorknob, looking like she wanted to say something to him.  But then she was moving again.

It was enough to cause Jack to call out to her.  “Carter,” he said.  “If you ever want to talk….”

It was a big offer from him and even though he knew he was about to be rebuffed, he’d said it anyway.  It was Carter, after all.

Just when he was sure she would step out the door, her body sagged like a sail loosing its wind.  

“I can’t seem to forget…,” she confessed in a miniscule voice.

She didn’t say anything else, but it was enough.  It opened the door to Jack.  “Alpha site?” Jack asked.

She inclined her head slightly in answer and Jack couldn’t help but remember the sight of her sitting at the feet of a super soldier, waiting for death, looking almost as if she was welcoming it.  He shoved the thought aside with difficulty and focused back on the woman in front of him.

“Nightmares?” he asked.

Sam just shrugged.  Nightmares were nothing new to any of them. They both knew that.

“Flashbacks?”  Even as the word left his lips, he finally realized what exactly had happened in that dark tunnel.  She had thought she was back on that damn planet being hunted.  And he’d walked right into it.

Sam’s head made a soft thump as she leaned forward into the door, her back still to Jack as if she couldn’t look at him.  “I could have killed you,” she said.  “And next time it could be Daniel or Teal’c or some innocent bystander.”

Jack had nothing to say to that, because he knew it was true.  Flashbacks from trauma made a soldier too much of a risk.  She couldn’t go back into the field like that.  He silently berated himself.  He should have known she wasn’t ready, she should have never gone to Pangar in the first place.  But he, like everyone, had been convinced that Sam Carter could do anything.  She was unshakable.  Nothing got to her.  And now he was forced to realize that she was just a woman who had seen more than anyone should ever have to.  He should have known that the moment he saw her give up at the foot of the super soldier.  But he honestly had just wanted to forget the entire harrowing event.

Sam’s voice penetrated his musings.  She finally turned around and looked at him, her eyes pleading for understanding.  “Have you ever thought that maybe you just couldn’t do this anymore?”

It was a vague statement, but Jack knew exactly what she meant.  The last seven years had been a nonstop stretch of running on pure adrenaline.  Constantly wondering if you would die, or worse, if you would have to watch one of your friends die.  Never knowing if this was the time that you couldn’t stop whatever new threat was currently plaguing Earth.  It was a heavy load, a huge burden.  And he’d be lying if he’d said there weren’t mornings were he’d woken up and contemplated chucking it all.  And not just because of her.

But it wasn’t Sam’s question as much as her tone that bothered him.  She just seemed…defeated.  And it scared the hell out of him.

Even consciously knowing it was a bad idea, Jack still found himself reaching out for her, her name tumbling from his lips.  “Sam…”

But before either of them could react, though, a blaring page rang throughout the PA system.  “SG-1 to the control room, SG-1 to the control room.”

Jack allowed himself a moment to sigh before dashing into the halls, knowing Sam would be close on his heels.

*     *     *

Hammond was waiting for them in the control room with Daniel and Teal’c.

“Colonel,” Hammond said.  “Prometheus has just picked up a Goa’uld cargo ship nearing Earth.”

Jack glanced quickly at Sam.  Now what?  Just what they needed on top of everything else.  Goa’uld.  “Any clue as to what it might be up to, sir?” Jack asked.

But before Hammond could answer, Walter interrupted.  “Receiving transmission from the Goa’uld vessel, sir.”

The familiar face of Jacob Carter filled the screens.  “This is Jacob Carter, requesting permission to approach Earth.”

There was a short pause before another voice answered him.  “This is Colonel Pendergast of the Earth vessel Prometheus.  You have permission to dock, General.”

Jacob seemed to visibly relax, weariness flickering across his face, before the transmission cut off.

Less than twenty minutes later a bright flash of light filled the gate room and Jacob materialized out of thin air.

Sam was the first to reach him.  “Dad,” she said, immediately stepping into his arms.  “We were so worried.”

Jacob squeezed her briefly and then stepped away, shaking Hammond’s hand.  “I guess you’ve already heard, then.”

“About the little Tok’ra insurrection?” Jack asked.  “Yeah, we’ve heard.”

Jacob smiled weakly.

“Anise told us,” Daniel supplied.  “She came through earlier today.”

“Really?” Jacob said, sounding surprised.  He looked thoughtful for a moment before saying, “I’m glad she managed to get away safely.”

“She’s still very weak, but Janet expects that she’ll make a full recovery,” Sam said.

“Good, good,” Jacob said.

“What about you, Dad?” Sam asked, casting a critical eye over his sunken face.

“We’re fine, just exhausted.  I was on a mission when this all went down and they tried to ambush me when I arrived at the extraction point, but I managed to steal their ship instead and come here.”  He shrugged tiredly. “Honestly, I didn’t know where else to go.  They seem to have won before I even knew there was a fight.”

Hammond stepped up to his old friend and lay a hand on his shoulder   “Well, you know you are always welcome here.  Why don’t we debrief and then Major Carter can take you home for some rest.  Maybe in time a solution will present itself.”

Jacob gave him a wan smile.  “Sounds good.”  

Jacob started walking out of the gate room, but Jack put a hand on his arm to stop him.  Giving him a bemused smile, Jack gestured back over his shoulder in the opposite direction.  “Briefing room’s this way, Jake.”

Jacob chuckled and ran a hand over his face.  “Man…I’m more exhausted than I thought.”

Jack smiled.  “Don’t worry about it,” he said, steering him in the proper direction.  

“What, no snide remarks about my age, Jack?”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, sir,” Jack said with mock sincerity.  Then, more seriously, he said, “It’s just good to have you back.”

And looking at the way Sam was smiling at them both, Jack knew he really meant it.

*     *     *

The debrief only lasted thirty minutes and most of that time was spent filling Jacob in on everything they had learned from Anise.  Sam did a mildly better job of paying attention than she had at the last couple of briefings, but mostly she just watched her father and was thankful that he was safe.  She tried not to think about how she would explain to him why she wasn’t working anymore.

Maybe he wouldn’t notice.  Yeah right, Sam.

When the meeting finally drew to a close, she pulled her father aside.  “I just have to go shut down my lab and then I can take you home.”

“Okay.  Maybe I’ll just go hit the commissary for some coffee,” Jacob said.

“So much for giving it up, huh? Selmak won’t mind?” Sam said with amusement, remembering how grumpy he had been when he’d stopped drinking it because Selmak didn’t like it.

“Oh, yeah,” Jacob said distractedly.  “I think she’ll let me get away with it just this once.  It’s been a long week.”

Sam nodded, “Yeah…it has.”  Risking getting sucked into a train of thought she would rather avoid, Sam started for the door.  “I’ll meet you in my lab in twenty minutes or so?”

“Sure,” Jacob said with a small smile.  “Sounds good.”

As Sam stalked down the hall, though, she couldn’t help but think that the last thing she should be doing was going home and ‘resting.’  What was happening to the Tok’ra affected everyone involved in the fight against the Goa’uld.  And even though neither Jacob nor Anise seemed to think there was anything to be done right now, Sam just thought they should be doing *something*.  

Sam jabbed the button for her floor in her elevator, barely even remembering how she got there.  Before the doors could slide closed, though, Jack stepped between them, slipping into the elevator.

He must have followed her out of the meeting, but she hadn’t even been aware of him.  Sam finally looked up to find him watching her closely.  After about three floors, he finally spoke.

“There will always be something, Carter.  You can’t wait for a calm moment when the Galaxy happens to not be under threat to work this out, because it will never come.  You know that.”

Sam didn’t even bother to be unnerved that he somehow knew her inner thoughts.  He was right, she knew he was right.  Because even if she felt okay, not great, but okay in these familiar halls, she only had to think of her embarrassing freak-out on Pangar to know that she couldn’t risk it.  Couldn’t risk him.  She would have to go home and come to terms with everything and decide if she was really ready to walk away from all this.   There was more on the line that just a job she loved.

The elevator chimed, letting Sam know she had reached her floor.  She stepped out and when Jack made no move to follow, she turned back.

“Thanks,” she said, still oddly feeling like it wasn’t enough for all the understanding he’d shown her, but it was all she had to offer.

But maybe it was enough, because Jack smiled and said, “Anytime, Carter,” as the doors slowly slid back shut.

*     *     *

“Jack,” Daniel said, poking his head into Jack’s office.  “I’m going to check on Anise, wanna come?”

“You feeling the need for backup?” Jack half-heartedly teased.  Neither of the men had forgotten Anise and Freya’s propensity for backward propositions at the strangest times.

“Well, safety in numbers, you know,” Daniel replied unabashedly, “and Sam’s already left with Jacob.”

It was a testament to how much Jack disliked paperwork that he shrugged and said, “Sure, why not?”

Jack could feel Daniel sending sideways glances his way as they made their way to the infirmary.  Normally Jack would just ignore such behavior, not wanting to encourage it, but his patience was already thin today.  “Spit it out, Daniel,” he said with a sigh.

“You really relieved Sam of duty?”

Jack resisted the urge to roll his eyes and just nodded stiffly instead.

“And you think that was absolutely necessary?”

Jack stopped walking and turned to Daniel.  “Look, Daniel, I’m only going to say this once.  Something’s going on with her and she’s let it put us all in danger.  There was nothing else for me to do.  She knows that, too.”

Daniel was quiet for a moment, his eyebrows drawing together as he processed what Jack said.  “What happened in that tunnel, Jack?”

Jack pushed off the nearest wall and started back down the hall, not bothering to answer.

Daniel sighed and slowly started after him, accepting that he’d gotten as much from him as he was likely to.  By the time he reached the infirmary, Jack was standing awkwardly by Anise’s bed.

“I thought Doc said she should be getting better by now,” Jack noted.

Daniel stepped up to the bed and saw what Jack meant.  She actually looked worse, if possible, than she had yesterday.  In fact, Daniel thought as he leaned closer, it seemed like she was barely breathing.  On instinct, he reached out a hand to feel the pulse at the base of her throat.  It took much longer than it should have for him to register a weak, impossibly slow beat.

“Janet!” he called out.

Janet rounded the corner, took one look at her patient and began calling out orders.  Soon the small bed was surrounded by nurses.

“Why are these monitors turned off?” Janet demanded.

The nurses all looked at each other and Janet sighed with impatience and began rapidly taking control of the situation.  They put Anise on oxygen and Janet was still shaking her head.  “Her reps are way too low.”  

Wailing from the monitors announced that Anise’s heart was beginning to fail.  “Paddles!” Janet demanded.  After two shocks, steady but slow beeps filled the room.

Jack and Daniel still stood motionless by the wall, watching the unfolding drama.  Janet was frowning at Anise’s chart, mumbling to herself.  

“What’s going on, Janet?” Daniel finally managed to ask.

Janet shook her head.  “She was doing so well, I can’t explain why her stats would fall so suddenly.  I don’t want to sound dramatic, but if you hadn’t noticed her when you had…”

“She could have died?” Daniel asked in surprise.

Janet just nodded and went back to flipping through the chart.  “It’s almost like someone administered the wrong drug or something.”

Jack meanwhile, had moved quickly out of the way of a darting nurse, only to trip over a small trashcan.  Swearing softly, he leaned over to pick up the mess.  Before he could even right the can, however, two things caught his eye.  “Doc,” he said loudly.

Janet kneeled beside him and peered down at a syringe and an empty bottle that were visible among the debris.  “No nurse would throw those out in the trash,” she noted, picking up the bottle in one gloved hand.  Jack barely got a glance at the word ‘Lidocaine’ on the bottle before Janet dashed back off, an impressive expletive falling from her lips.

“Doc?” Jack asked as he watched her efficiently intubate her patient.

“I’m protecting her airway.  Someone has introduced a huge dose of Lidocaine.  If she was human she’d have died instantly, as it is it’s still touch and go.”

“Are you telling me that someone tried to kill her?”

“Frankly, I can’t imagine it, sir, but I have no other explanation.  No one could be this grossly negligent.  It couldn’t have been an accident.  And it must have been recent, too, within the last forty minutes at least.”

“Who would want to hurt her?” Daniel asked quietly, not believing that anyone on the base was capable of this.

Jack turned to the dark-haired nurse helping Janet.  “You were here when I arrived.  Who has been in here to visit in the last forty minutes?”

The nurse seemed to shrink slightly under Jack’s brusque tone and hard glare.  “No one, sir,” she said, shaking her head slightly.  “Before you, it was empty.”

“No, Katie,” said another nurse.  “There was one visitor here right before you got in.”

“Who?” Jack demanded.

“General Carter.”


	3. Deception

The ride home was mostly silent as Sam worked up the nerve to tell Jacob about her extended leave from the SGC.  He dozed lightly in the seat next to her and she rather easily convinced herself not to disturb him.  He looked like he needed the rest anyway.

Rationalization seemed to have become Sam Carter’s new best friend.

Twenty minutes later she pulled up into her driveway and shook her father gently awake.

“We’re here, Dad.”

Jacob stared at her for a moment as if trying to place himself before smiling.  “Great.  Guess I was more tired than I thought.”

Sam led him into the house.  “Well, it turns out that I have a couple weeks off work, if you want to go somewhere, take a vacation from all this for a while.”  She braced herself for the barrage of questions that was sure to come her way.  Why was she taking time off?  Didn’t she know there was a war going on?

But Jacob just smiled.  “Really?  That sounds nice.  Where do you want to go?”

Sam looked quizzically at her father as she settled down on the couch next to him, wondering if maybe there was something he wasn’t telling her.  Like all about the lobotomy he seemed to have undergone.  But Sam wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth; if her father wanted to be accommodating, she could handle that.  “We could head down to San Diego for a few days,” she suggested.

Jacob nodded.  “Sure, sounds good.  It would be nice to spend some time with Mark and Jessica.”

His words slammed into Sam and she was impressed that she didn’t so much as blink, her smile remaining frozen to her face.  “Maybe we could take the kids to Sea World,” Sam said, pushing up from her seat.  “I’ll just call Mark to see what his schedule is like.”

Sam barely registered Jacob’s wave of dismissal as she grabbed for the handset in her kitchen.  Her heart was pounding fiercely in her chest as his words echoed loudly in her ears.  _It would be nice to spend some time with Mark and Jessica.  Mark and Jessica._ The only problem was that Sam’s sister-in-law’s name was Jenny, not Jessica.  And Jacob Carter knew that as well as he knew his own name.

So only one real question remained: who the hell was that sitting in her living room?

Sam picked up her phone and automatically began dialing Jack’s secure line.  Midway through, though, Jacob’s hand reached out and grabbed the phone.

“Nice try, Major,” he said in an unfamiliar voice, calmly hanging the phone back up.  “Jacob is a wily one.  But I guess I should have known that considering he was Selmak’s host.  Tricked me into saying Jessica instead of Jenny.”  He shook his head.  “But it doesn’t matter.  I’ve got what I came for.”

Sam barely registered his words; she was too busy subtly shifting her weight.  Without hesitation, she swung her elbow into her father’s face.  He yelled, clutching his nose.  Sam pushed past him, ignoring the blood that was now dripping all over her kitchen floor and rushed towards her bedroom where she kept her firearm.

She didn’t make it very far, though, because as she passed the dining room table she was hit from behind by some kind of beam.  Her body went limp and crashed into the table, sending objects flying in every direction.  She hit the floor with a heavy thud.

As her eyelids became heavier and heavier, the last thing she saw was the man who was most definitely not her father talking into a small communication device.  And then there was just blackness.

*     *     *

Jack’s fingers were drumming relentlessly on the dashboard and if the situation hadn’t been so serious Daniel might have been tempted to slam on the breaks just to interrupt the irritating rhythm.  But he didn’t, because various calls to every one of Sam’s phones had turned up nothing but endless ringing and impersonal voicemail messages.

He wanted to believe that everything was going to be okay, that they would knock on Sam’s door and find her standing there staring at them quizzically for pulling up to her house like total maniacs.  But something in the fierce expression on Jack’s face told him that she wouldn’t.

“Dammit.  I should have known,” Jack was muttering.  “He was acting so strange.”

“Not even Major Carter noticed anything untoward about his behavior, O’Neill.  You are not to blame,” Teal’c said from the backseat.

Daniel gave him points for trying, but Jack was beyond placating. 

“Drive faster,” was Jack’s only response.

Sam’s house was swarming with local police when they pulled into her driveway.

Jack swore impressively and then immediately jumped out of the car.  Daniel followed a few steps behind the wake of disgruntled policemen that had been roughly shoved out of the way.  When they entered the house, Jack stalked off to talk to the man in charge while Daniel paused in Sam’s entryway, taking in the chilling scene in front of him.  The living room was in shambles, chairs overturned, a broken vase on the floor.  But the most terrifying thing was the spray of blood that covered the linoleum on Sam’s kitchen floor.

Daniel couldn’t move.  He just stared at the horrific sight.

Then Jack was at his side staring at the grisly stain, too.  “She’s not here, Daniel.”

Daniel thought it was strange that he sounded sort of relieved as he said it, when it finally registered.  Jack was telling him there was no body. Sam wasn’t here somewhere in another pile of blood.  He sounded relieved because ‘disappeared’ was better than ‘dead’.

They could deal with getting her back.  They had done it before.  But they could not deal with losing her.

Daniel tore his eyes away from the kitchen and nodded at Jack, letting him know he understood.

Jack briefly squeezed his shoulder.  “The cops say there was a witness, a neighbor or something.  Can you go find out what exactly they saw?”

“Yeah, sure,” Daniel said, glad to have something else to focus his mind on.

Twenty minutes later Daniel returned from the neighbor’s house to find Sam’s place completely cleared of non-military personnel.  He tried not to notice the forensics team taking samples from the blood in the kitchen.

He found Jack and Teal’c sitting at Sam’s dining room table with maps and reports open in front of them.

“He couldn’t have gotten far,” Jack was saying.

“Actually, Jack,” Daniel interrupted, “he could.”

“What have you got, Daniel?” Jack asked pushing aside an untouched cup of coffee.

“Well, I just had an interesting conversation with Mrs. Finkelmann next store.  She’s the one who called the police.  She claims she heard shouting and then some sort of ‘ruckus.’  And when she looked out her window…” Daniel trailed off and shifted foot to foot.

“What?” Jack barked.

Daniel cleared his throat. “Um, well, she says she saw a ‘big golden spaceship’ land in the backyard before ‘little green men’ grabbed Sam, shoved her inside and then took off again, seemingly disappearing into thin air.”

Jack and Teal’c stared at Daniel for a moment.

“Is she nuts?” Jack asked.

Daniel thought about the little old lady with her nose permanently pressed to the window pane spying on her neighbors with a tumbler of scotch in one hand.  The policeman with Daniel had just rolled his eyes dismissively while she told her tale.

“Definitely,” Daniel replied, knowing they wouldn’t have to worry about anyone believing her, “but she also drew this.”  He put down a small sketch on the table.

It wasn’t the finest drawing ever made, but clearly laid out on an old piece of binder paper was a Goa’uld cargo ship.

“Dammit,” Jack swore.

Finding Sam just got a lot more difficult.

*     *     *

The first thing Sam became aware of was the cold, hard floor under her shoulder.  It was only when she tried to shift out of the uncomfortable position that she realized her hands were bound.  Not exactly the most pleasant way to regain consciousness. 

She flopped onto her back and managed to wiggle into a sitting position only to find her father sitting calmly across from her in what definitely looked like the cargo hold of a Goa’uld Tel’tak.

He smiled at her and moved across the room to her, reaching out to help her.  Sam shrugged her shoulders away from his hands, making it clear she didn’t want him anywhere near her.

He sighed.  “I am very sorry that I had to stun you, Major.  I would have sincerely rather had you come with me willingly, but I ran out of time to explain my position.”

Sam arched an unbelieving eyebrow at him.  “And what makes you think I would willingly go anywhere with you?”

The smile was back on his face, gentle and understanding.  “We are not so much different, you and I, Major.  We both want the same things.”

Sam really doubted that.  “And who exactly are you?”

“Ah, of course, how rude of me.  My name is Keren.”  He bowed his head slightly as if this was a formal diplomatic introduction.

“You’re a Goa’uld,” Sam accused.

Anger flashed across Keren’s face for a moment, before it was once again schooled behind a bland façade.  “I am Tok’ra,” he said calmly.

“Really,” Sam said disbelievingly.  “Then why don’t you let me talk to my father?”

Keren shook his head.  “I’m sorry, but I can’t.  This is necessary.  You will see that in the end.”

Sam was beginning to wonder if he wasn’t just a little bit insane.  “Forcing yourself on a host…how does that not make you a Goa’uld?” Sam spat, not caring if she was getting a rise out of him.

Keren stepped menacingly towards her before taking a determined breath as if trying to calm himself.  “I will forgive you that because I know you do not yet understand.  The others don’t believe that you will help us, but I know better.  I have watched you for a long time; I know you feel for the Tok’ra cause and the injustices done against us.  You feel the agony of our Queens’ imprisonments.”

“Watched me?” Sam parroted.  Keren didn’t respond, but she didn’t need him to, because as he settled down next to her on the floor, watching her with what could only be affection, a slow crawling sensation tickled down her spine.  Something familiar that she had been too freaked out to even register last time she’d felt it.

Sam closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the hull.  “You were on Pangar, watching me.”  She remembered the nagging feeling that something just wasn’t right.  The feeling of eyes watching her in the dark amid the rising panic of her flashback. 

She couldn’t decide if she was relieved to find that she had been right or angry that she hadn’t trusted herself enough to say anything.

Sam’s head jerked up from the wall as she realized something.  “Wait a minute.  If you were on Pangar… Oh my god.  The Goa’uld didn’t attack Pangar did they?  It was you!”  Sam’s stomach rolled with nausea, thinking of the faces of the missing, the desolated city.  “Why?  Why would you ever do that?” she asked.

Keren looked away from Sam, but not before she clearly saw regret and sadness in his eyes.  “We had many reasons, all of which were vital to the Tok’ra cause.  Believe me, Sam,” he said, turning back to her with earnestness, “we would never cavalierly take a life if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.”

Sam was caught by his gaze for a moment.  She realized with cold dread that he absolutely believed what he was saying.  It wasn’t insanity, it was unconditional faith.  Underneath his contrition was a burning certainty that his cause was just.

Keren pressed closer to Sam, nearly whispering into her ear.  “The Goa’uld must be stopped, Sam, no matter the cost.”

Sam closed her eyes.  “You killed those people…stole their family members to be forced hosts…left the entire planet ravaged.” She thought of Anise stumbling through the gate.  “You even killed your own kind in a ruthless power struggle.  How can anything possibly justify that?”  She opened her eyes again and looked a Keren.  “How can you not see that you are becoming no better than the Goa’uld?”

Sam must have finally crossed some invisible line, because Keren’s hand came out of nowhere, striking Sam across the face.  Sam’s head snapped back from the impact and before she could even recover Keren had her head in his hands, his fingers biting into her jaw and his face pressed close to hers with burning conviction in his eyes.  “That is the last time you call me Goa’uld.”  
   
Sam nodded, feeling fear trickle down her spine.

Keren abruptly pushed to his feet and stalked a few paces away, running his hands over his face.  “There’s no need for this, Sam,” he said.  “You will help me recover what is lost and together we can end the Goa’uld, once and for all.  Then none of this will matter,” he said with a vague gesture that seemed to encompass her bound hands, bleeding face and the murders all at once.

Sam racked her brain, trying to think what she could possibly have access to that he would want.  Why bother kidnapping her?  Then she remembered.  Anise had stolen the Tok’ra research on the symbiote poison, the Tok’ra’s best weapon against the Goa’uld.  They obviously wanted it back.

“I won’t tell you the formula,” Sam said with what steely determination she could find in her still ringing head.  She couldn’t help but notice that her voice trembled.  So much for steely determination.

“The formula?” Keren repeated with confusion.  “What makes you think I want or care about some formula?”

“But Anise…,” Sam said, feeling her small store of confidence drain away.

Keren laughed.  “Assumptions, Major, always lead to bad situations.  You should know better.”

Sam felt her shoulders sag, knowing he was right.  “What do you want?”  She could barely recognize the pathetic voice as her own. 

Keren kneeled down by her once more, placing one hand on her hair.  “There is something much more spectacular and wondrous out there, something that will defeat the Goa’uld, once and for all.  And you’re going to help me find it.”

Sam closed her eyes and leaned back against the inner hull, letting the cold penetrate her skin.  She tried to summon any last threads of strength or resolve, but found her deepest reservoirs bone dry.

Hurry up, guys, she thought desperately, knowing there was no way she would be able to get herself out of this.

Some tiny part of her registered surprise at the thought, knowing it was uncharacteristic.  But Sam was just so tired of fighting.  She slowly melted into the floor with nothing but a nagging ache in her leg as company and one thought plaguing her mind.

Where had Major Sam Carter gone?

*     *     *

A folder slapped down on the desk in front of Jack.  “It’s not Sam’s,” Daniel said with relief.

Jack glanced at the report that clearly documented that the blood covering Sam’s kitchen had, in fact, been Jacob Carter’s. 

“She fought him,” Jack said, fingers absently tracing the words.

“Yeah,” Daniel replied.

Both men stared at the folder for long moments.  The fact that Sam had managed to get a pretty good hit in on her attacker filled Jack with some small relief.  All he had been able to think of since she disappeared was a vision of her standing in his office, her shoulders bowed, confessing that maybe she just didn’t have it in her to do any of this anymore. 

She was vulnerable, weak.  And she was completely alone.

Jack swept the folder off his desk in a surprising lapse of self control.

Daniel barely blinked at the movement, instead meeting Jack’s eyes.  “We’ll find her.”

An hour ago NORAD had reported a small craft appearing briefly on the edge of Earth’s space before jumping to hyperspace and disappearing.  By now, she could be anywhere.

“I hope you’re right, Daniel,” Jack replied, wanting to believe him.

The only problem was they didn’t even know where to start looking.

*     *     *

It took them more than two days to reach their final destination.  Keren had tried a couple more times to convince Sam of the importance of his mission, but when Sam would do nothing more that feign sleep each time he entered, he eventually left her alone.  She rested as much as she could, bracing herself for whatever Keren might have planned.

The planet they eventually alighted to was heavily forested and the air was heavy and humid, reminding Sam of the tropics.  They left the ship in a clearing and hiked into the jungle.

Keren and his pilot kept close tabs on Sam, one of them always behind her with the stunning weapon that looked constructed of a completely foreign design.  Sam briefly wondered what race they had stolen it from; just like their Goa’uld counterparts (not that Sam was stupid enough to make that observation out loud again) they seemed to be taking things and using them without necessarily understanding them.

This planet turned out to be no exception to that rule.  After about an hour of hiking the path widened revealing a large structure half-swallowed by the jungle.  It was made of what looked like blue stone and was unlike anything Sam had seen before.  Certainly not Tok’ra.

Off to the left, a Stargate was being lifted into place by a large group of technicians.  It contrasted strangely with the alien architecture.  It was obviously a new acquisition, stolen no doubt.  Sam filed the location away in her brain; it was always good to know the location of the nearest Stargate.

Sam must have paused too long taking in the sight, though, because Keren poked her in the back, prompting her to continue moving.

The interior of the structure was like an endless labyrinth of hallways that were obviously built for shorter people.  They were barely seven feet tall and Sam had the absurd feeling that they would press down on her at any moment.  She gave up trying to memorize the route after the fifteenth turn in as many minutes. The place was obviously a new major Tok’ra base, though, because she saw at least a dozen Tok’ra bustle by in various directions.

They eventually ended up in a large circular room with scientific looking stations all around the walls.  At the center of the room was a large metal chair with a spherical contraption hovering over it.  It almost looked like an alien version of those hair setters Sam always saw the little old ladies sitting under when she got her hair cut, only much more menacing. 

None of the equipment was of Tok’ra design and Sam began to tug at her restraints again, knowing nothing could budge them, but at the same time sincerely not wanting to know what that chair was used for.

As if reading her mind, Keren gestured at two bulky Tok’ra that had followed them in.  “Secure her in the machine.”

Sam backed away, glaring at the beefcakes approaching her.  “No way,” she said.

“Don’t make a scene, Major,” Keren said.

Sam ignored him and put up the best fight she could with her hands restrained.  The bigger of the brawn twins got a black eye for his troubles, but it offered Sam little consolation because she was soon strapped securely to the menacing contraption.

“What the hell are you going to do to me?” Sam demanded as the lowered the large sphere over her head.  “I thought you wanted my help!”

“And so you shall, Major.  With the facilitation of this machine,” he replied, sparing her a slightly sympathetic glance that made Sam’s stomach drop unpleasantly.

She began to struggle in earnest again, the heavy straps cutting into her skin.

Keren pressed a few buttons on a nearby consol and Sam could hear the slight whine of a machine warming up somewhere.  Then he crossed the room and placed a hand on Sam’s arm, speaking softly into her ear.  “I can do this with or without your cooperation, Sam.  But I promise that it will be less painful if you just relax and stop fighting us.”

He sounded grieved and determined all at the same time and it pissed Sam off.

“Don’t act like someone is forcing you to do this, Keren.  This is your choice,” Sam reminded him in one last ditch effort to get him to rethink.

But Keren just smiled sadly and ran a tender hand over her face.  “If there were any other way…  But we both know that the reign of Goa’uld must be ended.  The sacrifice of one in the face of saving millions of innocent people is something that can’t be escaped.”

“Sacrifice?” Sam breathed in surprise, but before she could demand an explanation, Keren switched the contraption on.

At first, Sam thought that it wasn’t going to be so bad.  There was a faint tingling sensation on her scalp and slight pressure.  Blackness engulfed Sam, even though she was sure that her eyes were still open.  Bright colors filled the empty space, whirling by at an incredible pace.

Then the pain began.

Ripping, tearing.  Pulling her apart from the inside.

It was unlike anything she had ever experienced before, like every cell in her body was being torn apart.

Vaguely above the constant agony she registered fleeting images, some familiar, others not, the people’s faces warping and twisting, rushing past at alarming speeds.  And in the distance, someone constantly screamed.

She was never sure how long she sat in that chair.  Time seemed to have no meaning.

But every other day for more than a week, she was dragged back to that damn lab with nothing but Keren’s sympathetic smile for company.  He never even told her what he was looking for or what the machine was supposed to do.  And her hours alone in her cell offered no bursts of inspiration.

By the fifth treatment, she realized that Keren had lied.  It didn’t matter what Sam did, the invasive, clawing penetration was inescapable, filling her every cell with agony.  It didn’t change if she relaxed or fought or tried to pretend it wasn’t happening.  There was no escape.

Sam didn’t know the purpose of this torture, but she did know one thing.

The machine was tearing her mind apart.

She screamed and screamed, begging for relief, for rescue.

But no one ever came.

*     *     *

A week after Sam’s disappearance, Anise finally woke up.  She was quickly briefed on everything that had happened while she was unconscious.  She took the kidnapping of Jacob rather hard, more so than the fact that someone had tried to kill her. 

“Even with everything I have seen, I still hoped…” Anise trailed off, running tired hands over her face.  “I cannot believe they would go so far.”

Jack had sympathy for Anise, really, but he just had more pressing issues at the moment.  “Do you have any idea why they would want Carter?  Or where they would take her?”

Anise shook her head.  “I can’t imagine why they would go to all this trouble just to kidnap Major Carter.  Though, she does have an incredible technical mind, they could need her expertise for something.”

“You have no idea where they may be holding her?  Any Tok’ra safe houses or planets that served as alternative sites for bases?”

“I am sorry, but I was never privy to such information.  I am a scientist, not an agent.  I did not go on missions or sit in on the council meetings.  I’m afraid I’m quite useless,” she said, looking down at her hands.

Daniel placed a hand on her shoulder.  “None of this is your fault, Anise.”

“Perhaps,” she said, “but what am I supposed to do now?”

She looked so lost that Jack had to turn away.  He slipped quietly out of the infirmary, the last of his hope draining away.

Teams still went out, poking around for any information they could find, but day after day they came back with nothing but sympathy.

Jack hardly left the base anymore, still waiting for some kind of miracle.  So it was that Jack was sitting in the commissary picking imaginary fuzz out of his cold cup of coffee late one night.

He barely registered when someone sat down across from him.  When he glanced up, however, he was surprised to see Anise sitting across from him, wearing standard issue BDUs.  It was a bizarre image to say the least.

“Should you be out of the infirmary?” Jack asked.

“I am recovered,” Anise said with a shrug.

They fell into a rather uncomfortable silence and Jack began to wonder if he was going to have to put up with another inappropriate proposition.  He was just about to make some excuse to flee when she finally spoke again.

“You are a warrior, Colonel.”

It wasn’t really a question, but Jack nodded nonetheless.

“I wanted to ask…if you found yourself in my position, what would a warrior do?”

Jack stared at her for moment, realizing that she was quite sincere.  “I’m not sure what you mean.”

“If your people had been betrayed by their own, if your ways had been tarnished…and your friends killed…what would you do?”

Jack remembered how Hammond had once been blackmailed to step down from his position by the NID and the time he had gone undercover to reclaim the trust of Earth’s powerful allies.  He imagined one of his teammates betrayed or killed.

“Anything it took,” Jack replied.

Anise looked thoughtful for a long moment, before nodding her head.  “You would go to any lengths to get her back, wouldn’t you?”

Jack shifted uncomfortably for a moment, before meeting her eyes across the table.  “Yes.”

Something seemed to shift in Anise’s expression and she looked calmer and more sure of herself than she had in days.  “That’s what I thought,” she said, pushing up from her seat.  “Thank you.”

Jack watched her walk out of the commissary, still not quite sure what had just happened.   

The next morning he entered the control room to find Hammond and Daniel talking to Anise who was once again wearing her Tok’ra clothes and was armed with a zat and a pack.  She was showing Walter an address on the computer.

“Uhh…,” Jack started rather inarticulately.  “What’s going on?”

Hammond turned to Jack.  “Anise has decided not to take our offer of refuge.”

“What?” Jack asked.

“She’s going to try and track down her people,” Hammond explained.  “She says she needs to know how many of Egeria’s children have survived.  I’m in no position to stop her.”

Across the room, Daniel was handing Anise a GDO.  “You’ll need one of these when you’re ready to come back.”  He seemed to be emphasizing the fact that she was welcome back whenever she wanted.

Anise must have picked up on that because she gave Daniel a small smile and said, “Thank you, Dr. Jackson,” before walking down to the gate room to stand before the spinning ring.

Jack followed her down and stood by her side at the base of the ramp.  “This wasn’t what I meant.”

Anise didn’t turn to look at him.  “We all do what we must, Colonel.  I can’t sit here safely tucked away while my people are fighting for their very way of life.”

“Do you even know where to look?” Jack asked in exasperation.

“I have a few ideas,” Anise replied.

In all honesty, Jack couldn’t begrudge her decision, knowing he would do the same.  But he still felt some guilt that maybe be had forced her into this.  “At least let us send a team with you.  You don’t have to go alone,” Jack said.

He thought she might have smiled for a moment, but then in a cool voice she replied, “Yes, we do, Colonel.  It will be difficult enough to track down the Tok’ra by ourselves.  You would only slow us down and…complicate the situation.”

Jack wasn’t offended by her bluntness; he could understand her position.  “You’re not a soldier,” he reminded her.

She stiffened for a second before dropping her head.  Then it was Freya speaking.

She looked at him with eyes that were now wide and uncertain were moments before they had been chillingly cool.  “As much as Anise is putting on a brave face, it would be foolish to deny that I am frightened.  I know we have never been anything other than scientists.”  Her voice wavered slightly for a moment.  “But this must be done.”

“You don’t have to do this,” Jack said, surprised by the confession, “we can find another way.”

Freya smiled weakly at Jack.  “There is no other way and you know it.”  She straightened her shoulders and determinedly faced the waiting wormhole.  “There is a saying among my people that one does not truly know one’s self until you have been tested beyond the boundaries of your fear.”

She glanced back at Jack.  “It’s time to see ‘what we are made of,’ as Jacob would say.”

Jack couldn’t find any words to answer her, but Freya didn’t seem to mind.  She walked up the ramp and paused at the edge of the event horizon.

“I will find her for you,” she said.  “I promise.”

Then she stepped through the wormhole and disappeared.

*     *     *

Sam had lost count of days and sessions in the machine.  The only reason today was any different than any others that proceeded it was because something felt distinctly wrong.  The last treatment must have caused some kind of permanent damage to Sam’s brain.  When she next woke, she had great difficulty moving the left side of her body.  Her eyelid felt heavy and she could feel the downward turn of her lip.  Her pain receptors still functioned quite well, however, as evidenced by the constant searing agony behind her eyes.

She began to wonder how much more of this her body could handle.

She knew from experience that they would leave her to rest for at least a day before trying again.  She was mildly surprised, however, when at least three days went by with no contact.  Food and water were brought routinely, though Sam made no effort to rise from her bed.  Her left hand lay immobilized and she doubted she could move it, even if she could work up the will to try.

Sam let the days pass in a sort of coma-like state of lethargy with the headaches as her only companions.  She began to think that death would be a relief.  Maybe she could just fall asleep and never bother to wake again.

But an indeterminable amount of time later, Sam was roused from her restless slumber by an unfamiliar sound.

Voices.

Somewhere in the distance she blearily registered a voice and for a moment she couldn’t quite place herself.  But then her eyes pried open and she saw the cool blue walls surrounding her and it all rushed back.  Prison.  Torture. 

“Want my professional opinion?” came a voice from next to Sam.

With a great deal of effort, Sam managed to lift her head slightly.

Janet was sitting on the edge of her bed.  Sam blinked slowly a couple of times and Janet wiggled her fingers at her.

Sam’s head fell back to her pillow.  “Sure,” she said, “why not?”

“Well,” Janet replied, crossing her legs primly, “you’re dying.”

“Came all this way just to tell me that, huh?” Sam mumbled.

“Yeah, well, I just thought you’d want to know, considering how much you’ve been looking forward to it.”

Sam did not like the sound of that.  “I’m not…,” she started, just to trail off.  What an interesting discussion to be having with a figment of your own imagination.  “It hurts,” Sam finally said, having no other explanation.

Janet snorted rather inelegantly.  “You think you’re the only one who’s ever suffered?”

“She’s in pain,” defended Daniel, who was leaning casually against the door.

“Yeah, well, having an alien spike shoved through your shoulder is no picnic either,” Jack offered from next to him.

“True,” Daniel said with an indifferent shrug.  “I wouldn’t recommend radiation sickness as a way to go either.”

“Ha!” Cassie said, flopping down on the narrow bed next to her mother.  “I watched my entire planet die.  But I trusted her when she said she wouldn’t leave me.”  She spared Sam a rather dismissive glance.  “So much for that, though.”

Sam wanted to point out that if this was supposed to be a pep-talk, they were doing it wrong.  But frankly she lacked the energy or will to bother interrupting them.

Teal’c appeared, sitting cross-legged against the nearest wall, his eyes closed.  “Sharing a symbiote with another for days on end is also not a pleasant experience.  But I did it so that we could both live, always retaining hope for rescue by my friends.”

Sam could only stare at him in shock.  “You don’t understand,” she managed to whisper.

Jack moved closer and kneeled by her bed.  She swore she could almost feel his hand brushing against hers.  “Sure we do,” he said.  “You’re quitting.”

The words, imagined or not, seemed to physically impact her body.  She closed her eyes against the crowd of delusions.  “Please,” she said, “just leave me alone.”

“Sure, Sam, no problem,” Daniel said.  “Have a nice death.”

Sam did her best to ignore them and dimly registered the sound of them all shuffling out of the cell.  In the distance, she could hear Jack say, “I always knew she didn’t have what it took.”

And then there was just hollow silence.

When next she woke some unknown time later, Sam open her eyes only to find her cell filled with two new figures.  And they both looked exactly like Sam.

“What do you say we bust ourselves out of here?” asked the first Sam dressed in BDUs with an inconceivable amount of munitions strapped to her chest.

“Well,” answered the other Sam dressed in a long white lab coat, with, of all things, a slide rule poking out of her pocket, “I could reconfigure the power generators.  If they are set in the standard configuration of crystal technology, I could create a sizeable burst of kinetic energy.”

Soldier Sam looked dubiously at her counterpart.

“It would explode,” clarified Scientist Sam.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about!” Soldier Sam exclaimed, giving her companion a high-five.

The real Sam rolled her eyes, thinking that maybe the other delusions had been better.  She rolled onto her side, though, and caught sight of a third Sam, this one sitting quietly in the corner dressed in a flowing skirt and a soft sweater.  She was watching Sam closely, completely ignoring the antics of her fellow delusions.

“No one’s coming for us,” she said, leaning her chin on her crossed arms.

Sam nodded, knowing that the rescue she had been waiting for was never coming.

“But you’ll always have us,” the other Sam continued.

Sam glanced over at the two Sam’s who were now debating whether or not a nail file could somehow aid them in their escape.  Neither seemed to care that they didn’t actually have a nail file to begin with.

Sam looked back at the Sam in the corner.  “It’s not enough,” she said.

“Yes, it is,” the other replied with soft earnestness.  “You just have to remember again.”

“Remember what?”

“How to trust us.  Even me.”

“And who, exactly, are you?”

The imaginary Sam smiled mysteriously.  “It doesn’t matter.  Just rest now.  Soon the time will come when you have to decide and we need to be ready.”

“Decide?”

“Whether or not it’s really time for us to give up,” she said, reaching out a hand and tenderly raking her fingers through Sam’s hair.  “Shh…it’ll be okay.  Just rest.”

Sam could not resist the hypnotic pull of the hand playing in her hair and her eyes slid slowly shut.  In the distance she heard soft humming of a song that she couldn’t quite place, but somehow it made her feel a little bit better.

*     *     *  
Three weeks.

Jack’s fist slammed into the punching bag.

It had been three weeks since Sam was abducted from her own home by someone masquerading as her father.  And they weren’t any closer to finding her today than they had been the moment she disappeared.  There was only so much one could do by simply keeping their eyes open for any clues every time they stepped through the gate.  And outside help was even harder to come by these days.

The Tau’ri’s allies were wearing thin.

The Asgard were incognito.  Even if they had been around, though, what could they have really done?  He didn’t think they had some miraculous missing Major finder.  Although he promised he wouldn’t even be pissed if they showed up and confessed that they had put a Cosmic LoJack in all the members of SG-1 if it would just lead them to Sam.

But Jack wasn’t holding his breath.

As for the Tok’ra, they were, for all intents and purposes, extinct.  Egeria’s children, those that had survived, were scattered to the winds, skulking around the Galaxy hiding from their own brethren.  Not only could they offer no help in the search, but this mess was their fault to being with.

Jack hated that he had been right about them in the end.  They couldn’t be trusted.

And now they had taken one more thing from him.  The thing he could least afford to lose.

Absently brushing the sweat out his eyes, Jack continued to pound his frustrations into the bag.

Anise had been gone for two weeks with no communication.  They couldn’t even be sure she was still alive, let alone that she might somehow find Sam.

By now, Sam could be dead, too.

It was only a matter of time until Hammond was forced to declare Sam MIA.  The search would be called off and SG-1 would be put back to work.  Maybe with some starry-eyed young soldier as a replacement.

But Jack wasn’t giving up.  He still had one last thread of hope, no matter how much of a long shot it was.

As far as he was concerned, Anise and Freya were out there still, trolling for information.

So in the end, he was back to putting all his trust in a Tok’ra.

Jack swore and leaned his body into the bag.  Fate sure had a sick sense of humor.

*     *     *

A shuddering impact knocked Sam out of her bed.  Sprawled on the floor, she shook her head, trying to clear the fluffy cotton that seemed to have taken up residence in her brain.  She tried to push up to her knees, but her left hand collapsed under the pressure, sending vicious needles of pain lancing through her arm.

Oh yeah, she remembered with a groan, brain damage, deranged Tok’ra, torture.  The stabbing pain came back with the memories.  Sam lay motionlessly on her stomach, feeling reverberations flowing through the floor beneath her cheek.  Something bizarre was certainly going on and Sam tried to work up the energy to care.

Some tiny part of her brain hoped that this was a rescue, but the majority knew that was unlikely.  Fleetingly she thought that maybe the whole place would go up in one big bang.  Well, at least the pain would end, she though unconcernedly. 

A few Tok’ra raced by her cell door, not even sparing her a glance.  She picked up a few words here and there.  Attack.  Evacuation.  Self-destruct.  Bastet.

Interesting.

The Goa’uld had obviously tracked down their base and were coming for a little revenge for all the blatant attacks lately, Sam thought nonchalantly.  Maybe she could just take a nap until someone decided to come get her or the place went boom. 

But as her eyes began to slide shut, there was another jarring impact, this time much closer.  The force shield covering the door to Sam’s cell flashed for a moment before falling silent.

Sam stared at the open space for a long time.

“Time to decide,” she mumbled to herself without thinking.  All the faces of her delusions flashed across her mind.  Was she quitting?

It only took a minute for an answering voice to fill her mind. 

“Hell no,” she grunted, using her good arm to lever herself off the floor.  It took a good ten minutes just to get to her knees.  She was breathing heavily already, but she leaned into the bed and with a Herculean effort managed to get her right leg underneath her.  A wave of dizziness caught her off guard, but somehow she managed to keep upright, wishing she hadn’t been too lazy to eat for the last four days.  Her left foot twisted strangely, but her first tentative step proved that it could handle a bit of weight.  So with her useless arm tucked close to her torso and a heavy limp, Samantha Carter slowly made her way out of her cell.

More than once as she made her way down the twisting halls she had to press herself into the dark recesses that conveniently lined the walls as frantic Tok’ra ran here and there.  After about twenty more minutes of rather aimless wandering, Sam walked into a room that looked like a lab.  There were blinking consoles lining the walls and in the center stood a large tank with a single symbiote in it.

Sam began to back out, not wanting to be anywhere near another lab, let alone a symbiote, when she heard voices behind her.  She was forced to step further into the room and she quickly ducked behind the nearest cabinet-like structure.

“We have to download this information and then destroy the equipment.  Hurry!”

Sam peered out of her hiding spot to see two Tok’ra working anxiously at various machines.

“What about Selmak?” asked the other Tok’ra.

“There’s no time, she’ll have to be left behind.”  He didn’t sound particularly concerned about it.

Another blast rocked the room.  “Okay, that’s it.  There’ll be Jaffa in here any moment.”

Sam heard the familiar whine of zat guns followed by small bursts and the acrid smell of burning circuits and metal.  They had obviously destroyed the devices.

The two Tok’ra left the room moments later.

Sam cautiously left her hiding spot and slowly limped towards the tank at the center of the room.

The building shuddered again and Sam leaned her head against the cool glass surface of the container, staring hard at the sinuous form inside.  Was the symbiote aware of any of the chaos around her?  Would she feel pain when the building went up in flames?  Or would she just sleep through her own death?

Sam’s breath began to fog up the glass and still she stared sightlessly, wasting precious moments.

Was she really going to let her die like that?

Horror at the choice she was being forced to make brought roiling nausea and for a moment, Sam was sure she was going to throw up.

In the distance, she could hear the impact of staff blasts.  The Jaffa were in the base.  There couldn’t be much time left until the self-destruct went off.

Sam was moving.

Not allowing herself to think about the ‘what ifs’ and pushing aside the curling tendrils of Jolinar that still occasionally made Sam wake shaking in the middle of the night, she pulled the lid off the stasis unit, letting it crash to the floor.  There was the rumble of approaching footsteps and voices in the distance. 

Then all thinking stopped and Sam plunged her arm into the fluid, making her decision.


	4. Reversal

The sound of alarms jolted Jack from his fitful slumber.  He nearly slipped from his precarious perch on a stool as he blearily pushed up from his rather uncomfortable pillow that turned out to be one of Daniel’s ancient rocks.  He absently wiped drool from the object in question and looked around for Daniel, finding him head down in a journal at his desk, completely oblivious to the klaxons.

Jack pushed to his feet, stretched the kinks out of his back and decided to leave Daniel to his beauty rest.  Chances were that this alarm would be like all the others from the last three weeks: dead ends and false hope.  Daniel could do without that for a few more hours.

Jack traveled the empty, early morning halls at a sedate pace, unsurprised when Teal’c fell in step beside him on level 28.  They were all holding this vigil these days. 

By the time they reached the gate room the mouth of the Stargate already shimmered coolly and three figures were materializing out of the restless blue surface.  Jack didn’t recognize the first two people, but could quickly catalog them as Tok’ra by their outfits.  The third, shorter figure that stood somewhat behind the other two was much more familiar.

Jack’s pace quickened and he jogged the last few steps, coming to rest at the foot of the ramp.  He looked expectantly up at the woman, his heart in his throat.

Anise turned to him, a small smile on her face.

“I found her.”

*     *     *

Less than 24 hours later, Jack, Teal’c and Daniel were crammed together with the three Tok’ra in the Goa’uld cargo vessel left behind by ‘Jacob’ on the Prometheus.  The planet Anise and her companions had determined housed the rebel Tok’ra base did not seem to have a Stargate, as several attempts at dialing it failed to connect.  Thus they were stuck traveling the distance by ship, a voyage estimated to take fifty hours.

The journey was less than pleasant.  Everyone was high strung, wanting to get there as quickly as possible.  And of course Jack was not only impatient, but bored, a dangerous combination.  By the time they neared the planet, the Tok’ra had ensconced themselves in the front of the ship, leaving Daniel and Teal’c to deal with Jack in the back.

Even though it had felt like time had literally stopped there for a while, they did eventually arrive in the target system.

It became rapidly clear that something was not right.

One of Anise’s buddies was running a scan of the surface, concentrating on the southern edge of the main continent where they believed the rebels to be based. 

“I can’t pick up any signs of complex life,” said the blond Tok’ra whose name Jack had never bothered to learn.  “Though something on the planet may be interfering with the instruments.”

“Visuals of the area?” Anise prompted.

The screen in front of them filled with an image of the surface.  Jack stared incomprehensibly at it for a moment before his eyes finally made sense of the black crater he was looking at.

What seemed to have once been a lush forest was now a jagged, burned-out hole.  The barest remains of the foundations of a building were all the evidence that anything had once stood there.

“It seems we were not the only ones to receive this intelligence,” Anise noted in a calm voice that made Jack want to shake her.

“The damage appears to be many days old,” the other Tok’ra supplied.

“Get us down there,” Jack demanded.

No one thought to argue.

Ten minutes later the ship landed a short distance from the wreckage.  The air on the planet was thick with the smell of burning foliage, but the eerie silence of the place was even more disturbing.

Jack and Daniel both walked to the edge of the crater, picking their way carefully around tangled, twisted bits of metal.

Teal’c, meanwhile, had wandered off towards the edge of the encroaching jungle, his head cocked slightly to the side as if listening, a clear signal to Jack that something or someone was watching them.   Jack lifted his gun and gestured for Daniel to circle wide to the left, before moving to the right himself. 

Leaning against the base of a tree a few feet into the jungle was a woman.  She wore a typical dusty Tok’ra costume, but was smudged with dark soot.  A crimson gash stained her side and her face showed various scratches and bruises. 

She gasped as they came around the opening with their guns trained on her.  Hands flew to cover her face.  “Please…don’t hurt me.  I’m sorry…I didn’t mean…,” she babbled in a very human voice.

Daniel automatically stepped forward to calm the woman, but Jack pulled him back, gun still covering the woman.  “Don’t, Daniel.”

Anise came up behind them, ignoring Jack’s restraining hand.  “She is injured and obviously frightened.  I doubt she is much of a threat.”

Anise stepped towards the woman to assess her injuries, but the woman flinched away from her touch.  “I will not harm you,” Anise informed the woman, but she didn’t seem inclined to believe her.

“She is Tok’ra, right?” Jack asked, watching Anise with disapproval.

“No.”

The harsh answer did not come from Anise, but from the cowering woman, her eyes now betraying a small flash of anger.  “I am free,” she said, shoving Anise’s hand away and unsuccessfully trying to push to her feet.  “You can’t do that to me again.”

Daniel’s eyebrow’s rose in astonishment.  “Are we speaking to the host?”

“It seems we might be,” Anise answered.

“Has everybody forgotten Jacob so quickly?” Jack snapped.  “We can’t trust anything she says.”

“Perhaps we can,” Anise said, pulling a healing device from a pouch at her waist.  She held it up to the woman.  “You know what this is?”

The woman nodded, still looking rather suspicious.

“May I use it on you?”

The woman squirmed again, but Daniel put a hand on her shoulder.  “It’ll be okay,” he reassured her. 

She glanced rather dubiously at Daniel, but eventually gave reluctant assent.  Anise held the device up to the back of her neck.  The white glow enveloped the woman’s head and Anise grimaced in concentration, finally slouching back and dropping her arm to her side.

“She speaks the truth.  The symbiote is dead.”

Jack couldn’t find it in himself to care about the dead snake.  Instead he watched the woman with continued mistrust.  “Then shouldn’t she be dead, too?”

“The symbiote can choose to sacrifice themself to save the host,” Anise reminded him.

Jack snorted in disbelief, but was kept from voicing his next scathing remark by a soft voice from below them.

“He said there was no reason for both of us to die.”  Her eyes were unfocused as if seeing something they couldn’t.  “They chased us for days and days…hunting us like animals.  He tried to heal the damage done to my body in the blast, but he was too weak.  He was so…apologetic,” she said lifting her hands in front of her face and staring at them in fascination, moving each one.  “I never thought I would be able to do that again…,” she said, still staring at her fingers.

Jack and Daniel shared a glance, wondering at the woman’s sanity.

“Can you tell us your name?” Daniel asked.

She turned her head and stared at Daniel for a few moments as if not really seeing him.  “Marat,” she finally managed to say. “I am from Pangar.”

“Pangar?” Daniel repeated in surprise, turning to Jack.

But it was Anise that answered.  “Yes, we received intelligence that the rebel Tok’ra were in fact behind that attack.  Culling for hosts, probably out of some misguided feeling of revenge,” Anise said with disgust.

“Please,” Marat said, “I wish to return home.”

Anise settled down next to the woman.  “I promise that you will, but first, please, could you answer some questions?”

Marat nodded.

“What happened here?”

Marat squeezed her eyes tightly shut in concentration.  “It was so confusing…total chaos, but it seemed someone named Bastet had somehow discovered the base’s location.  They were taken by surprise.  The facility was evacuated in haste, most fleeing through the Chapp’ai, but many were left behind.”

“A Stargate?  What Stargate?” Jack asked, looking around the wreckage.

Marat looked around in confusion.  “It must have been buried in the blast.”

“Blast?” Daniel prompted.

“Yes,” she said, nodding slowly.  “There was a sort of self-destruct.  They did not want to Goa’uld to have access to any of their research or the technology.”

“What sort of technology?” Anise asked.

Marat shook her head.  “I’m not really sure.  It was all made by some alien race, long dead.  The place had been nearly swallowed by the jungle.”

Jack pushed to his feet, losing patience with this conversation.  “What about prisoners?  Samantha Carter?  Were they holding her here?”

“The woman from Earth?” Marat asked in clarification.  “Yes, she was here.”

“Did she evacuate with the other Tok’ra?” Daniel asked.

Marat’s eyes darted away from Jack’s face, settling on the ravaged wreckage.  “No,” she said, beginning to look decidedly uneasy.  “She was left behind.  No longer deemed important.” 

Jack turned away from her sorrowful expression, looking to Daniel.  “Maybe she slipped out during the chaos.”

“No,” Marat interrupted.  “I’m sorry, but there was no way she could have made it out on her own.  There was…extensive physical damage.  They did not believe…,” she trailed off as if unable to continue.

“What?” Jack demanded in a harsh tone.

Marat flinched and her eyes now sparkled with tears.  “They did things to her, horrible things.  To her mind.  They were sure she would never recover.”  She took a deep breath.  “They left her for dead.”

Stunned silence filled the charred glade.

Anise was the first to recover.  “Could the Goa’uld have taken her?” she asked, looking for any loopholes.

“No,” Marat said, tearing her eyes away from Jack and looking to Anise.  “Only a few Jaffa made it in before the blast.  There was no time…”

Jack stalked away from the group, walking into the smoldering shell of the building, unable to hear anything else.

Dead.

The word pulsed through his head with every beat of his heart and he felt an overwhelming wave of dizziness.

Some dozen yards away from the others, he crouched down in the debris, sticking his fingers into the charred tangle.  He was aware of everyone’s eyes on his back, but for once, he didn’t care.  His hand closed painfully over a piece of tangled metal and he could feel it cutting into his flesh.

The pain only made everything more real.

“Carter…,” he whispered softly to the silent wreckage, half hoping for some response.

But all that answered him was the deafening silence and oppressive stillness of death.

*     *     *

Daniel watched Jack walk away, his own ears filled with a vague buzzing.  He sensed Anise shift next to him, as if to go after Jack and he stilled her with one hand.  “Leave him,” he said.

Anise’s eyes followed Jack’s disappearing form for a moment before she nodded, turning her attention back to Marat.

Daniel forced his eyes to focus on the woman as well, to tunnel down on her and the information she represented, blocking out all else.  Don’t think, don’t think…

Daniel could feel Teal’c eyes on him, his concern and grief heavy against Daniel’s skin.  Refusing to look at him, Daniel asked Marat, “What about the man who brought her here?”

“Keren?” Marat asked.

“What was his host’s name?”

Marat looked dubiously between Anise and Daniel.  “What makes you think they valued their hosts enough to lend them separate identities?”

Daniel glanced away from the obvious malice.  “Do you know…was his name Jacob? An older man, slightly balding?”

Marat had a faraway look to her for a moment, as if searching through her jumbled memories.  She eventually nodded.  “That sounds right.”

“Keren,” Anise spat, her nostrils flaring gently in anger.  Daniel could feel the righteous indignation radiating off the Tok’ra.  “To think there was a time I called him friend.”

“Was he here…during the attack?” Daniel asked.

Marat shook her head.  “No, he left many days before, when he had finished with the woman.  Extracted what he needed.”

Daniel was torn between being grateful that Jacob had escaped and angry that this Keren had slipped away unharmed.  He should have been the one buried under rubble.

Anise finally seemed to have recovered long enough to ask in a voice rough with anger, “Do you know what he wanted from Major Carter?”

Marat dropped her head into her hands, pinching her nose with her fingers.  “It’s here…somewhere.  Just out of reach.”

Daniel sighed and handed the woman his canteen.  “It’s okay…maybe it will come later.  When you’ve had a chance to rest.”

Marat stared unseeing at the container for a long moment, her forehead furrowed in concentration.  “No…it’s here, just at the edges.”

Daniel dug through his pockets, pulling out bandages and antiseptics to apply to Marat’s wounds.

“Egeria’s Legacy,” Marat finally said, so quietly that Daniel almost missed it.

“Egeria’s Legacy?” Daniel repeated in confusion, looking up from his supplies.  He glanced over at Anise when he heard her quick intake of breath as if in astonishment.  He caught a look that passed between the three Tok’ra, but wasn’t sure what it meant.  “What is that?” he queried.

Anise hastily looked away, but Daniel saw the surprise and concern on her face.  “It’s a myth,” she said with quiet determination.  “It doesn’t exist.”

“Keren obviously thinks it does.”

“It’s insanity,” Anise insisted, “a fairytale.”

“Humor me,” Daniel pressed.

Anise glanced at the other Tok’ra again, eliciting a small nod from each.  Then she took a deep breath, absently playing with the hem of her sleeve with restless fingers.  “Egeria’s Legacy….is said to be the final gift of our Queen.  Something she left behind for her children before she was captured by Ra.”

“Something?” Daniel said dubiously.  “Can you be a little less vague?”

Anise shook her head.  “That’s just it.  No one knows what it is.  Just that it will supposedly help us with our fight against the Goa’uld.”

“A weapon?” Teal’c asked, breaking his long silence.

Anise just shrugged, running a slender hand over her pale face.  “It is a myth,” she repeated.

“And if it isn’t?” Daniel demanded. “If it really is a weapon and somehow Keren is able to find it because of whatever he did to Sam?  Then what?”

“Then we get to it first,” Jack said from behind Daniel, causing him to jump in surprise.  He hadn’t heard him return.  Daniel turned back to see that his face was now an impenetrable mask, revealing only hard, calculated coolness.

Daniel suppressed a shiver.

“Here’s the plan,” Jack said, glancing around at them all.  “First, we find the Stargate.”  He looked at Marat.  “I assume you can tell us where it was.” 

Marat nodded. 

“Good.  We find the gate and unbury it.  Anise, you and your buddies here will go through, find out what you can about this Legacy thing.  Any intel on Jacob or anything.”

Anise nodded slowly, wisely remaining silent.

“Daniel,” Jack said, turning to him.  “You will go back to Earth with Marat.  You can brief Hammond together before sending her back to Pangar.  Tell Hammond that I want full search teams back here as soon as possible.”

“Jack…,” Daniel began, slightly unnerved by the abrupt shift in Jack’s behavior. 

But Jack didn’t want to hear it.  He put up a hand and said, “The ship’s sensors aren’t working.  They didn’t tell us about Marat here, did they?  So we search.  She could be out here somewhere.”

Daniel couldn’t argue with that, even if it had an air of pure desperation to it.

Jack looked around at the exhausted, weary faces regarding him with varying levels of sorrow and disbelief. 

“Let’s get started.”

*     *     *

Janet treated the nasty looking wound in silence, carefully irrigating what looked like charred ash from the ragged gash on Jack’s hand.  The injury had been ignored too long, red angry streaks radiated from it along his palm and down his wrist.  It was too late for stitches, but hopefully not too late for a strong dose of antibiotics to stave off the infection.

Normally she would have asked how he’d done it.  She might have even given him an imperious glare, reminding him to be more careful in the future, threatening him with an overnight stay.  Ranted at him for letting it go untreated for days.

But not today.

Because today Jack had been summarily ordered to come back through the gate, a demand given extra weight by the two SFs sent to collect him, forcibly if need be. 

Daniel had returned to Earth three days earlier, empty handed with nothing but a heavy expression and an ex-Tok’ra host that was as jittery as he was.  Daniel had the Pangaran woman by one arm, speaking quietly to her, his hand constantly touching her shoulder. 

It had taken twenty minutes to calm either of them down enough to get a report.  Jack’s relayed request for search teams was fulfilled within the hour, even as Hammond asked to speak to Jack directly.

But Jack hadn’t come back to Earth; he’d stayed, directing the teams in their search, leading some of them himself.

Hammond’s patience and understanding for the wayward officer had lasted exactly three day before he had Jack forcibly brought home.

Janet waited in the gate room even though no request for her presence had been made.  Hammond didn’t seem to mind.  They stood together and watched Jack walk down the ramp, his SF shadows a few steps behind him.

Janet wasn’t sure what she expected from him.  Anger?  Grief?  Anything other than the complete apathy that seemed to wipe Jack’s face of any expression.  The normally active man was utterly still.  His hands didn’t move as he talked, but lay impassive at his sides.  He reported the recent findings of the search teams in a low, emotionless voice to General Hammond, never faltering.

Janet didn’t hear the words describing fruitless searches and charred out buildings.  She didn’t want to hear them.  Her eyes instead lasered in on the dirty cloth wrapped around Jack’s hand.

“Colonel, you’re injured,” she’d said, pointing needlessly at his hand.

Jack looked down at the wound, flexing his fist.

“Son, you’d better go with Dr. Fraiser and have that checked out,” Hammond had suggested, as if not quite sure what Jack might do as each second passed.

For a moment, Janet had thought Jack was going to protest, to yell or throw something, but instead, he had just turned to Janet and nodded silently.  His eyes had met hers and Janet had literally felt a cold tingle travel down her spine.

She was looking into the eyes of a stranger.

So now some twenty minutes later, as he sat on a bed in the infirmary, she didn’t try to speak to him, her words held back by a combination of not trusting her voice to be steady and not really knowing this man sitting quietly under her ministrations.

She had just begun removing the first piece of shrapnel when General Hammond entered the infirmary.  She felt Jack stiffen under her fingers.

Janet noticed that Hammond looked as ill at ease as she felt, like he knew he was about to have an unpleasant scene on his hands.  Janet had to squelch her instinct to flee, instead redoubling her efforts to focus on the nasty wound and drown out all else.

“I’ve recalled the search teams, Colonel,” Hammond said in an unerringly even voice full of forced calm.

One of Jack’s fingers twitched against Janet’s wrist, but he didn’t say anything.

Hammond paused as if giving them all time to let the information sink in, but the silent moment held no reprieve, only serving to increase Janet’s heart rate painfully.  The air hung thick in the infirmary and Janet wanted to curse Hammond for doing this here in what used to be her sanctuary.

Hammond took a deep, audible breath and then said in a coolly professional voice she hadn’t thought him capable of, “I’ve changed Major Carter’s status to Missing, Believed Dead.”

Janet wondered why all the lights dimmed.

But Hammond wasn’t done with the punches.  “The Memorial service will be this Friday.”

Janet became aware of Jack’s fingers trembling, but when she looked down she realized that she was the one shaking.  His hands had carefully curled around hers, attempting to calm the tremors that threatened to send her tray of instruments spilling to the floor.

“I’ll contact the family, do the arrangements,” Hammond was still saying somewhere in the distance, but all Janet had eyes for were her hands gently quivering in Jack’s steady grip, a soft buzzing obscuring Hammond’s voice.

Hammond had turned to walk out the door, his distasteful duty discharged, when Jack finally spoke.

“No.”

Hammond flinched as if the word had been shouted rather than softly breathed. “Son,” Hammond said, running one hand over his exhausted face, “All evidence points to the fact that she died in that building.  I can’t continue to stretch our resources so thin on what is more than likely a lost cause.  I’m sorry.”

The words had the feeling of a rehearsed speech, as if Hammond had forced himself to memorize the cold litany. 

Jack’s hands clenched painfully around Janet’s for a moment, fresh blood dripping on the white sheets.

“I know,” Jack finally said in a low, rough voice.

Hammond obviously hadn’t expected that response and it somehow managed to break though the icy mask he had erected.   Janet had to look away from the careworn face as his eyes betrayed him by filling swiftly with moisture.  “Then what…?” Hammond said in an impossibly quiet voice that made it easy to forget he was a General.

“I’ll take care of the arrangements,” Jack said, now studiously watching the blood slowly drip off his fingers.

“Jack, you don’t need to-,” Hammond began.

Jack cut across him, lifting his head to look the other man in the eye.  “Yes, I do.”

The two men stared at each other for long moments, a frank sort of communication passing between them.  Finally Hammond nodded, acknowledging Jack’s right.

“Let me know if I can help,” Hammond said before turning on his heel and leaving the infirmary.

Janet stared sightlessly at their entwined hands for the span of one more ragged heartbeat before turning back to her tray of instruments and determinedly finishing with Jack’s wound.  She set up an IV of antibiotics to stop the infection, irrigated the wound and carefully wrapped it in clean gauze.

It wasn’t until the very last strip of tape was in place on the immaculate bandage that the first drop struggled free from her eyes, splashing softly against the pristine cotton.  She looked around for something else to fix, for something else to focus on, but Jack’s hand stopped her restless movement, settling warmly on her shoulder.

Janet took a deep breath, placing her hand over his and squeezing gently.  Then she stepped back away.  “You’ll need to stay a few hours to finish the IV treatment,” she said, her voice surprisingly steady.  “Try to get some sleep.”

Jack nodded and lay back on the bed, closing his eyes.  But as she walked away towards her office he asked in a gravelly voice, “Will it scar?”

She stared at him incomprehensibly for a second before he restlessly waved his bandaged hand at her.  Janet bit her lower lip, fighting back the tears that still threatened.  “Yes,” she managed to answer.

His arm came up and covered his eyes.  “Good,” he replied.

Janet slowly expelled a long breath, feeling it flow softly over her lips.  She felt the tingle in her fingers and the heaviness of her brow, somehow wishing that she had a visible scar too.

But she didn’t, so she went and sat silently in her office staring at the banal walls and tried not to remember that her best friend was dead.

*     *     *

Jack stepped back into the crowd, letting himself be swallowed back up by them.  He rubbed his clammy hands on the legs of his pants and settled into a spot next to Janet, feeling her hand snake out and briefly squeeze his arm.  Jack released a deep breath, grateful that he had managed to speak with dignity to the crowd of people gathered at Sam’s memorial.  His voice had been steady, but not detached and he’d found it easier to talk to them than he expected, detailing what a great soldier, scientist and friend Samantha Carter had been.

But now that all the eyes were pulled away from him as the guns fired into the pale blue sky, Jack was grateful for his sunglasses.  His own personal shield.  Out of the corner of his eye he could see Cassie flinch with each report, tears freely falling down her cheeks.

In a way, Jack envied her emotional freedom.

Soon enough the crowd gradually dispersed, all heading out to the gathering at a local restaurant of which Sam had been particularly fond.  Jack shrugged off Daniel’s offer of a ride, needing a few more moments to himself.

So it was that all that remained was Sam’s brother and his family and another uncomfortably familiar face.

Shanahan.

Jack stared in horror as the man made his way towards him, his instincts yelling at him to flee, but he remained rooted to the spot.  Jack couldn’t quite believe that he had forgotten about the man.  The boyfriend.  Pete probably should have done the plans, made the calls.

“Colonel O’Neill,” Pete said as he drew near.

“Shanahan,” Jack replied with a stiff nod of his head.

“Mark said you did all the arrangements,” Pete observed.  “You did a nice job.”

Jack peered at the man, unsure if he was being sincere or sarcastic.  “I’m sorry.  I probably should have called you.  I didn’t think.”

Pete’s eyebrows rose in surprise.  “Call me?” he asked in confusion.  And then his expression cleared.  “Ah.  She didn’t tell you.”

“Tell me what?” Jack asked a little harshly, his emotions too raw to play games with Sam’s boyfriend.

“We broke up,” Pete said, now gazing over the grassy field.  “Weeks ago. Though I can’t say I’m too surprised she never told you.  Just….disappointed I guess.”

Jack didn’t know what to make of that and he really didn’t want to anyway.  “Well, it wasn’t really any of my business,” he said, looking around for a quick exit.

Pete snorted softly.  “You two really were a lot alike, weren’t you?”

Jack couldn’t think of a safe answer to that.  He craned his neck to see if, by some miracle, Daniel was still around.  He would gladly take that ride now.

Pete finally looked back at Jack, either not noticing or not caring that the other man was uncomfortable with this discussion.  “I was the one who left, you know,” he said bracingly, his eyes now soft with sorrow.  “She came back with bruises, stitches and a busted leg and I just couldn’t handle it.  I couldn’t handle not being able to fix it, or be with her to keep her safe, or hell, even know what the she was really doing day by day.  I’m a cop.  Action is my thing.  I just couldn’t sit around waiting, wondering if she would ever come back.”

Pete stopped talking, taking a deep breath as if trying to steady himself again.  “I’m not sure what kind of man that makes me, but it’s something I’ll have to deal with myself.”

Jack stared at his toes and shifted slightly from foot to foot, made uncomfortable by the man’s heartfelt confessions.

Pete gave Jack a small broken smile.  “I know you don’t want to hear any of this, but my point is that you _were_ there for her.  I know she never said it, but it meant a lot to her.  _You_ meant a lot to her.  And I just thought you should know that.”

Pete stretched out a hand to Jack and he shook it.  Then Pete walked away, back towards Mark.

“But I wasn’t there when it mattered most,” Jack said, not even aware of the thought until he had spoken it. 

Pete might have heard the soft words, because his strides faltered for a moment, but Jack had already turned on his heel and charged off in the opposite direction, never bothering to look back.

*     *     *

One week of personal leave was spent pretty much doing what most people would expect of Jack, drinking beer and watching TV.  He didn’t have the mind for chess and his emotions were too volatile to risk opera.  So he listened to mindless commercials telling him how to improve his life by buying better products instead.

If only anything were ever that simple.

On his last day of leave, Daniel predictably appeared on his stoop, more than likely sent to check on Jack’s mindset.  Jack briefly wondered what the spread was on whether or not he would actually ever return to the SGC.  He’d have to ask Siler someday.

Jack was well past the point of illusion anymore, finally accepting the fact that his carefully hidden feelings for Sam had been not so hidden as he’d thought.  In fact, it turned out that the only person he had been fooling was himself.

Not that it really mattered anymore.

Daniel sat across from Jack, pretending to nurse a beer, but Jack could tell that he was just working up the nerve to ask Jack what he was planning to do now.

Retirement.

It was what most people expected, even Daniel.  Jack had to admit that there was a certain appeal to the idea.  He could disappear into obscurity; hang out at his cabin, a place blissfully free of bad memories.  There was nowhere around here that wasn’t haunted, every spot a potential booby-trap of reminders of what never was.  What never could be.

So, retirement.  It would be nice to no longer be responsible to anything or anyone.

Really.

But Jack wasn’t going to retire.  He should tell Daniel that just to ease the heavy look from his face.  But he didn’t, maybe because if he did, Daniel would want to know why.

Jack could probably say that he wasn’t ready to quit, that there was a battle still going on that needed to be fought.

But it was a lie.

Honestly, he didn’t give a damn about the Goa’uld anymore.  Even if they probably could offer him a chance to go down in a blazing bang of glory.  But that wasn’t why he wasn’t retiring.

There was really only one thing propelling Jack’s ass off the couch, only one thing sending him back into that goddamned mountain.

Revenge.

The simple drive was what enabled him to dress in his uniform, look Hammond in the eye and pick some whey-faced newbie to take Sam’s place.

The simple fact was that Keren was running around the Galaxy somewhere, chasing the Tok’ra Holy Grail with information he had brutally wrested from Carter’s mind.  And Jack would be damned it he would be allowed to succeed.

Someday, somehow, someone was going to pay for what had been done to Samantha Carter. 

He would see to it.

*     *     *

General Hammond watched the new SG-1 gather in the gate room.  Captain Santos was a fine addition to the group.  A good soldier and also bright, he was a bit of an electrical engineering guru.  Sam had often spoken highly of the young man, and Hammond was sure that her approval more than anything had secured him the spot.

Today was their first mission, exactly six weeks after the disappearance of Sam.  High Councilor Tuplo of the Land of Light had sent out a personal request to see SG-1 and Jack had thought it as good a mission as any to break Santos in.

Down below, Daniel was talking to Santos, who was nodding avidly as if absorbing advice from the more experienced man.  Not many soldiers would feel comfortable with a civilian giving advice, but Santos seemed to have no problems with it.  Hell, from what Hammond had seen so far, Santos wasn’t even intimidated by the great Jack O’Neill.

Yes, overall, Santos made a good fit, even if his very presence was a bitter reminder of what had been lost.

Hammond’s eyes moved on to Jack, observing the Colonel’s relaxed expression and seemingly unconscious stance.  He looked for all the world like nothing was wrong and that he was just waiting to step through the gate on another routine mission, like the dozens before it.

Hammond wondered who the hell he thought he was fooling.

The General may not know what exactly was going on in Jack’s head, but he wasn’t stupid either.  He just hoped that whatever it was Jack was up to, it didn’t end up getting anyone else killed.

Hammond watched the premiere team disappear into the waiting waters and tried to ignore his growing sense of unease that things were about to change all over again.


	5. Union

Sam had brief and brutal flashes of awareness.

There were long, low corridors and uncomfortably close impacts of weapons’ fire.  Burning agony in her side.  She vaguely saw a wormhole.  But beneath it all was the horrible understanding that she wasn’t in control.  There, in the background, was a whisper, but Sam couldn’t understand it.  She was too busy screaming; ranting at herself for being stupid enough to fall for what had obviously been a Tok’ra trick.  She screamed and screamed, brutally aware that she had no voice to follow the internal command. 

There were moments when time seemed to drag on indefinitely and others where years seemed to pass in the blink of an eye.  Sam cursed herself a fool one more time before the endless spinning derailed her internal dialog and then there was just blissful darkness.

*     *     *

Sam woke to soft, calm humming and someone whispering her name. 

‘Samantha.’

Sam tried to move, to look around for the source of that voice and anxiety rose again at her inability to control her body.

‘Shh…Samantha.’ 

But Sam was anything other than reassured, as the voice continued to fill her head.  She couldn’t remember how she got this way.  Why couldn’t she move?  Where was she?

What the hell was going on?

‘I had to take control.  You were panicking and there was little time left to escape.  You were confused, disoriented.  I…I saw no other way,’ the disembodied voice supplied.

‘Selmak?’ Sam finally managed to project, trying to ignore the way her mouth wouldn’t form the words.

‘Yes, Samantha.’

Sam could feel Selmak’s regret mingling with something that Sam could only describe as gratitude and affection.  It was not the most pleasant experience; Sam’s feelings were tumultuous enough by themselves.  Sam mentally took a deep breath and concentrated on relaxing.  At the very least, she was sure that it was Selmak.  It was impossible to mislead and lie at this, the barest level of intimacy.

‘If you are feeling calmer, I will gladly relinquish control,’ Selmak offered.

Sam nodded and with an absurd amount of relief, felt her head actually move.  She glanced around their surroundings and saw that she was lying in a small hut-like enclosure made of what looked like mud and twigs.  Sunlight streamed in through the entrance and she was caught for a moment, watching dust motes aimlessly swirl in the golden beam.

‘Thank you,’ Selmak said softly, bringing Sam’s wandering mind back to the situation at hand.

Sam didn’t have to ask what Selmak was thankful for.  Sam now clearly remembered sticking her hand into the warm waters of Selmak’s tank, the image sliding to the forefront of her-, no, their mind.

 _Their_ mind.

Without conscious thought, Sam’s hand lifted weakly to touch the back of her neck.  She tried her hardest not to think of it, to not remember, but unbidden, her feelings of helplessness, rage and even disgust bubbled to the surface.

Sam’s nails dug into her flesh as if seeking to tear out the intruder she knew had settled in against her spine.

There again, a sense of regret flooded her mind and she knew it was Selmak’s feelings. 

‘I’m sorry, Selmak,’ Sam said, feeling guilty for her reaction.  Neither Jolinar nor Keren had been Selmak’s fault.  She tried to force her trembling fingers to remember that too.

‘Do not be.  I know what this is costing you.  And while I appreciate it, you must know that I will leave you at any time.  I will not stay where I am not wanted, no matter what you may have come to believe about us.’

Images of her father looking kindly down at her with sympathy etched across his face rose in her mind.  But it wasn’t him, rather a monster hiding behind his features.

Sam ruthlessly pushed all thoughts of Keren aside, not wanting to think of him or his infernal machine.  Instead, she focused on taking stock of her situation, figuring out a way to get home.

Sam tried to push up to her elbow to get a better look around, but it trembled dangerously and Sam had to lower herself back down to the pallet lined floor.

‘Careful,’ Selmak advised.  ‘Your body is still very weak.’

It was only then that Sam remembered her left side weakness.  She raised her hand and deftly flexed her fingers.

‘I was able to repair the brain damage, but it took a great deal of time and I was unable to prevent the temporary atrophy of your muscles.’

Sam registered weakness in Selmak’s voice.  Healing her must have cost the Tok’ra a great deal.

‘Thank you,’ Sam said, knowing that Selmak had saved her life in more ways than one.  Sam seriously doubted she would have been able to make it out of the building on her own, let alone find a safe place to recuperate.  ‘Where are we, anyway?’

‘With a group of people who call themselves the Binghi.  I have spent time with them in the past and knew we would be safe here.’

Sam decided to take her word on it, because her eyes were beginning to drift back closed.  Just a few hours of sleep, she decided, and then she could figure a way back home.

She fell asleep to the calls of strange laughing birds and Selmak’s soft humming.

*     *     *

Sam next struggled to consciousness to find a woman sitting in the small hut with her.  She could only see the silhouette of the soft curve of her back in the dim lighting, where she was clearly working on some task or another, her concentration focused on the practiced motions of her hands.

Sam shuffled uneasily, more than a little unnerved to wake to the company of a stranger.  Her pallet rustled beneath her and the woman turned to Sam, revealing a middle-aged face with dark eyes set in warm coffee-colored skin.  She moved to kneel by Sam and it was only then that Sam noticed that the woman wore little more than an apron tied around her waist, leaving her upper torso exposed.  Long black hair flowed nearly to her waist.

The woman smiled gently at Sam, lifting a cool hand to press to her forehead as if checking for fever.  Then she opened her mouth and spoke to Sam.  It was by far one of the strangest experiences Sam could remember.  One the one hand, the words sounded meaningless to Sam, a low choppy language accompanied by various hand gestures.  But at the same time there was as sort of instant internal translation that Sam belatedly realized was Selmak. 

“I am pleased to see you awake.  You must be hungry,” the woman seemed to be saying.

Sam could only nod mutely in response, her stomach choosing that moment to heartily agree with the sentiment by rumbling loudly.

The woman, whose name Selmak quickly supplied as Aroona, giggled softly behind her hand before rising gracefully to her feet and leaving the hut.

‘Aroona is a _koradji_ , a healer,’ Selmak provided.  ‘She has tended to us during our stay.’

With a great deal of effort, Sam managed to lever herself into a seated position, her legs tucked underneath her.  She was dizzy for a moment and wondered why she felt like she had just been out with a nasty flu.

‘How long have we been here?’ Sam asked, stretching out her back and feeling her muscles protest in response.

‘A little over two weeks.’

‘Two weeks!’ Sam echoed in alarm.  Quick calculations told her that she had been gone from Earth at least five weeks, then, give or take a few days of delirium.  Everyone must be frantic, wondering where she was.  Or worse.  Was five weeks long enough to assume her dead?  Would they even still be looking?

Five weeks.  How was the war with Anubis going?  Was the dialing program working okay without her?  Was the SGC still even there?

Sam pushed away such disturbing thoughts and instead forced her wobbling legs beneath her, one hand digging into the crumbling walls of the structure for support.  She had to get back.  Now.

‘Samantha,’ Selmak said.  ‘Please be reasonable.  I can rehabilitate your muscles if you just give me a few more days.  I just need a little rest.  Then you can return to Earth.’

But Sam was convinced she was being reasonable.  What wasn’t reasonable was asking her to sit around for a few more days.  She had to get back.  Find the nearest Stargate and go home.

She managed one tentative step and then another, ignoring the screaming protests of her limbs and the prickles of light dancing around the periphery of her vision.  One more step that drained the last of her reserves and she was outside, blinking against the blinding light.

Sam wound her fingers around a vine-like object hanging from the entrance to the hut and waited impatiently for her eyes to adjust to the harsh illumination.  Slowly, as her legs continued to tremble alarmingly beneath her, the landscape gradually came into focus.

As far as her eyes could see, deep red soil stretched in every direction, only occasionally broken by small formations of brittle rocks.  For a moment, Sam thought she was back on K’Tau, the sun shifted dangerously to the infared.  But a glance up at the wide, open blue sky, so bright it was almost white, told Sam that this was different.  It was an infinite desert of red soil.

Against the vastness of the sky and the flat endless desert, Sam felt like the smallest fleck of dust.

The heat was the next to hit Sam and she almost wilted under the pounding sun.  She gently let her body down to the ground, leaning her back tiredly against the exterior of the hut, feeling the warmth of the surface bleed into her flesh.  There were a few other huts near hers and she could occasionally register a flash of movement within them.

Off to her right, Sam could make out a small cluster of trees, their verticality contrasting greatly with the panoramic view.  The calls of strange birds were coming from that direction and Sam imagined she could hear the sound of cool waters splashing.  But it was off to her left that the real landmark of this vista loomed.  A huge rock or mountain stood all by itself and Sam had a hard time judging the distance or size of the object as it wavered slightly in the silvery illusion of heat currents.

‘The Stargate?’ Sam asked.

‘It is some distance,’ Selmak answered.

Sam let her head fall back and closed her eyes against the glaring sun.

‘Just a few more days,’ Selmak reassured her.

Sam lifted her head and stared hard at the distant trees and the cool shade they offered, judging the distance.  ‘If I can make it to the trees, then we leave.’

‘Samantha-,’ Selmak began, but she must have sensed Sam implacability because she let her voice trail off, the rebuke unspoken.

Sam had bounced back from injury before without a symbiote to help her.  This time could be the same.  She would make it to the trees, step by step, and then she would go home.  ‘You rest, Selmak,’ Sam said, ‘I’ll worry about my muscles.’

Selmak’s only answer was silence.

When Aroona returned, tsking about Sam’s skin being too fragile to be in the sun, Sam silently let her assist her back into the hut and gratefully took a bowl full of food, not bothering to ask what _goanna_ was.  It didn’t matter anyway.  All that mattered was that she got her strength back.  She’d eat anything.

*     *     *

Sam lay back on the pallet, resting up before her first attempt to walk to the trees in the morning.  After eating she had spent some time stretching her muscles, working out the kinks built up with lying immobile for weeks.  By the time she had finished dark had fallen in the camp and the gentle sound of voices and nightly activities gradually faded.  Aroona sat in the corner, her fingers working once again at some task by a small sputtering lantern.  Sam watched her for a while, her stomach pleasantly full and her eyes heavy.  Strange sounds and smells mingled in her senses, but not unpleasantly.

‘We should talk about Keren,’ Selmak said, intruding upon Sam’s quiet reflection.

All well-being quickly fled at the mention of the Tok’ra’s name. ‘What about him?’ Sam asked.

‘Well, to start with, why he went to so much trouble to get to you.’

‘I don’t know,’ Sam answered.  ‘He never really shared all that much with me, just something about wanting to destroy the Goa’uld once and for all.  Though, how torturing me helped him with that, I have no idea.’

‘He never even told you what he was looking for?’

‘No,’ Sam said shaking her head.

Her mind filled with a memory that wasn’t her own.  Jacob was strapped to a chair, a man Sam didn’t recognize standing over him.  “We have great plans, Selmak,” the man was saying, pacing back and forth across the room. “You could have been a part of it, if you’d just seen reason.”

He turned suddenly to look Jacob straight in the eye and Sam recognized who this must be.  The powerful flash of belief glowed in the man’s eyes like a fever and she knew that this was Keren, before he had stolen her father’s body.

“I will find Egeria’s Legacy,” he continued.  “I will win freedom for all of us.  Then you will see that all of this has just been a necessary step towards a noble goal.  When that day comes, all of this will be forgotten and all that will matter is that we have won.”

Selmak’s tired voice then filled the room.  “Careful, Keren, I fear you have lost the path.”

But Keren didn’t seem to hear her words.  He just leaned over them closely, an understanding smile covering his face.  “No, thanks to you, I’ve just found it.”

He gestured for some unseen figures to move forward, holding implements Sam didn’t recognize, but that caused the Selmak in the memory to squirm with terror.  ‘Jacob,’ she gasped.

The memory terminated, breaking off mid-thought and Sam found herself once again in the dark interior of the bark hut.  Selmak was quiet and Sam was still reeling from the intensity of feelings conveyed in the memory.  She had never really thought much about Selmak’s relationship with her father and only now did she finally realize the unbearable agony she must have suffered being forcibly removed from Jacob, being unable to prevent it.

Selmak loved Jacob, that much was clear.  It wasn’t really a love Sam could define or even understand.  It wasn’t simply romantic or platonic.  It was a bond Sam could barely comprehend, so fundamental a thing that loosing Jacob only to find herself floating alone in a sterile lab container must have felt a bit like tearing herself in half.

Sam felt tears welling and wasn’t sure if they were hers or Selmak’s.

‘What do you want to know?’ Sam asked, wanting to help if she could.

‘I need you to remember what he did to you.’

Sam felt her heart begin to pound, translating into an unpleasant throb at her temple.  ‘Can’t you just access that yourself?’

Selmak might have sighed.  ‘This is your mind, Samantha, you must know that I would never do such a thing to you.’

Sam wiped her now sweaty palms on her legs, willing her breathing to remain calm.  But it didn’t seem to be working.  She could already feel the curling tendrils of panic beginning to rise around her and shook her head.  ‘I don’t think I can do this, Selmak.’

‘Please.  Just try.’

For Jacob.

The last bit was unspoken, but Sam heard it just as clearly as if she had shouted it.

Admitting defeat, Sam closed her eyes and took a deep steadying breath and tried to focus on the first time she had ever seen to device.

Sam was being led into the chamber and strapped into a chair by two large men, one with a black eye.  Sam felt a momentary flash of satisfaction, knowing she had given it to him.  But then Keren was there, wearing her father’s face and talking animatedly to her, the words garbled.

‘Concentrate, Samantha,’ came Selmak’s soft voice from somewhere in the distance.

Sam refocused her mind and the last of Keren’s word rung clearly throughout the room. 

“The sacrifice of one in the face of saving millions of innocent people is something that can’t be escaped.”

The Sam in the memory gasped something, but the words were once again lost as the sound of the machine warming up filled the memory.  And then the torture began.

Images flashed by at alarming speeds and Sam could register nothing but swirling colors and piercing pain that enveloped her body. 

‘Slow it down.  You have control here, Samantha, not him.  This can’t hurt you anymore.’

But what did those words mean when her mind was being torn apart?  The images just swam by even faster, emotions swirling along with them like a nauseating dance.  She was drowning in it.  The scream that bubbled up in her throat was echoed by the Sam in the memory.

‘Samantha!’ Selmak said.  ‘It isn’t real!’

For a moment, Sam felt control of her body being wrested away from her.

Blearily Sam felt the floor hard under her back and steady hands on her brow.  Tears mingled with sweat on her face as she continued to tremble.  Aroona’s frightened face hovered over hers, her brown eyes wide.

“Please,” Sam begged, “please don’t make me remember.”

Aroona didn’t understand her words and continued to gently bathe her face making small crooning sounds of comfort.  But in the background, Sam could feel Selmak retreating, pulling back from her memories.  The Tok’ra’s words hovered minutely in the distance.

‘As you wish.’

Sam let her eyes slide shut and she dreamed of warm arms supporting her and familiar fingers digging into her shoulder with relief and fear.  And in the distance, the softest sigh and the barest flash of ginger curls.

*     *     *

In the glimmer of false dawn, Sam pushed her aching body up off the pallet and took two short steps to the entrance of the hut.  She leaned there for a moment, shaking the clinging sleep off her body and mind.

The desert was breathtakingly beautiful with dawn nothing more than a purple smudge in the deep blue-black of the night sky.  A few stubborn stars still hovered dimly.  The air was refreshingly cool and Sam could feel a soft breeze lift away the sleepy heat of her skin.

Sam took a deep breath and turned her back on the sunrise, instead focusing on the small copse of trees.  All she had to do was reach them and everything would be okay again.  She would be able to go home, back to the SGC.  They would have a way to save Jacob.

Daniel.  He would be able to come up with something.  Maybe he knew something from when he was an Ancient.  Or Teal’c.  Maybe Teal’c knew a rebel Jaffa somewhere who’d had a sighting of Jacob.

Or Jack.  He would understand.  She just knew he would.

‘You miss him,’ Selmak observed.

It was a statement more than a question and Sam had to bite back the ingrained instinct to innocently say ‘who?’  Having a symbiote who could read your thoughts was damn inconvenient.

‘Jacob thought so, too,’ Selmak said with a small laugh tinged with sad fondness.

Sam focused on taking her next step, trying to ignore Selmak’s continuing dialog.  But the Tok’ra would have none of that, obviously feeling a little sadistic first thing in the morning.

‘You miss his council.  Lately he has been the only one to truly understand you, even when you didn’t understand yourself.  It’s…easier…to have someone to follow, someone to answer to.  You still half expect him to save you.’

There was no accusation in her voice, just understanding, but Sam still wanted to deny it, wanted to flush with indignation and snap that Samantha Carter didn’t need anyone or anything, thank you very much.  But lying to yourself wasn’t nearly as easy when you had an old soul rattling around your synapses. 

‘This isn’t who I’m supposed to be,’ Sam finally replied, unable to deny it.

‘And who is that, exactly?’ Selmak prompted.

A few months ago Sam would have had an easy answer for that question.  But now the memory of herself cowering on the floor of the hut, begging, was far too fresh in her mind and all she could think of was the third Sam she had hallucinated, sitting in a corner with her knees hugged to her chest. 

How was she supposed to know anymore?

‘It’s harder for you out here,’ Selmak empathized.  ‘It was the same for your father at first.  No rules, no roles to play.  All you are left with is yourself.  He clung to them as long as he could, but in the end, he realized that none of that really mattered.’

Sam pushed doggedly on, trying to ignore Selmak’s words, not wanting them to be true of her.  She nearly tripped over a stone in her haste and she could feel her muscles trembling with fatigue.  Though she had traveled more steps than she imagined she could have the first day, the cool waters of the pond were still distant.  Sam was filled with a desperate need to cover the expanse.

‘I know it scares you,’ Selmak continued, refusing to be ignored.

Sam’s left leg buckled, refusing to be pushed any farther.  From her seat in the dust, Sam could only stare at her nebulous goal, forced to accept defeat for today.  Aroona hovered in the distance, ready to help her back to the hut.  Sam waved at her to come nearer, feeling the familiar cramp in her leg from her months old injury.

Sam rubbed at her leg, her anger at Selmak’s words and the position she found herself in burning brightly in her chest.  She petulantly wondered how having a symbiote was supposed to be so great if it couldn’t even fix her leg!

‘There is nothing wrong with your leg, child,’ Selmak said.  ‘There never was.’

Sam was stunned for a moment, and forced herself to concentrate on the feel of Aroona’s strong hands clasping her arms, levering her up off the dusty ground.

Of course there was something wrong with her leg, she thought rather waspishly.  It had been bothering her for months.  It’s not like she was just imagining it!

‘Other than some small weakness, you are in perfect health,’ Selmak reiterated.

‘But…,’ Sam protested.  She thought of all the times it had pained her.  The briefing, on Keren’s ship…in the temple on Pangar.  And now, when Selmak had pushed her...  
 _  
I know it scares you._

And like a bolt of lightening, Sam could suddenly see the pains for what they were, physical manifestations of her fears.  She let out a harsh laugh, startling the forgotten Aroona.  Somewhere along the line, Sam had let herself become a head case.  Maybe they had been right to relieve her of duty.

But why?  Why now?  After everything she had been through, why was this the pain that benched her?  Why was this the time that she just couldn’t get over it?  What the hell was wrong with her?

‘The alpha site,’ Selmak prompted, obviously reading something Sam was consciously trying to ignore.

Unbidden, images of the super soldier leapt to the front of her mind.  Sam could feel panic building in her chest, her hands reaching for non-existent weapons in reaction.

‘Part of you wanted it,’ Selmak observed with awe as the memories flowed over them both.

‘Wanted what?’ Sam projected, even though part of her already knew the answer.

‘Wanted to die.’

Sam nearly tripped, pain flaming to life once again.  She stubbornly refused to reach for her flesh, to knead out the non-existent injury.  Instead, she gestured weakly for Aroona to let go of her and tumbled bonelessly to the ground as the woman reluctantly withdrew her support.  
 _  
I know it scares you._

“This isn’t supposed to be me,” Sam confessed aloud to the surrounding desert, dropping to her knees in the red dust.

But the desert had no answer for her.

*      *     *

Every morning during the glow of pre-dawn and every evening after the last rays of the sun disappeared beneath the stretching horizon, Sam walked as far as she could towards the trees.  For her, it had become like an obsession.  She rested dutifully during the heat of the day and lay staring at the ceiling of the hut at night.

She never slept at night, somehow aware that in the dark her mind preyed on her, mocking her with her weaknesses.  Taunting her with dreams of failure, of giving up.  The disappointment and fear in Jack’s eyes.  Her father screaming soundlessly inside his own body.  Daniel’s harsh, ghostly voice, “Have a nice death, Sam.”

And her own face, staring back at her, talking in riddles.  “At least you still have us.”

It was on the fourth day that Sam managed to make it all the way down to the edge of the trees, finally discovering for herself the small collection of water surviving in the minute patch of shade.  She sank gently to her knees in the soft river sand, her fingers dipping into the cool water.

There were birds softly calling to each other in the sparse branches of the few stalwart trees surviving on the edge of this desert oasis and the surface of the water rippled outward at the movement of some unseen creature below the surface.

Selmak had been unusually quiet since their discussion the first morning and Sam almost missed the company. 

Almost.

Sam could feel the energy returning to her limbs and knew that Selmak had regained her vigor and even now was working on her muscles, strengthening them.  Getting Sam’s body ready for whatever came next. 

But reaching her goal of this small billabong had not afforded Sam the peace she had imagined.  Because as her single-minded obsession with this place began to clear, Sam was left to face the one fact she had been ignoring all along.

“I can’t go back, can I.”

Sam spoke the words out loud, needing to make the thought that had been dancing around the periphery of her consciousness more real somehow, giving them purchase in this reality.

Selmak stirred in the back of her mind.  ‘Only you can decide that,’ she said.

Right.  Sam’s decision.  It always came back to her.

Her mind automatically began reciting protocol.  Her iris codes would have been invalidated ages ago, even if she actually had a GDO.  Plan B for a stranded soldier was to report immediately to Cimmeria, where a small survival pack was stashed with a radio.  Dial Earth from the safe haven and wait for a retrieval team.  Simple, easy and effective.

Unless you had a Tok’ra stowaway along for the ride.

The same safeguards on Cimmeria that made it a Goa’uld free zone also made it impossible for Sam to travel there without killing Selmak or abandoning her on this planet.

‘There is a person here willing to be host to me,’ Selmak offered, her tone and emotions carefully neutral.

It was tempting, Sam couldn’t deny it.  This was a Tok’ra issue, after all, and she was not and had never chosen to be a Tok’ra.  She had saved Selmak’s life.  That had to be enough, right?

‘And then what would you do?’ Sam asked, pushing the disturbing thoughts aside for a moment.  ‘Live the rest of your life here?’

‘No,’ Selmak said.  ‘I would find Jacob and Keren.’

Sam felt Selmak’s determination, but underneath it was the hopelessness she couldn’t quite hide from Sam, no matter how hard she was trying.

‘You have no idea where to even start looking,’ Sam said with a sigh.

Sam could feel Selmak pulling back from her, keeping something from her.

‘But you think I do,’ Sam concluded with anger rising in her throat.

‘I’m not justifying what Keren did, far from it.  But at the same time, there is the possibility that he managed to find what he needed in your mind.  If we can discover what that is, we might be able to find him.’

Sam had been avoiding thinking about Keren and his infernal machine, choosing to instead focus relentlessly on a single goal: getting home.  But home was looking farther and farther away by the moment.  Because no matter how tempting it was to abandon Selmak here, Sam couldn’t ignore the fact that Selmak needed her.  Her father needed her. 

Sam knew there were other paths back to the SGC besides Cimmeria, any number of planets she could contact them from.  But after what Keren had done, no one in the SGC would have any reason to trust her.  She couldn’t hide the fact that she had a symbiote and there was no way to prove who she was.  And even if there was, it would take time.  Time they didn’t have.  If Selmak was right, Keren already had almost three weeks on them.

Sam sighed and rubbed at her temple.  Logically, she knew she should just return to the SGC and deal with the consequences.  Follow protocol.

But Selmak had been right.  Things were different out here and Sam was different, too.  And if she had enough guts, maybe she could find out a little bit more about this new Sam that had so long been eluding her.  Maybe she could stop being afraid.

She so desperately wanted to stop being afraid.

‘I can’t let them keep thinking I’m dead,’ Sam said, a plan already formulating in her mind once her decision had been made. 

Selmak waited patiently for her to continue.

Taking a deep breath, Sam finally said, ‘Then I think you’d better tell me why Keren thought I could help him find this Egeria’s Legacy thing.  And how you’re going to help me find out if I did.’

Logically, Sam knew Selmak didn’t have a face, but she could have sworn she smiled.


	6. Reincarnation

Daniel stepped into the dim forest on the dark side of P3X-797 with Santos directly on his heels.  Daniel watched the man for any sign of queasiness from his trip through the gate, but Santos seemed unaffected as he automatically moved away from the wormhole and took up a casual defensive position behind the DHD.  The move was achingly familiar, something he had seen Sam do a thousand times before, but that he was horribly aware he would never see her do again.

Jack was the next to come through and he nearly tripped over Daniel, who hadn’t thought to move out of the way, caught up as he was in his thoughts.  Jack managed not to fall down the stairs leading up to the gate and sent Daniel an annoyed glare.

“Sorry,” Daniel mumbled, shuffling out of the way, privately wondering how long it would take before he could look at Santos and not think of Sam. 

Jack didn’t respond and when Daniel looked up, it was to find Jack staring off into the forest, his weapon partially raised.  Daniel automatically felt his heart rate quicken and his hand dropped to the berretta strapped to his thigh.  “What is it, Jack?” he asked.

But Jack just shook his head, lowering his weapon.  “It’s nothing,” he bit out, waving for Santos to take point with Teal’c.

But Daniel thought it must be something, because he caught Jack staring back over his shoulder again as he took position at their six.  Daniel scanned the forest, but could make nothing out in the perpetual gloom.

“Come on, let’s get this over with,” Jack said.

“Whatever you say, Jack,” Daniel replied, not sure what to make of the man’s behavior these days.

SG-1 had been invited specifically to a celebration of the liberation of the Touched as the guests of honor.  Tuplo, in fact, had been quite adamant that it be SG-1 that came through.  This seemed a little odd to Daniel as not a single person seemed to have noticed the absence of Sam.  Not to mention the fact that by Daniel’s calculations this wasn’t even the right time of year for the anniversary.  When he’s asked Tuplo about it, though, the leader had simply mumbled something about differing calendar systems.

So all in all, it was a strange visit.

Santos seemed to be the perfect mix of interested and yet not overly enthusiastic, but then again, there wasn’t a lot of technology here to get excited about.  Teal’c, as usual, was given quite a wide berth by the people and Jack’s distracted mood was a secret to no one, even though Melosha seemed quite determined to keep him company.  It was left to Daniel to keep up the small talk with Tuplo and his advisors through the eleven course meal.

The meal was followed by traditional dancers (who luckily now jumped over men dressed up like bulls rather than jumping actual livestock) and a rather creative reenactment of SG-1’s part of curing the curse of the Touched, including mock SG uniforms.  Sam would have absolutely laughed her ass off, Daniel thought fondly, catching himself more than once leaning over to make some observation to her, only to find an empty spot next to him.

Eventually, even though the sun never set in this place, it was deemed late at night and SG-1 bowed out of accommodations for the night, instead choosing to walk back to the gate.  Melosha and Tuplo accompanied them to the edge of the dark forest, thanking them for coming and pressing small gifts into their hands.

And Daniel could have sworn Melosha’s eyes strayed to the forest beyond them as if looking for something.

*     *     *

Sam waited calmly in the brush, watching Daniel and Teal’c disappear into the waiting pool of light with someone that looked like Captain Santos. 

‘Must be my replacement,’ Sam commented to Selmak.

‘It doesn’t mean you have been forgotten, Samantha,’ Selmak chided.

‘I know, I know…it’s just….’

‘You would rather be there with them than crouched in the dirt with me,’ Selmak supplied with not a little bit of amusement in her voice.

Sam rolled her eyes and didn’t even bother to try and defend herself.  ‘Dad was right; you do have a wicked sense of humor.’

Selmak laughed in response, but not without a stab of sorrow at the mention of Jacob.

Right, Dad, Sam remembered, refocusing her mind on the task at hand.

Jack was walking up the platform stairs to follow his team when he suddenly turned around and looked out into the surrounding forest, almost as if he just knew she was there.  Sam felt her breath freeze in her throat.

‘Quickly, child,’ Selmak prompted.

Sam pushed to her feet.  ‘Selmak…I just need you-.’

‘I will be the soul of discretion.  You won’t even know I am here, I promise.’

Sam nodded.  ‘Thanks.’

Jack had turned back to the gate and Sam stepped quickly into the clearing.

“Colonel,” she called out, her voice carrying unnaturally loud in the quiet of the forest.

She could see him flinch as her voice reached him.  For a long moment he just stood with his back to her, staring into the wormhole.  Sam held her breath, scared he would step through without even looking at her.

Eventually, though, he slowly turned around.  The look on his face, the raw pain and haunted gaze, made Sam feel breathless.  She could tell he didn’t really believe she was there.

“Carter?” he finally said, his voice slightly strangled.

“Yes, sir,” Sam replied.

He was down the steps and charging towards her before she could even blink.  His hand reached out and brushed her sleeve and Sam took a jerky step back from his unexpected intensity. 

He allowed her the space, even as his eyes raked her form as if looking for any evidence of injury.

“I’m okay,” she said.

She heard Jack expel a breath of relief before running a shaky hand through his hair.  “She said they’d done things to you….”

It took Sam a moment to follow what he meant, but then she could feel cold sweat break out on her brow and tremors run through her body at the very thought of what she’d undergone in Keren’s machine.  “You found the planet?” Sam asked, trying to ignore the softness of Jack’s voice.

“Yeah…,” he said, still watching her carefully.  “There was nothing left but smoldering wreckage.”

Sam closed her eyes, wrapping her arms tight across her chest.  “Good,” she managed to say, thankful that the machine would never hurt anyone else again.

Then Jack was touching her, his hand on her sleeve as if testing the reality of what he was seeing.  She opened her eyes to find him inches from her.  “What did they do to you?” he asked.

In that moment she was nearly overwhelmed with how much she had missed him.  How she wished he had been there with her, to help her make these decisions that were impossible to make.

Sam swallowed at the lump in her throat and felt Selmak sending soothing vibes out to her.  Sam took a moment to be thankful that Selmak was, for the most part, keeping out of this.  This was hard enough as it was without having a running dialogue inside her head.  But her presence also reminded Sam of what she was here to do.

“Please,” Sam said, “don’t….”  His touch and surprising openness were only making this harder to do.

She took a few steps back from him, trying to create safe distance between them.  He looked surprised and slightly hurt at her withdrawal, but Sam had no room to feel bad.

“I just wanted you to know that I’m okay,” she finally managed to say.  Shaking her head, she said, “But…I can’t….”  Her voice failed her.

Jack’s face showed confusion.

Sam took another small step back.  “I’m not going back,” she said with more firmness than she felt.

“Not going…Carter, what in the world are you talking about?” 

“My father is still out there, somewhere, and the rebel Tok’ra.  They have to be stopped.”

Jack nodded.  “Of course, Carter.  We’re going to keep looking.  You can do all that from the SGC.”

Sam couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled from her lips.  “Can I?” she asked, rubbing absently at her still shaking limbs.  “Last time I checked I was relieved of duty for psychological imbalance.  And now I’ve been compromised by weeks of enemy…captivity.  They won’t let me near this, you know that.”

He knew she was speaking the truth, she could tell the way he sighed tiredly.  “Maybe,” he finally admitted, “but we can work that out.  It’s no reason not to come home.”

Sam had to look away from him then, trying to find the words to explain the choice she had made.  She could feel his eyes on her still, analyzing her every gesture, every pause.

“Carter,” Jack said.  “There’s something you’re not telling me.”

Sam took a deep breath and decided it was now or never.  “If I go back they won’t let me leave.  They won’t trust us.  And we can’t stop until we find him.”

Jack stood still for a moment, his face blank.  He may well like to pretend to be slow, but Sam knew better.  She knew that under that vacant stare he was rapidly processing her use of ‘we.’  His eyes hardened. “We?” he asked, not bothering to hide his disgust.

Sam flinched and closed her eyes.  ‘I’m sorry, Selmak.  He doesn’t….’

‘Shh…Samantha.  Though it saddens me, he has every right to feel that way.  You were no different in the beginning.’

Sam sighed.  “I know.”

Opening her eyes she could see Jack staring at her, her one-sided comment confirming his worst fears.  “Jesus, Carter,” he said. “After everything that has happened, how the hell could you let one of them do that?  How can you let one of them inside you?”

“It’s Selmak,” Sam said.  “I couldn’t let her die.”

Jack paced back and forth in front of her, his anger evident in every erratic motion.  “How could you be sure?  Hell, she could be in on this with them for all we know!”

Now Sam began to feel the first tendrils of anger.  She knew they had both had horrible experiences with the Tok’ra.  What Kanan had done was unforgivable, but this was Selmak they were talking about.

“She’s family,” Sam said with only a thread of anger audible in her voice.  
     
Jack stopped pacing and met her eyes for the first time since he realized what she had become.  For a moment, his face cleared.  “Yeah, I guess she is.”

Sam felt her shoulders relax, finally allowing herself to believe that maybe, just maybe, he could find it in himself to understand.

“What if we never find Jacob?” Jack asked, now studiously looking at his feet.  “What if he’s already dead?”

Sam felt like he had just slapped her in the face; they were questions she refused to even entertain.

“Are you prepared to stay with Selmak forever?” he pressed on.  “To run off and become a Tok’ra?”

Honestly, it was something Sam hadn’t allowed herself to think about.  It was a choice she wasn’t willing to make, not right now.  “I…I don’t know.”

He raised his eyes to look at her, his gaze haunted once more, and she finally realized why he was so angry.  It wasn’t just the risk she had put herself in or that she wasn’t going back to the SGC.  In the end, it was the fact that staying with Selmak meant that she was choosing the Tok’ra over the SGC.

That maybe she was just running away again.

Her choice here today could be the end of everything, not just SG-1.  Because he could never accept her as a Tok’ra, no matter how hard he tried.  And Sam could never abandon Selmak to death if she could offer a different way. 

If they were unable to find Jacob…  There were just too many unforgivable things that would stand between them like an impenetrable iris.

Jack watched her closely and she was sure that he could see the heartbreak in her eyes.  “I’m sorry,” she said.

“Yeah.  Me, too,” he said in a low voice, some of his bitterness leaking out.  All the Tok’ra ever seemed to do was take things from him.

He turned his back on her and walked a few steps towards the Stargate.  He stood motionless on the lowest step.  “Good luck, Carter.  I hope you find what you’re looking for.” 

The words were cold and empty and cut her to the core.  And she couldn’t help but think of other words spoken in that voice.  _I always knew she didn’t have what it took_.

That hadn’t really been Jack, only a hallucination.  And this hard mask and equally cold words weren’t him either.

But she had been dead.  And she wasn’t stupid enough not to know what that meant.  What it would have meant to her if their positions had been switched.

So she did the only thing she could to make it all right, or at least slightly better.

“Jack,” she called out, taking the step even though it terrified her.

He turned around, his face betraying just a moment of surprise at hearing his name fall from her lips before the mask slipped back in place.

She remembered him standing with her in the elevator, that last time she had seen him.  His careful words and subliminal support.

“I know it feels like I’m walking away again,” Sam said, “but I’m not.”

Jack didn’t seem to react other than a small clenching of his jaw, his cheek flexing under the effort of keeping his feelings contained.  Anyone other than Sam might not have even noticed.

“So much has happened…,” Sam continued, unaware that her feet were slowly moving her towards him, “and I’m…terrified.  But I’m not quitting.  I need you to know that I’m not quitting, not again.”

Jack must have moved a few steps towards her as well, because the next thing she knew, they stood within easy reach of each other.  He was looking carefully at her, his brow creased with what might be concern as he processed her words.

“You don’t have anything to prove, Carter,” he said.

Sam swallowed hard and nodded.  “I think maybe I do.”

 “Not to me,” he replied.

She shouldn’t have needed to hear him say it, but she was absurdly glad to hear it nonetheless.  Not that it changed anything.  She bit her lower lip, worrying it gently for a moment.  “I need to prove it to _me_.”

Jack’s face softened in understanding and after another long moment of him observing her, he nodded slowly.  “Okay,” he said simply.

Sam knew she didn’t need his permission anymore, but she was grateful that he understood and that he trusted her enough to know what she needed.  She smiled at him as brightly as she could and took a deep breath, knowing the first hurdle had been jumped.

“You’d better get back…,” Sam said, gesturing at the still open wormhole behind him.

He glanced back at it and shrugged.  “Yeah.”

But he still made no move to leave, looking slightly uncertain.

“Thank you,” Sam said.

Jack just waved away her thanks and finally pushed himself into motion, starting up the steps.  He hesitated at the top most one, however, and turned back to her.  “Carter?” he asked, waiting for her to look at him.  “I….”  But he apparently changed his mind, because he shook his head and grinned self-consciously at her.

Sam felt her throat go dry as she recognized that look on his face.  The one that said he was about to say something he knew he shouldn’t but was going to anyway.  Normally Sam would back away from that look as she knew it was her responsibility to, but instead something made her take one step forward.  “Yes?” she prompted.

But Jack seemed to have lost his nerve.  “Never mind,” he said, turning back to the wormhole.

Sam was up the steps before she even thought about it, her hand on his arm pulling him back around.  She didn’t say anything, just met his eyes and was surprised to see soft sincerity and more than a little fear in them.

“It’s just… I thought you…,” Jack said in a low, rough voice.

He didn’t need to finish.  Sam knew what he’d thought.  He’d thought her dead, lost.  And even this limited glimpse of his grief was enough for her to understand.

Sam’s hand reached for his face before she could even think about it, or wonder at her newfound nerve.  She stopped just short of actually feeling his skin, realizing what she was doing.  But before she could pull back, his hand wrapped around hers, refusing to let her increase the distance between them.

Sam felt a bit dizzy being this close to him after so long and before she could step back away to a respectable distance, Jack surprised them both by leaning in and kissing her.

It was barely more than a quick brush of his lips over hers and Sam had no time to do more than stand ramrod straight in complete surprise.

It ended as quickly as it had started and Jack backed away with a sort of deer in the headlights glare to his eyes that might have made Sam laugh under any other circumstance.

Then he was talking rapidly, something about just making sure she wasn’t going to turn into a frog and then Sam could barely register him apologizing.  All she knew in that moment, though, was that she couldn’t stand to hear him say he was sorry for it.  That he might regret the first moment of true honesty between them in as long as she could remember.  So she did the surest thing to stop him talking.  She stepped up to him and kissed him right back.

The kiss started out gentle, almost hesitant, but quickly evolved into something much more dangerous as Jack’s shock at what she had done melted away.  Soon he was kissing her almost desperately and Sam clung helplessly to his shoulders, meeting his lips with matching intensity. 

The smell and taste of Jack O’Neill invaded her every sense, nearly overwhelming her. She dimly registered her fingers tangling in his hair, pulling him even tighter against her body.  And in the distance was the feel of one of his hands at her waist and the breathless flash of his fingers on her bare flesh.

All thoughts of it being wrong or inappropriate dropped away and all Sam knew in that moment was that she never wanted this feeling to end.

In the next instant, however, a loud crackle of static followed by Teal’c’s deep voice rudely interrupted the moment.  
 _  
“O’Neill.  Are you there_?”

Sam could feel Jack’s body tense under her fingers, which she only now realized had slid up the back of his shirt.  She quickly withdrew her hands and moved to step back, but Jack held her tightly in place for a moment, his breath harsh against her neck.  His hands squeezed her waist once briefly and then he let her go, reaching for the radio nestled in his vest.

“I’m fine,” Jack said into the radio, his breath oddly even.  “Just gimme a minute.”

He didn’t wait for Teal’c’s reply; he just turned the volume of the radio down and turned back to Sam.

Sam, meanwhile, was staring avidly at the offending radio, only now really registering what they had done.  Or what they might have done if they hadn’t been interrupted.

Jack didn’t reach for her again, but she could feel his eyes on her, willing her to look up at him.  The silence stretched long between them and Sam continued to stare at a spot on his chest and hold her hand up to her lips in disbelief.

“Carter,” Jack said in a low, tentative voice.

Sam briefly wondered when that name had come to mean so much more than simply a way to create distance between them.  When had it become almost….intimate?

Still staring at his chest, Sam took a deep steadying breath.  “I _have_ to do this,” she said, as much to remind herself as Jack.

Jack let out a deep breath.  “Jacob,” he murmured.

Sam nodded her head distractedly, forcing herself to clear her head and focus on the real purpose of this meeting again.  “Yes.  Selmak thinks that if we can find Egeria’s Legacy, we’ll find him.  It may be the only chance.”

“I’ll come with you,” Jack said without hesitation.

Sam sucked in her breath, finally looking up to meet his eyes.  He looked so solid, standing there, just as she had pictured him in the last weeks.  Strong, capable, someone she could put all her faith in.

 _You miss him._

Selmak’s words echoed in her ears.  Watching him now, with the feel of his lips still warm on hers, she could easily accept the admission.  She did miss him.  A lot.  And maybe not even for all the wrong reasons.  She wasn’t sure.

But she desperately needed to be sure.  Which is why she had to do this alone. 

Sam shook her head, taking another step away from Jack, even though it felt like leaving some part of herself behind.

She could see him flinch at the movement and watched as his eyes began to shutter themselves again.  But this wasn’t about denying what had just happened between them.  For once it was about something so much more.  Sam reached out one hand to him, trying to find the right words.

“I _need_ to do this,” she said by way of justification.  “I need….”  But she broke off, uncertain how to make him understand. 

Jack opened his mouth and Sam could tell from the stubborn glint in his eye that he wasn’t going to let this go easily.

“Trust me,” Sam said simply and Jack closed his mouth with a snap.

Jack searched her eyes for long moments before nodding slowly, accepting her terms.  He might not like it, but he could accept it.  He had always understood her better than anyone else in the universe. 

Of course he understood.

Sam felt the unwelcome prick of tears and blinked them back rapidly. “Besides,” she said with a small forced smile, “one of us AWOL at a time is more than enough.”

Jack’s mouth quirked into a half smile at her attempted levity.  But then his hands were tight on her shoulders, his face serious once more.  “Swear to me that you’ll come back.  Because so help me, if you get yourself killed…”

Sam felt her heart pound against her chest and she fought against the lump rising in her throat.  “I promise.”

They stood there staring at each other for a long moment, and Sam felt the undeniable urge to step back into his arms.  Maybe he saw something of that in her eyes because he squeezed her shoulders briefly and then stepped back from her, his hands reluctantly falling back to his sides.  He slowly removed his pack, his P-90 and zat and placed them on the platform.  Pressing his radio into her hands he said, “For when you’re ready to come home.  If you ever need anything…”

Sam nodded.  “I’ll leave messages with Melosha, to let you know I’m okay,” she pledged, hugging the radio into her chest.  She trusted that Jack would be able to find a way back here, even if the SGC was bound to declare her AWOL and a criminal for the decision she was making here today.

Jack looked like he wanted to reach for her again, but instead he gave her a crooked grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes and backed slowly into the Stargate, his eyes never leaving hers.

Sam watched the silent gate long after the wormhole blinked out, consumed by the heavy feeling that there was no turning back.[  
](http://annerbhp.livejournal.com/5839.html)


	7. The Dreaming

The familiar rush slowly left Jack’s body as his molecules quietly realigned, leaving him staring at an inactive Stargate.  For a moment he was almost overwhelmed by the impulse to demand that the gate be dialed back up immediately so he could charge after Sam.  But he couldn’t do that, even if he had done the one thing he swore he’d never do.  He’d left her out there alone.

Not alone, he reminded himself quickly.  She was with Selmak, at least.  Blended, his mind supplied and Jack had to resist the urge to shudder with horror at the thought of a symbiote twining its way around Sam’s spine.  But no matter what Jack really felt for the Tok’ra at large, Selmak was someone to be trusted above all others.  He knew that.

If Jack was honest, though, it hadn’t been Selmak that had clinched it for him.  He’d known he would leave Sam to find Keren on her own the second he had looked in her eyes and seen what he hadn’t even realized was missing: a spark.  The last time he had seen her, the day he relieved her of duty, there had just been something dead about her, like she had completely lost her nerve, everything that made her Carter.

Since then she had been kidnapped by a snake hiding in her father’s body, taken a symbiote herself, and been tortured along the way.  But beyond all that, he had seen a glimmer of who she used to be.  She seemed to think she needed a chance to do this on her own, and he thought she might be right.  Maybe it was time Sam Carter was given a chance to truly realize her own strength.  Something she couldn’t do under the shadow of her commanding officer.

That was what finally made him step away from her in the end, still blown away by the feel of her lips against his, by the vortex of emotions it had released.  Because beyond all that, he knew she needed this.  If he ever wanted her back, as friend, subordinate or otherwise, he knew he had to let her go.

If anyone could do it, it was Sam Carter.  He had no doubt.

A hand roughly shaking his shoulder brought Jack out of his thoughts to find a concerned looking Daniel standing next to him on the ramp.

“Jack?” he questioned, squinting at Jack in concern.  “Are you alright?”

Jack glanced from Daniel to the Stargate one last time, realizing that Daniel must have been talking to him for the last few minutes with no response.

Jack gently clapped Daniel on the back and gave him a wry grin before turning away from the gate.

“O’Neill.  Why were you delayed?” Teal’c asked from beside a confused looking Hammond.

When Jack still didn’t answer, Hammond looked his 2IC over, finally asking, “And where is your kit, Colonel?”

Now Daniel and Teal’c were looking him over speculatively.

Jack took a deep breath and decided to just dive in.  “I gave it to Carter, sir.”

Hammond’s brow creased as if he wasn’t sure he had heard Jack right and Daniel’s mouth popped open.

“What?” Daniel finally managed to say.

Teal’c, unsurprisingly, was the one to get to the heart of the matter.  “Are you claiming to have seen Major Carter?”

Jack could feel Daniel’s hopeful gaze on him.  “Yes, Teal’c, that is exactly what I am saying.  And she seemed fine, all things considering.”

“But…wait…why…where is she?” Daniel said, looking back at the gate as if expecting her to appear all of a sudden.

Jack grimaced.  “There’s a bit of a complication, actually.”

Hammond finally found his voice to say, “You’re going to need to explain this, son.  Briefing room.  Now.”

Jack let Hammond lead him into the briefing room and told them all a nice, edited version of what had happened.  Edited because Sam needed Jack to stay mobile and be able to travel through the gate in case she needed him.  He couldn’t implement himself in her plan.  He had to make it sound like she went without his permission.  She would understand.  As for the other omissions…well that was nobody’s business but his own.  And after all, even _he_ wasn’t really sure what exactly had happened.

“So she claimed to be implanted with Selmak and refused to come back to the base,” Hammond summarized.

“Yes, sir,” Jack said.

“And you just let her go?”

Jack raised one eyebrow in amusement.  As if he just let Sam Carter do anything, let alone Sam Carter with an ancient symbiote in her head.

“I do not believe O’Neill could have restrained Major Carter, even if he wished to,” Teal’c observed.  “She will have the superhuman strength of a symbiote.”

Daniel, on Jack’s left, still looked a little shell-shocked, but hopeful.  “That would explain how she managed to escape the blast.”

“Even if that is true, there is no way to prove who may have taken up residence in Major Carter’s body,” Teal’c reminded him.  “It could have been one of the rebel Tok’ra or even a Goa’uld.”

“Maybe,” Daniel said, mulling it over, “but then why even bother contacting us?  She must have wanted to let us know she was okay.  Though, how she knew where we were going to be…”

“This is all very interesting, gentlemen,” Hammond interrupted, “but you are all working under one dubious assumption here.”

Jack felt dread twist in his stomach, having some idea of what was coming.

“What is that, General?” Daniel asked.

“That Colonel O’Neill did not imagine the whole thing,” Hammond answered.

Jack just barely managed to mask his wince.  “Sir…,” he began, trying to find a way to defend his sanity.

“Jack,” Hammond interrupted.  “I know the last few weeks have been hard on you…”

“Hard on all of us, I would imagine,” Jack input, daring a quick glance at Daniel and Teal’c. 

Hammond conceded the point, but would not be derailed.  “Why were you the only one she approached?” he argued.  “Seems a little convenient.”

Jack could tell that Daniel was finally registering that fact, too, looking a little put out.

“I don’t know, sir,” Jack said.  “Maybe because she is a sadistic piece of work and knew this would make me look crazy?”

Hammond couldn’t quite hold back a smile.  “Tell you what, Jack,” he bargained and Jack had a feeling he was not going to like this, “pay a visit to Drs. Fraiser and MacKenzie and we will revisit this.”

Jack dropped his head to the table in frustration.  Carter _so_ owed him for this.

*     *     *

The air of the stark desert was like a solid wall of heat as Sam stepped back through the gate.  Even after all this time, it never ceased to amaze Sam the way the gate could instantly transport her between such vastly differing climates.  The full set of kit she wore seemed bizarrely unfamiliar after her weeks away from Earth and sweat instantly began trailing down her back.

Sam automatically set out in the direction she knew the village to lay, but Selmak stopped her.

‘No, head east.’

Sam dubiously turned; registering that to the east was the looming mountain she had observed her first morning here.

‘It will take us most of the day to get there and we have little time left,’ Selmak explained.

‘What’s there?’ Sam asked cautiously.  There was just something menacing about the place, the way it was beautiful, harsh and imposing all at the same time.

‘It is the holy place of the Binghi, where their women hold the most sacred of their rituals.’

‘We’re not here for a cultural exchange, Selmak.’

‘No, but we do need to understand what Keren has stolen from you.  They have a way to help.’

Selmak’s words triggered something in Sam’s brain and she felt unease fill her stomach.  ‘That’s why you brought me here in the first place, isn’t it?’

Selmak didn’t answer right away and Sam dropped her kit roughly to the ground.  It seemed more than a little convenient that this placed housed some miraculous fix it all, when Selmak couldn’t even have been sure Sam would agree to this in the first place.  But Sam suddenly doubted convenience had anything to do with it. 

‘Why does it suddenly feel like you’ve been manipulating me from the start?’ Sam asked, anger burning just below the surface.

‘I don’t think of it as manipulation,’ Selmak replied in an annoyingly calm and guilt-free voice.  ‘More like practicality.  This is our way, Samantha.  It is the only thing that has kept us alive as a race.’

‘What, being heartless?  Using people with no regard for what is right?’

‘And what is _right_?’ Selmak snapped, a little of her placidity leaking away.  ‘Is it really so easy?  We have been fighting this war against our own kind, against what is an undeniable part of us, for endless millennia.  Do not pretend to understand what that means and do not presume to judge us.’

Sam felt a bit like she had been slapped down for being petty, but didn’t want to lose her material point.  ‘But your compassion should be what separates you from them, shouldn’t it?’

Selmak was quiet for a moment.  ‘And so it does, even if it does not seem that way to you.  Have I not given you ample opportunity to return home?  Is this not, in the end, your choice, not mine?  I could walk the path Keren chose, but I have not.  Instead, I put my future, my very well-being into your hands.  It is I, in the end, who has to put complete faith in you.’

No matter how much she didn’t like it, Selmak was right and Sam knew it.  But she just couldn’t stand the feeling that she was being maneuvered, being pushed down a path that was not her own choosing.  Freewill was just too important to Sam and everything about this made her want to scream.  But Selmak was the one whose very life depended on Sam.  So maybe that had a little of that in common.  They were both trapped.

‘What do you want to know?’ Sam asked defeatedly.

‘That machine Keren used wasn’t a torture device.  The pain and damage to your brain were merely side effects.’

Somehow, that didn’t make Sam feel any better.

‘None of them were quite sure what it did or how, only that the technology could produce an engrammatic imprint of a subject’s mind.’

Engrams.  Memories.

For a moment Sam was swallowed once again by the swimming lights and faces flying by at breakneck speeds, each punctuated by stabbing, inescapable pain.

‘He never even asked me a question,’ Sam said as the chaos slowly drained away.  ‘If he’d wanted to know about something from my past…why not just ask me?’

Selmak quietly helped Sam regain her equilibrium before saying, ‘Because what he was looking for was a little more complex than that.’

Sam paused for a beat, her stomach lurching unpleasantly.  ‘So help me, if I hear the word Jolinar I am going to lose it.’

Selmak’s answering silence was all the confirmation Sam needed.

Sam dropped her head into her hands for a moment, rubbing absently at her temples.

 _Jolinar._

If only Sam had taken a sick day that fated morning.  She never would have been violated by Jolinar.  She never would have heard the word Tok’ra.  She wouldn’t be standing on a desert planet in the middle of nowhere about to get her head shrunk by tribal women in the shadow of an ominous mountain.

‘And Jacob, Colonel O’Neill and countless others would be dead,’ Selmak interjected. 

Sam shifted uneasily, knowing the truth of her words.  She knew those lives were worth her unpleasant experiences, but it didn’t keep part of her from hating Jolinar and everything she represented.

‘Questioning the past gets us nowhere,’ Selmak reminded Sam.

‘Apparently Keren disagrees with you,’ Sam remarked.  ‘I guess I just don’t understand why Keren would need anything from a long dead Tok’ra.  Anything Jolinar knew, you would all know, right?  As Egeria’s children?  Shouldn’t you all already know what Egeria’s Legacy is and where it’s kept?’

‘Yes and no,’ Selmak said.  ‘Genetic memory is a bit more complex than simply knowing everything experienced by all your forbearers.  You must know something of this.  There are generations upon generations of memories.  They cannot be simply turned to as if pages in a book.  Jolinar’s life is not an easy open thing to you, I think.  How much of her previous hosts can you recall?  What of Egeria, Jolinar’s mother?”

Sam shook her head.  ‘I always assumed that was because we never had a true blending.’

‘No,’ Selmak answered.  ‘It is always a bit…chaotic.  Add to this the fact that the Queen is able to control what information is passed on to her children.  Even if she does provide them with her entire life of experiences, they still cannot possibly be aware of what happens to her after their conception.’

‘Okay…so Egeria could control her children’s memories.  But she had friends, right?  People who knew her when she lived?  Shouldn’t they know what this Legacy thing is?’

‘It was many millennia ago, Samantha.  And there was not such thing as Tok’ra at the time.  We had no cohesion or central bases.  No structure.  We were still nothing more than a dream when Egeria was captured.  What she may have intended or shared with others, we have no idea.’

‘But you knew her,’ Sam stated with certainty.

‘No.  I never met her myself.’

‘Never?’ Sam asked.

‘In fact, I know of none still alive who ever have.’

‘Don’t tell me that Jolinar, of all people, knew her,’ Sam sighed with frustration.  ‘Let me guess.  They used to be best friends.’ 

‘No,’ Selmak reassured her, ‘nothing of the sort.  What we do know, and which Keren would have also been aware of, is that Jolinar shared a host with one of the oldest Tok’ra, one said to have been an acquaintance of Egeria herself.’

There was a long pause as Sam was torn between hysterical laughter and really bratty screaming.  This unraveling discussion felt more and more like some kind of a nightmare as each moment passed.

Sam took a deep breath.  ‘Let me get this straight.  I am the previous host of a Tok’ra whose first host, thousands of years ago, was previously a host to an ancient, possible friend of Egeria.”

Selmak was silent for a moment as if tracking the convoluted path. ‘Yes.’

‘That is the craziest thing I have ever heard.  And that’s saying a lot.’

Selmak made a low sound of amusement.  ‘Yes, I agree.  You can understand why we have never pursued this before.  But Petra’s children seem to lack that perception.’

‘So you can’t even be sure he actually found anything, or that there is anything to be found in the first place,’ Sam concluded.

‘That is correct.’

‘But on the off chance, I still get to have my brain scrambled again,’ Sam said with a sigh, turning reluctantly to the east and the hulking monolith in the distance.  “Lucky me.”

*     *     *

On some level, MacKenzie was aware that Jack was too smart for psychoanalysis, but he ignored it, just like Jack ignored the fact that he would never be anywhere near the doctor under any other circumstance.  They both participated in the song and dance, though, each aware that they were just going through the motions.  MacKenzie lobbed Jack softballs, and Jack answered exactly as he was supposed to.  Eventually MacKenzie signed off on him and Jack knew that the doctor was just as relieved to see him gone as he was to leave.

In some ways it was a relief to have a doctor, inept or not, that was predictable.

Janet was a different experience all together.  Her eyes were sharp where MacKenzie’s were indifferent.  And Jack couldn’t ignore the way her clinical duty intertwined with her desperate need for Jack to not be crazy.  She needed him to be right.

Jack wasn’t worried.  Needles and probing, naïve questions and psychobabble he could get through.  He could even handle Daniel’s endless litany of questions. 

Jack knew Sam was alive.

The only doubts came at night when he sat alone, staring at the ceiling.  He didn’t doubt that he had seen her, held her.  She was alive.  It was just the dark voice in the back of his mind that reminded him of how he had been fooled by Jacob.  How he had let a wolf in sheep’s clothing run around Earth and kidnap Sam.

 _How do you know that was really Selmak?_ the voice taunted.

 _Because Carter said so_ , Jack reiterated, not for the first time.  But he knew it was a weak answer.  How could he explain that he had just known?  In many ways the members of his team were like an extension of himself.  He could never be fooled, he was sure of it.  
 _  
She kissed you_ , whispered the voice of doubt. 

And that was the crux of the issue.  Would she really have done that?  Or had the snake been playing him, using buried feelings wrested away from the deep reaches of Sam’s mind?  Was his weakness finally coming back to bite him in the ass after all these years?

In the dark, alone in his bed, he just couldn’t quite be sure.

In the daylight, surrounded by the personnel of the SGC, Jack allowed the doubts no purchase.  He was too busy convincing everyone else. 

Three days after Jack had seen Sam, he stood with Janet in Hammond’s office, the last of the reports on Jack spread all over the General’s desk.

It was vaguely reassuring to have that much paperwork supporting his tenuous sanity.

“Alright.  I’m glad we are through this,” Hammond said, obviously finally accepting that Jack had seen Sam.

Jack could hear Janet release a long breath and he realized that she hadn’t let herself completely believe him either until this moment.

But Hammond didn’t look relieved or hopeful and Jack couldn’t help but suspect what was coming.

It didn’t make hearing it any easier.

“You understand, Colonel, that I have had to report Major Carter’s situation,” Hammond started.

“Yes, sir,” Jack replied, trying to ignore the confusion now radiating from Janet at the solemn heaviness of the room.

“I am afraid there is no way to confirm whether or not Major Carter has been blended with Selmak or a hostile enemy.”

Jack nodded.

“As such, we are ordered to take her into custody on sight, by any means.  If she truly is blended with Selmak, she is considered AWOL, and if not, she is to be treated as an enemy of the state.”

Janet looked like she wanted to protest, but Jack knew that none of this was in Hammond’s control anymore.

“Either way, Major Carter is considered a fugitive at large.”

It wasn’t unexpected, but it still felt like a heavy door was slamming shut somewhere.

Jack steadily met Hammond’s gaze.  “I understand, sir,” he said, knowing that Hammond was warning him as much as anything else.  
 _  
She’s not a member of your team anymore, Jack.  Don’t do anything stupid._

But Jack figured it was only stupid if he got caught.

*     *     *

For three days after arriving at the small village in the shadow of the mountain, Sam was given nothing to eat but a thin, strange tasting broth to drink.  The women slept while the sun was in the sky, and late into every night there was dancing and singing, each routine carefully performed to tell the creation tales of this ochre land.  In the trance of the fire and her gradually increasing hunger, Sam found she didn’t need Selmak’s translations to understand the meaning at the heart of the pounding music and eloquent gestures.  They were weaving a magical tale of birth and death and the primal powers of women.

At sunset on the third day, five elder women came to Sam’s hut.  They stripped Sam of her clothing and carefully anointed her skin with rich, musky oils.  They then spent many hours drawing delicate designs on her flesh.  Long, twining snakes, mystical unfamiliar animals and wide seeing eyes that in Sam’s increasingly incoherent state she vaguely recalled Selmak explaining were meant to be ‘windows into her soul.’

Some small part of Sam’s mind was still wide awake, pushing through the hunger and intoxicating smells.  That part was skeptically watching the entire procedure, wondering how drugging her was supposed to make any difference.  How was this supposed to help her remember what Keren had stolen from her?

‘It will hopefully allow your consciousness to give way long enough for your subconscious mind to take over,’ Selmak offered as if from a great distance.  ‘The vision quest should allow you to meet a manifestation of your subconscious, a guide of sorts, that can lead you through your memories at a safe distance.’

‘You’ve done this yourself,’ Sam realized.

‘Saroosh,’ Selmak replied.  ‘She had a great and abiding love for these people and their ways.’

Even after five years, Selmak’s grief for her former host was still strong and in Sam’s weakened state she felt like she might drown in it.

‘I am sorry,’ Selmak said, suppressing the emotion, ‘but this is precisely why I will suppress myself while you undergo the ceremony.’

Sam didn’t find the idea of being completely alone particularly comforting.

The women eventually finished their ministrations and en masse lead Sam to the small dark opening at the base of the mountain.  She was given a thick, viscous fluid to drink, handed a small stone oil lamp and left on her own to enter the cavern.  Sam took one last deep breath of dry desert air and stepped into the blackness. 

Less than fifty feet into the cave, the small passageway had curved and wound its way around until Sam could no longer make out the entrance.  The walls seemed to dance eerily in the flickering light of the rudimentary lamp and Sam ruthlessly pushed back any wandering thoughts of Goa’uld tunnels and menacing predators.

After about fifteen minutes of careful walking, Sam was seriously beginning to feel the effects of the strange concoction.  Everything seemed softer, more alive.  Even the hard stone walls seemed to breathe.  The small passageway opened up without warning, revealing a tall open cavern.  At the center of the room a greenish pool of water glistened, moisture dripping rhythmically from the ceiling.  The remains of a fire pit sat off to one side.

Sam lifted her lamp as she crossed over to the edge of the pool and gasped as the light caught the surface of the grotto.  Hundreds of images graced the walls.  Handprints, animals, strange writing and abstract drawings.  Marks left by countless generations of women who had entered here before.

A sudden wave of dizziness caught Sam off guard and she nearly stumbled.   She carefully set down the lamp to one side and kneeled down at the edge of the water.  She gazed down at her own reflection.

“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” she whispered out loud. 

The only answer was her own voice echoing eerily back as if a record playing on too low a speed.

Sam closed her eyes and lowered her head to the rocky floor.

*     *     *

 _Sam is standing in a field, cool green grass sliding between her toes.  Soft sun filters down on her through thick trees, creating a kaleidoscope of colors and shapes on her skin as she slowly turns in place._

 _Everything is just so beautiful.  It’s easy to forget the feel of fresh air sliding over bare skin like a lover’s caress, but here in this beautiful place it surrounds her.  She thinks there is something she is supposed to be doing, but she is just too content to care._

 _Sam’s bare toe suddenly makes contact with something solid and she trips, falling to the ground with a hard thump.  The ground beneath her is no longer soft grass, but rough gravel and lying next to her is the object she tripped over.  The still, staring body of a super soldier._

 _Sam gasps soundlessly and scrambles away, pushing clumsily through the gravel, each small stone ripping into the heels of her hands.  She eventually pushes to her feet and in the distance she can just make out Teal’c and Jack standing with their back to her.  Sam’s legs push into motion and she rushes towards them.  They step apart as she reaches them and it is only then she registers that they are standing over something sprawled on the ground._

 _It’s Sam._

 _She’s wearing frayed, ripped BDUs and where her chest should be is a ragged hole.  Her face is stunned and staring, frozen mid-expression, the mouth hanging grotesquely open as if in shock._

 _Sam begins to back away from the body, but Jack’s fingers painfully digging into her shoulder stop her._

 _“Isn’t this what you want?” he hisses, dragging her forward so that she nearly stumbles over the body._

 _Sam shakes her head, trying to pry herself out of his grip.  Then the dead Sam suddenly moves, just her eyes jerking sideways to latch onto Sam’s._

 _“It was just easier,” the body explains._

 _“Easier than what?” Sam chokes out._

 _“Than dealing with them.”_

 _The body’s eyes dart past Sam and she slowly turns with dread rising in her throat, nearly choking her._

 _She is standing alone in a field of bodies._

 _Every person she has killed.  Every person she has lost.  Every life she has failed to save._

 _She is running, tripping, the bodies tangling with her feet.  Martouf, Jonas, nameless Tollan, Jaffa and humans.  She’s had a hand in each of them.  She sees a flash of familiar blond hair, catches a whiff of long forgotten perfume and veers wildly left, stumbling to a halt in front of Janet._

 _“No,” Sam mumbles, falling to her knees next to her friend.  “You’re not dead.”_

 _“Not yet,” comes a voice from beside her and it’s Hammond, his chest a bloody mess, oxygen mask obscuring his face._

 _Beyond him she can see countless other familiar faces.  Cassie, Teal’c, Pete, Daniel, Siler, Jack._

 _And Sam is completely still.  She finds it easier not to move, hoping that maybe she can just lie down with the rest of them.  That maybe she can just stop being all together._

 _The muddied ground sucks at her knees and she feels rooted, stuck.  A familiar feeling._

 _“You’re not stuck,” comes a soft voice from next to Sam.  “You’re just standing still.”_

 _Sam looks up to see the Other Sam standing calmly over her.  The one from her hallucinations.  The one that haunts her dreams with indecipherable words.  Her hand is gently outstretched, offered palm up to Sam._

 _Sam hesitates and the Other simply smiles.  “Come, I have something to show you.”_

 _Sam spares one last glance for the panorama of flesh around her before grasping onto the offered hand like a lifeline.  The hand is warm and solid and pulls Sam to her feet, leading her towards the circling, seemingly impenetrable trees surrounding the open battle ground._

 _They reach the edge of the forest and it seems to Sam that there is no space between the towering trees, their thick trunks nearly overlapping.  But her guide simply steps through, tugging Sam along with her._

 _It seems impossible._

 _“Trust me.”_

 _Sam takes a deep breath and allows herself to be pulled into the darkness.  Brittle leaves cushion her feet and spindly, leafless branches pull at her clothing, scratching her skin._

 _More than once she stumbles, but her guide is always there, ready to shoulder Sam’s weight and move them ever forward._

 _Ten more steps and they reach the mouth of a dark cave.  Sam wants to pull back, but the other won’t let her.  The darkness threatens to swallow them both whole.  And just as Sam is sure she can’t take another step everything suddenly changes, and they are standing in a cool green meadow once more._

 _In the middle of the open meadow is a stone altar with a large black tome resting atop it.  It is embossed in gold with abstract designs that Sam finds vaguely familiar._

 _Gingerly, Sam reaches out and lifts open the heavy cover of the book.  Each page pulsates with hyper-realistic images, snap shots from her life. And from the lives of others.  Some images are rich with color and movement, others a mellow, ancient sepia.  Sam carefully flips through each page, the stack never growing smaller._

 _Then her guide reaches over and flips the book open to a page near the back.  It is an image of a woman with long ginger hair and a smiling face.  Behind her the scenery seems to flicker brokenly.  One moment it is a green field, the next, the deep depths of the Pangaran temple.  Her prison._

 _The woman looks up out of the picture to Sam, her words echoing as if from a great distance._

 _‘Is leor nod don eolach.’_

 _And then a pendant resting carefully on her chest begins to pulsate with blue light._

 _“Egeria,” Sam whispers as she reaches out her hand to touch the surface of the picture.  The simple contact causes ripples to flow outward at ever increasing speeds until everything is encompassed in blue swelling light like the dancing mouth of a wormhole._

 _Sam feels the steady support of her guide’s hand fall away and she tumbles into the light._

Sam woke with a start, Egeria’s name still warm on her lips.  Her head pounded unforgivably and her throat felt like she had just been on a three day binge.  She pried her eyes open, surprised to feel a soft padded chair beneath her instead of the uneven, rocky floor of the cave.

Bright light assailed her eyes and she groaned softly, the room slowly coming into focus.

Above her hovered a strange contraption that she knew she should recognize.  And then a face leaned over her, eclipsing the light.

Keren.

A startled gasp rose in Sam’s throat, caught midway by her rising terror.  She tried to sit up with a jerk, but restraints cut into her skin in far too realistic a manner.  _This can’t be real_ , Sam thought desperately.  _It can’t all have just been…_

Keren stepped closer, one hand in her hair and cooing noises in his throat.

“Selmak!” Sam called out, tugging at the restraints with renewed vigor.

There was no answer.

Keren leaned in closer, his breath barely a whisper against her cheek.  “It isn’t what it seems,” he said.

From Sam’s lap, Schrödinger looked up at her, his tail calmly swaying.  “It never is,” he replied sagely.

Sam only had time to wonder if this was a little like what Alice must have felt before darkness claimed her once more.

*     *     *

Consciousness slowly asserted itself, at first nothing more than casual awareness of dripping water and cool darkness.  After long moments of staring sightlessly, Sam finally registered the feel of uneven rock under her back, her eyes focusing on the craggy ceiling arching wide above her.  She couldn’t be sure how much timed passed as she lay there, processing what she had seen, and convincing herself of the reality of her present situation.

Sam could feel Selmak beginning to stir in the back of her mind and still she remained motionless.  She couldn’t really explain what had just happened to her.  She had no logical scientific explanations.  She could perhaps write off the whole experience as drug induced nonsense, but she couldn’t ignore the fact that she somehow felt different now.

‘It is hard for you to accept that these primitive peoples might have access to something powerful, something that can succeed where technology cannot,’ Selmak observed.

‘No…,’ Sam said, struggling to put her chaotic thoughts into words.  ‘That’s not it at all.  It’s just…very foreign to me.  There is a lot to process.’  
 _  
You’re not stuck, you’re just standing still._

Sam lifted her body off the rocky floor and walked straight into the pool of cool water.  It was deep enough to cover her to her waist and she took a deep breath before plunging beneath the surface.  The water cleared her head and washed away the musky oil that made her mind fuzzy.

Once clean, Sam stepped out of the water, kneeling by the fire ring at the pool’s edge.  She pushed her fingers into the soft ash, sifting gently through until she found a small chunk of charred wood.  Moving to the nearest wall, she pressed the stick against the surface, drawing a large oval shape.  Egeria’s pendant.

“ _Is leor nod don eolach_ ,” Sam whispered out loud, her tongue tripping over the unfamiliar consonants.

‘It is not a language I am familiar with,’ Selmak offered.

Sam sat back and observed her artwork for a moment before calmly rinsing her fingertips in the water and picking up her small stone lamp.

“I think I know someone who is.”

And then she started the long path back up to the surface.


	8. Footwork

The briefing room was completely silent except for the irregular, but persistent tapping of Jack's pen against his mission briefing.

 _Tap...tap...tap._

It was irritating as hell and Daniel had to wonder if it was simply Jack's way of celebrating that he had finally been cleared for off world missions again.  Teal'c was as stoically unaffected as he always was, but Daniel suspected he had simply slipped into a low level of kelnoreem out of self-defense. 

 _Tap tap...tap._

Santos hadn't quite yet developed a mechanism to deal with Jack's bouts of 'high spirits' and Daniel saw how the Captain's eyes followed the pen's movement with sick fascination, suppressing a flinch with each impact.  At times like these, he probably wished assaulting a superior officer wasn't frowned upon by the Air Force.

 _Tap...taptap...tap._

Luckily Daniel had no such compunctions.  He was about to circumspectly nail Jack in the shins when Hammond finally reappeared in the briefing room.  Jack dropped the pen to the table and Daniel almost sighed with relief.

"We just received a message from the Land of Light," Hammond explained as he took his seat.

Daniel looked up in surprise, irritation instantly forgotten.  Even though the SGC often provided off-world allies with basic communication devices, they rarely used them except in cases of emergency.

"Do they require our assistance?" Teal'c inquired.

Hammond shook his head.  "No."  He looked down at a slip of paper in his hand.  " _Thank you so much for visiting us.  We hope to see you again before too long.  Our gratitude for our salvation is without limit_."

"That's...strange," Daniel said and he could see that Hammond looked slightly suspicious as well and seemed to be watching Jack's reaction closely.

But Jack didn't react other than to shrug.  "To be honest, sir," he directed to Hammond, "I think Melosha's got a bit of a thing for Daniel."

A distinct snicker came from Santos' end of the table.  Daniel rolled his eyes.  God save them all from Captains that appreciate Jack's humor.

Jack smirked, seemingly completely unaffected by the withering glare Daniel was now treating him to.

Hammond shook his head in amused annoyance, a particular reaction he seemed to reserve specifically for his wayward 2IC.  "Let's continue with the briefing, gentlemen."

And so the topic of the strange message was dropped.  But Daniel didn't forget it.

*     *     *

Jack gratefully closed the door to his office behind him, resting back against it for a moment.  To be honest, he wasn't quite sure how he had managed to sit through the rest of that meeting.  His mind was going at a furious pace, completely at odds with the slightly bored look he had hoisted on his face.

The message from the Land of Light had come quicker than he expected.  Luckily SG-1 was already scheduled for an off-world mission the next morning at 0800.  It should be easy enough to slip away from the others long enough to circle back to the gate.

Easy?  Hell, who was he kidding? Impossible, more like.  Especially with Daniel the nose hanging around.  Not to mention Santos, who was honor bound to report any rule breaking.  Jack wouldn't be surprised if the suspicious Hammond had asked Santos to keep a close eye on him.

As if summoned by his thoughts, there was a sharp knock at the door, causing Jack to jump.  When Jack didn't answer right away, Daniel's voice could be clearly heard through the door.

"Jack?  I know you're in there.  Let me in!"

Jack sighed resignedly before pulling the door open, looking as nonchalant as he could manage.

"What's up, Daniel?"

Daniel treated Jack to a particular disbelieving glance that translated into 'don't BS me Jack, I'm not stupid.'

"What was that message from Melosha really about?" Daniel asked, settling himself down on Jack's chair and crossing his arms stubbornly.

Jack sighed and closed the door to his office once more.  He sat down behind his desk and shrugged.  "I don't know, Daniel, you're the cultural expert, why don't you tell me?"

Daniel leaned forward in his chair, refusing to rise to Jack's bait.  "I think it was a message from Sam."

"I think that's a bit of a stretch," Jack replied.

"Is it?" Daniel countered.

When Jack made no move to answer, Daniel pushed to his feet and began pacing the small office.  "Alright, Jack, that's it.  You need to tell me what's really going on.  Because I don't care what Sam might have said to you on that planet, you would have zatted her yourself and dragged her back here if you didn't have good reason to think she was safe."

"Daniel, just leave it alone," Jack warned, a little disconcerted, but not surprised, by how close Daniel was getting to the truth.

"Leave it alone?  This is *Sam* we're talking about!  And you obviously know more than you are letting on to Hammond."

"What I *know*, Daniel, is that before this is all done, the shit is seriously going to hit the fan.  So do me a favor and stay the hell out of it," Jack snapped, angry that Daniel had managed to get him to admit more than he wanted.

Daniel collapsed back in his chair, all anger draining away from his face.  "You let her go," he said in understanding.

Jack rubbed a tired hand over his face in defeat.  "Yes," he admitted.

"Why?"

And that was really the crux of the issue.  What had compelled Jack to risk Sam's life and his own career? 

"Because she asked me to," Jack said.

Jack could see that the now silent Daniel was now running through a million scenarios, fitting all the pieces together like a giant jigsaw puzzle.  Jack tried to ignore how reassuring that was.

"And now she probably needs help, which explains the message," Daniel concluded.

Jack shrugged.  "She said she would leave updates with Melosha, to let me know she was okay."

"But Hammond has ordered you to detain her...," Daniel said.

Jack met Daniel's eyes across the room.  "It doesn't matter."

But Daniel was pretty sure it did.

*     *     *

They were an hour's hike in from the gate the next morning when Jack decided it was time to make his excuses and double back.  He stopped to tie his shoes, but the moment he decided to open his mouth, Daniel sighed dramatically.

"Don't be mad, Jack...," Daniel said somewhat nervously.

But since Jack hadn't heard Daniel use that particular tone in at least five years, he had a pretty good idea what the archaeologist was up to.  "Daniel," he said warningly, not unaware that Captain Santos was watching the exchange avidly.

Daniel's face took on a charmingly sheepish expression and Jack had to wonder exactly when he had become so savvy at manipulation.  "I'm sorry; I just don't know where my head is today.  I can't believe I left my digital camera by the MALP."

Jack's face remained stonily impenetrable.

"I'll just run back to the gate and get it," he continued and Jack half expected him to trip over his own shoelaces just to make the hapless archaeologist image complete.

Santos stepped forward at this point.  "I can run back with him, sir.  It shouldn't take us too long."

Jack wanted to laugh when he realized that Santos was trying to deflect Jack's supposed anger at Daniel's forgetfulness.

"That will not be necessary, Captain Santos," Teal'c said.  "I will accompany Daniel Jackson to the gate."

 _E tu_ , Teal'c?

Jack wasn't stupid.  He was being shanghaied by his own team who thought they were somehow protecting him from breaking Hammond's direct orders.  Neither of them were military, something they had taken advantage of over and over again.  Jack hadn't wanted to involve them this time, but he should have known better. 

"Well played, Dr. Jackson," Jack mumbled.

"What was that, sir?" Santos asked.

Jack shook his head.  "Nothing."  He pushed back to his feet and brushed off his pants.  "Daniel and Teal'c will head back to the gate.  Santos and I will scout the ridgeline.  We meet back here in three hours.  I want regular radio checks."

Daniel and Teal'c were gone before he even finished.

Santos stared after their retreating backs, a contemplative look to his face that made Jack nervous.  "It seems very unlike Dr. Jackson to be so forgetful," Santos observed.

"He has his moments," Jack said.

Santos just raised one disbelieving eyebrow and said, "Huh."

"You got something to say, Captain?" Jack asked, putting on his best hard-ass face.  The last thing they needed was someone getting curious.

But Santos just unflinchingly stared back at Jack for a long moment, before he said very clearly, "No, sir.  I have absolutely nothing to say."  Then he gave Jack a half smile and started up the hill.

And Jack was left to wonder why he always got saddled with young Captains that were entirely too smart for their own good.

*     *     *

By unspoken agreement, Daniel stepped through the wormhole, leaving Teal'c behind to watch the gate and answer any queries through the radio.

The landscape on the other side was just as Daniel remembered it, eerily dark and silent.    He took a few uncertain steps down the path, not really sure what to expect.  Then off to the left, Sam magically materialized out of the trees.

"Daniel," she said in greeting.

Daniel knew he was staring, but he couldn't help himself.  She was actually there, standing just a few paces away.  When he didn't acknowledge her, he saw her eyes dart past him towards the gate.

"I wouldn't let Jack come," Daniel finally said, mildly stung by the gesture.  "Hammond's given orders to bring you in...by any means necessary."

Something flashed across Sam's face, but it was quickly hidden.  "Not unexpected," she said.

Daniel took another cautious step towards her.  "Have you really...been blended?"

Sam's head dropped and a moment later, Selmak was speaking.  "Hello, Dr. Jackson."

"Selmak," Daniel acknowledged, more than a little disconcerted to hear that voice coming from Sam.

"It is most auspicious that you have come, we are in need of your help," Selmak said.  Daniel got the strange feeling that she understood his discomfort in the face of Sam's distanced behavior.

"Anything you need," Daniel said.

Selmak nodded before her head dropped once more and he was speaking to Sam.  "It's a long story, but we are trying to find the location of Egeria's Legacy.  All we have to go on is a fragment of a memory from thousands of years ago.  She said something, but neither of us understand the language."

Daniel nodded, tamping down on the millions of questions he wanted to ask.  "Let's hear it."

" _Is leor nod don eolach_."

Daniel had Sam repeat the phrase a couple more times, scribbling down various spellings of the phrase.  "Sounds...Gaelic," he observed.

Sam looked expectantly at him and Daniel shrugged apologetically.  "Sorry, not one of my strongest languages.  But it shouldn't be too difficult to figure out."

Sam nodded in understanding and pulled out a small sheet of paper.  "There's also this."

The paper was covered in a rather rudimentary drawing of an oval pendant.  Daniel felt a smile spread across his face.  "Did you draw this?"

"Yes," Sam said archly.

"Maybe you should stick to stick figures, Sam," Daniel teased before he could stop himself.

For a moment, Daniel thought Sam was going to smile, but instead her face became very serious.

Daniel reached out one hand to her shoulder.  "Sam?"

Sam stared at the hand on her arm for long moments.  Just when Daniel was sure she was going to shrug him off, she turned to him bright eyes.  "I've really missed you, Daniel," she said, so softly that he almost missed it.

It was easy to pull her into his arms.  "Me too, Sam. Me too."

They stepped apart after long moments.  Daniel gently touched Sam's face.  "I'm just glad you're okay," he said.

Sam looked away, and when she met his eyes again, there was something indefinable in them.  "I'm not yet," she said.  "But I think I will be."

She turned her attention back to the drawing, her face blank once more, and Daniel finally understood that her distant attitude was simply her way of holding on.  Of seeing this task through.

"So tell me about the drawing," Daniel said and Sam looked relieved to be getting back to the issue at hand.

"It was Egeria's.  It's a silvery looking metal with a blue stone at the center.  Somehow, I think it's the key to what we're looking for."

"It doesn't look familiar," Daniel said, "but if it was Egeria's it might have ended up on Pangar.  I'm still going over the museum's catalogs, trying to figure out what the rebel Tok'ra wanted there."

"Of course," Sam exclaimed.  "They must have been looking for artifacts associated with Egeria!  We have to know if they got it."

Daniel nodded.  "It shouldn't be too hard for me to set up a trip there.  I've been going back and forth the last few weeks."

Sam's face became unreadable once more and she sighed.  "I hate putting you in this position, Daniel.  I don't want to get any of you in trouble."

"Don't be stupid, Sam," Daniel said.  "We're a team, we always will be.  And heck, I'm a civilian, what are they going to do?  Fire the foremost expert on Goa'uld?  I don't think so."

When Sam still looked uncertain, he took her hand.  "I even promise to keep Jack from breaking too many rules. Though, no promises about Teal'c.  You know how he gets."

At that, Sam did smile.  "Thanks, Daniel."  She handed him another slip of paper.  "When you have any information, send it to this planet.  It won't take long for someone to order Hammond to keep this spot under surveillance; it's probably smarter to mix it up."

Daniel nodded, knowing it was a good idea.  "I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Sam stood close to him as he dialed the gate back up to rejoin the rest of SG-1.  "How's Santos doing?" she asked, seemingly out of the blue.

Daniel looked at her in surprise.  "He's not you," he replied as the wormhole flushed into existence.

Sam smiled gently at the automatic response.  "But he's doing well?" she pressed.

Daniel shrugged.  "Yeah.  He's sharp.  And he doesn't let Jack bully him."

"Good," Sam said. 

"Sam," Daniel said.  "You *are* coming home."  It was a statement more than a question, but Daniel was a little disconcerted by her query.

Sam smiled and squeezed Daniel's arm.  "Wild horses, Daniel.  Wild horses."

She stepped back away from the Stargate.  "I'll see you soon, Daniel," she said.

Daniel nodded and headed up the steps reluctantly.  "Take good care of her, Selmak."

Sam's eyes flashed briefly in response and then she was gone, Daniel tumbling through the event horizon.

*     *     *

The mission had uncovered some mildly interesting ruins that SG-1 recommended another short term research unit be assigned to.  But other than that, the mission debrief went quickly.

"Thank you.  SG-1, you are on downtime for two days."

"General," Daniel said, getting up and stopping Hammond.  "I have almost completed my final analysis of the Pangar museum records.  I just need one more trip to verify their inventory and I should be able to finish my final report.  I thought maybe you'd let me go since we have some time between missions."

Hammond looked assessingly at Daniel for long moments before slowly nodding his assent.  "Take the rest of SG-1 with you.  Colonel, I'd like an update on how the repair effort is going.  You can leave 0800 tomorrow morning."

With that, Hammond went into his office and Jack watched Daniel disappear down the hall.  Twenty minutes later, Jack burst into Daniel's office, no longer able to wait to find out what had happened in the Land of Light.  Unsurprisingly, Teal'c was already there.

Jack carefully closed the door behind him.  "Okay, Daniel, spill."

Daniel looked up from a large tome, pointing to a blackboard behind him with strange words on it.  "Sam asked me to translate this for her and she wants me to track down an artifact."  He shoved the simple drawing towards Jack.

Jack suppressed a smile at the rough drawing. "So what do you have so far?"

"Well, I can't really do anything about the necklace until we get to Pangar, but this," Daniel said, pointing at the words on the blackboard, "is Gaelic."

Jack squinted at the indecipherable words.  "And?"

"Well," Daniel said, pushing to his feet. "It's actually an old proverb.  It simply means _A hint is sufficient for the wise_."

Jack huffed with annoyance.  "Well that must mean I'm not all that wise, 'cause that doesn't mean anything to me."

"Perhaps it simply means that the memory Major Carter experienced should be enough to lead us to what we seek," Teal'c offered.

"Maybe," Daniel said.  "Or it supports Sam's feeling that the necklace is somehow important, that maybe it will lead us to Egeria's Legacy."

The three men sat in silence for a while, each contemplating the meaning of the clues at hand. 

Teal'c eventually pushed to his feet.  "There is one thing we have not considered, no matter how unpleasant, but I feel it must be said before we proceed any further."

Daniel and Jack looked up in surprise, unused to Teal'c speaking at such length.

"What is it?" Jack asked.

"If this pendant does, in fact, lead us to Egeria's Legacy, it would be unwise to give it to Major Carter."

Daniel made a sound of protest and Jack's face went hard.

"No matter our intentions, by helping Major Carter, we could inadvertently be aiding the enemy.  We cannot be responsible for putting such a weapon in their hands."

"It is Sam, Teal'c.  I'm sure of it," Daniel said.

"There is no way to be completely sure," Teal'c countered.  "We have all been fooled before."

Jack's chair scraping loudly against the floor brought both men's attention to him.  His face was stonily unreadable. 

"Let me know when you have something more, Daniel," he said before stalking from the room.

"I really hope you are wrong, Teal'c," Daniel said, staring after Jack's disappearing back.  "For all of our sakes."

Teal'c nodded, his face solemn.  "As do I."

*     *     *

The area around the gate on Pangar was still home to many tents and temporary housing.  The rebuilding of the ravaged land would take many years to come. But for now, the SGC was still supplying the displaced with food, medical supplies and even a small contingent of SGC personnel. 

Ovron met them at the gate, looking pleased to see them, but tired nonetheless.  The Senior Minister of Agriculture had been unwillingly thrust into the role of leader as one of the few survivors of the original Pangaran government.

"Ovron," Jack said by way of greeting as the older man bowed low before them.

"Colonel O'Neill, it is a pleasure," the minister replied in kind.

"We've just come by to check up on you, see how you're doing," Jack explained.  "And Daniel here is almost done reviewing your museum inventory, if you would allow him access to your archives once more."

"Of course," Ovron replied.  He waved over a young woman.  "Bekka can escort you into the city."

Jack nodded for Teal'c to go with Daniel and the guide.  "Keep me appraised," Jack called after them.  He turned to Ovron and smiled.  "Well, Captain Santos and I would be happy to have a tour, and you can fill us in on anything you might need."

Ovron smiled gratefully and led them away from the gate.

*     *     *

The path to the museum wound its way through the burned, lifeless city.  Their guide Bekka informed Daniel and Teal'c that most people had left the city, choosing rather to live in the outskirts in large refugee camps.  Daniel didn't blame them.  The city had a spooky quality to it, what had once been gleaming buildings and bustling tram systems now lay in ruins.

When they finally reached the museum, one of the few buildings left relatively untouched, Daniel was surprised to see the door heavily guarded by what looked like soldiers.  Dr. Leemar, whom Daniel had worked with in the past, was there to meet them at the door.

"Dr. Jackson," he greeted.

Daniel shook the man's hand.  "I don't remember security being so tight last time I was here," Daniel remarked conversationally as they made their way down the long hallway.

Dr. Leemar nodded.  "Yes, you remember correctly.  There was never the need until recently.  Our people are far too busy scraping enough together to survive, so looting had not been something we were prepared for."

"Did something happen?"

"A few days ago the museum was broken into.  We have since put more security in place."

Daniel and Teal'c exchanged a glance.  "Were many things taken?" Daniel asked.

"No.  That is the strangest part.  Only one thing was taken that we can tell.  And as far as we knew, it was of very little monetary value."  Dr. Leemar shrugged.  "But people do strange things in trying times."

"May I ask what the object was?" Daniel asked, his feeling of trepidation intensifying.

"Of course," Dr. Leemar said.  "It was small necklace with a blue stone.  We had just finished cataloging it, or we likely would have never even noticed its absence."

Daniel felt his stomach drop.  They were too late.  More than likely Keren had been on this planet just a few days ahead of them.  Daniel felt himself looking over his shoulder.  For all they knew, he was still here.

"When you cataloged the necklace, did you by chance create any reproductions of the object?" Teal'c asked.

Daniel looked at Dr. Leemar expectantly.

"Yes, of course.  We used the equipment you lent to us, Dr. Jackson."

"May we see it?" Daniel asked, a bit more intensely than he intended.

Dr. Leemar nodded, throwing Daniel a strange look.

Twenty minutes later Daniel was tucked away in the archives with a file of color photographs.  The necklace was roughly how Sam had described it, silver in color with a rather dull blue stone at its heart.  What Sam's drawing had lacked, however, were the details.  The pendant had more writing engraved around the stone.

"It's more Gaelic," Daniel noted to Teal'c.  "Is leor don dreoilín a nead."

He pulled various texts out of his backpack and spread them around the table, flipping back and forth between pages.  "I think it's another proverb," Daniel mumbled to no one in particular.

"Here it is!" Daniel exclaimed, pointing to his book.  " _Is leor don dreoilín a nead_ literally means 'The nest is enough for a wren.'"

Teal'c looked unimpressed.  "What do birds have to do with Egeria?" he questioned.

Daniel shook his head.  "No...it's a proverb.  Kind of similar to one common in America:  Home is where the heart is."  

"Does this mean that Egeria's Legacy can be found at her residence?"

Daniel shrugged.  "Does a Goa'uld Queen have a home?"

"It could refer to P3X-888 where the Goa'uld evolved," Teal'c suggested.

"I don't know," Daniel said.  "Somehow that doesn't seem right.  I mean, first of all, why is all this in Gaelic?  Why not Goa'uld?"

"Perhaps it does not refer to Egeria's home."

Daniel flipped absently through his books.  "You could be right.  Maybe this is the language of Egeria's host.  Egeria was the first Tok'ra, after all, she would have blended equally with her host.  And so it is in Gaelic. And Egeria's Legacy could be on the host's planet."

Daniel looked back at the image and all of his excitement slowly drained away.  "Of course, we have no way of knowing where that might be."

"What about this, DanielJackson?" Teal'c asked, placing a color photograph in front of Daniel.

It was a picture of the back of the pendant.  Minuscule letters spiraled clockwise from the top towards the center.  Daniel grabbed a magnifying glass.  "Numbers," Daniel mumbled.  "These are numbers."

"A Stargate address?" Teal'c asked.

Daniel shook his head.  "I have no idea."  He pointed at the picture.  "This reads 17, 4, 28, 33, 9, 21."

"That seems to be a great deal of writing for so few numbers," Teal'c observed.

"Yeah...well the Gaelic numbering system is a bit complex.  Instead of 33, they say (3 + 10) on 20.  Tri deug air fhichead."

Daniel carefully wrote out the Gaelic words, their numerical value and their expanded values. 

"There are six numbers, which would seem to correspond to a gate address," Teal'c intoned.

"Probably.  Though figuring out how they correspond to actual symbols on the gate could take a while.  I'm sure Sam will be able to work it out."

Teal'c made a noncommittal sound in his throat. 

"Look, Teal'c," Daniel said.  "I have to actually do some of the work I came here to do or Hammond will get even more suspicious.  Keren was here only a matter of days ago, which means that he is that many steps ahead of us.  It doesn't matter anymore if Sam is who she says she is, because we know for a fact that Keren is a threat.  And like it or not, Sam and Selmak are probably the only hope we have to stop him from getting his hands on that weapon."

Teal'c was quiet for a moment before nodding solemnly.  "I believe you are right, Daniel Jackson. We must get this information to her as soon as possible."

Daniel smiled gratefully and started writing a long letter to Sam.

*     *     *

The Stargate was a hub of activity and Teal'c knew he had little chance of using it unnoticed.  But he also knew that his chances on Pangar were greater than if he returned to Earth.  And as DanielJackson would say, time was of the essence.

There was no sign of O'Neill or Santos near the gate, just a small group of Pangaran sentinels.

"I wish to report in to my superiors," Teal'c said to the nearest soldier.  The Pangaran nodded, more than a little intimidated by the large man who had once served the great gods.

Teal'c smiled at the man in an attempt to make him feel more at ease, but judging from the way his skin paled, he probably didn't quite achieve the effect he was going for.  Teal'c shrugged and turned his attention to the DHD.  He carefully dialed the address Daniel had provided him and watched the gate whoosh into life.

Just as he was approaching the event horizon, O'Neill and Santos appeared around the corner, in open view of the gate.

Teal'c barely had time to register the beat of resignation on O'Neill's face as he glanced at Santos before Teal'c flipped the carefully sealed packet of photographs, transcriptions and notes into the wormhole.

Teal'c slowly approached O'Neill, his eyes carefully watching Santos, who was now staring avidly at the nearest pillar.

"Huh...," the captain said.  "I wonder if this is granite."

Jack raised a disbelieving eyebrow at the young man.  "Santos?"

Santos jumped almost comically.  "I'm sorry, sir.  Were you saying something?  I seem to have let my mind completely wander.  Just such *fascinating* architecture."

Jack looked at Teal'c and shrugged.  Apparently Santos was one less thing they needed to worry about.

Behind them, the wormhole shut off with a firm sense of finality.

They'd done their part.  Now it was all up to Sam.


	9. Echoes From The Past

Sam was sitting quietly by the cool waters of the billabong when Aroona came to her with a brown packet held carefully in front of her.

"This came through the Great Eye, _duruninang_."

Sam took the packet from the woman's hands, smiling slightly at her new title of 'daughter' among the Binghi.  Since she had emerged from the cave at the heart of the great mountain she was considered one of these people, a daughter to be looked out for.  Day by day, she found it easier to appreciate Saroosh's love for the Binghi.

Aroona unobtrusively slipped away, leaving Sam alone with the bulging envelope covered with Daniel's scrawled writing.  Something made Sam loathe to open it and she sat silently for a few moments, listening to the cackling calls of birds that no longer seemed quite as foreign as they once had.

'Samantha,' Selmak prompted gently.

Being an ostrich had never been more appealing than at this moment.  There were answers here, heavy against her lap.  Answers that would lead her to Egeria's Legacy.  To Jacob.

But also back to Keren.

Sam took a deep breath and ripped open the missive, spilling photographs and papers onto the soft sand.  A long letter from Daniel explained what he had found.

'So Keren got there first,' Selmak noted solemnly.

'But only a few days ago,' Sam said with surprise.  'Shouldn't he be weeks ahead of us?'

'It would have taken him weeks to analyze the massive amount of information he stole from your mind.  Add to that his need to find a translator...'

'So there is still a slight chance we can beat him there,' Sam surmised. 

'Perhaps.'

Sam picked up the image of the back of the pendant.  '17, 4, 28, 33, 9, 21,' she read out from Daniel's notes, noting immediately that there were six numbers.  A Stargate address.  'Is it a Tok'ra code?' she asked Selmak hopefully.

'No,' Selmak said slowly, confusion clear in her voice.  'It's not a code, just simply a very old short hand way of relaying gate coordinates.  Just like the Stargate, you begin counting at the top position.  It is...amazingly simple.'

'Isn't that a good thing?' Sam asked.

Selmak gave a mental shrug.  'It's just strange.  As if she made no attempt to hide this address.'

'Like she wanted someone to find it and wasn't too picky as to who that would be,' Sam said in understanding.

'Perhaps, though she did at least use the precaution of not using Goa'uld, instead using the language of her last host, if Dr. Jackson is correct.'

Sam ran her fingers over the photograph.  Using a human dialect was hardly an unbreakable code, but it had more than likely kept Ra from understanding what he'd had in his hands all those centuries ago.  Sam was beginning to realize that the casual dismissal of 'primitive' cultures by supposedly superior races was simply an arrogant failing.  The power to be found in these cultures was undeniable.  Like the Binghi's ability to access the subconscious and the suppressed.  Or the simple power of a common dialect to hide a potent secret for millennia.  Not to mention a long forgotten mythical race standing up to a seemingly immortal enemy.  Sam was beginning to see the Galaxy from an entirely new perspective.

Sam picked up a picture of the pendant.  'If this does lead to some sort of super weapon, you'd think she would have been more careful.'

'One would think,' Selmak commented dryly.

Sam sighed.  'Only one way to find out.'  She gathered the papers together and pushed to her feet.  Somewhere nearby something escaped into the water with a splash.  Ripples cascaded across the smooth surface, lapping gently at the sand.  'Thank you for bringing me here, Selmak,' Sam said softly, knowing she would miss this beautiful space most of all.

Warmth and affection welled up inside Sam's mind.  'You are most welcome, _duruninang_.'

Sam couldn't help but smile at the endearment.

*     *     *

A few hours later, Sam carefully entered the supplied gate address and stepped through the wormhole to find a desolate, dead world.  It was nothing like the starkly beautiful desert they had just left behind them.  This was not simply a harsh environment, but a decimated land.

Sam's chest burned with the horror of it.

A few steps from the gate a severe black sculpture stood in the charred earth. 

Selmak propelled them a few steps towards the object.  'It is the mark of obliteration,' she explained, 'left behind by the Goa'uld as warning.  This planet has been made uninhabitable as punishment to those who once lived here.'

Selmak ran one hand down the edge.  She pointed to a bank of writing down the middle.  'This was left by Ra: _For harboring traitors_.'

'Oh my god,' Sam swore softly.  'Do you think...did he do this because of Egeria's host?  To punish her?'

'It is likely,' Selmak observed, releasing control once more.  As horrible as it was, it was at least a sign that they were on the right planet.  'This world is probably radioactive, incapable of sustaining life.'

'Are we in danger?' Sam asked.

'No, I can ward off the effects for at least a few days, but not much longer.'

Sam slowly turned in a full circle, taking in the age old destruction around her.  What once might have been a sprawling city to the east was nothing more than rubble and even though many millennia had passed, not a single overgrown weed had taken purchase to soften the starkness. 

It was hard to reconcile this charred, lifeless landscape with the lush green world in her mind.  Just another black mark of death left in the wake of the Goa'uld.  Sam tried not to think of the host, what torments she must have suffered those last days, torn from her symbiote, left at the mercy of Ra. 

'There is no time for mourning.  We can grieve later,' Selmak reminded her firmly.

But Sam wasn't offended.  She knew Selmak was affected deeply as she was, but she also understood the need for focus.

"Right," Sam said out loud, getting her emotions under control.  She turned to the east where the remains of a city were just visible on the horizon.  "So where do we start looking?"

Sam heard the metallic sound of zat opening behind her just a second too late.

*     *     *

Sam groaned softly as she came to some time later.  As much as being zatted was preferable to being shot, she still really hated the nerve-frying sensation produced by the blue energy field.  No matter how many times she had been hit, it always seemed to hurt more each time.

In the back of her mind Sam also registered Selmak slowly rousing with a particularly surprising swear word.  Sam didn't know what language that was in, but she found she didn't really need a translation.

Pushing aside her amusement at Semak's vast and colorful vocabulary, Sam tried to sit up, only to find her hands bound tightly behind her.  Again.  This was really beginning to get old.

Before Sam could survey her surroundings a pair of hands came out of nowhere and gently helped her into a sitting position.

Sam looked up and right into her father's face.  For the merest moment with the lingering effects of the zat, she could have believed she was looking at her father, his face soft with a gentle look of concern.

The illusion faded quickly and Sam leaned back with a jerk.

"Samantha," Keren said softly.  "I can't tell you how glad I am to see you again.  I thought I had you lost in that last attack..."  He trailed off, shaking his head as if pained by the memory.

"I bet you did," Sam said in a hard voice.

Keren ignored her interruption.  "But I see you are not alone," he said, tapping one finger on a device in his hand.  He titled his head to one side.  "Who do you have in there?"

Sam just stared back at him, her jaw clenched tightly.

Keren sighed at her reticence.  "I'd put my money on Selmak," he said with a shrug as if it didn't matter much either way.  "I have to say, Samantha, that I am surprised you would have done that...no matter how dire the situation.  I know how you feel about blending."

Sam jerked her eyes away from Keren, anger burning in her chest.  "You don't know anything about me or how I feel," she said lowly.

Keren smiled sadly.  "You forget...I know you better than anyone.  I've seen what's inside there," he said, tapping gently on her forehead.  "There are very few reasons that would drive you to risk blending.  I imagine revenge is one of those."

Sam looked at Keren in surprise and felt the last of her patience with this man's mind games fall away.  She was done playing.  In the background, Selmak was advising restraint, but Sam pushed her away.  "Hate to burst that little bubble of self-importance you've got going there, but I'm not here for revenge.  And I couldn't care less about this Holy Grail you are hell bent on finding," Sam said roughly.  "I just want my father back."

Keren's eyes widened in surprise.  "And how did you plan on accomplishing that?"

Sam lifted her eyes to Keren's, steadily meeting his gaze.  If he knew her half as well as he claimed, he should be able to guess.  There was a gasp of horrified understanding from Selmak somewhere in the back of her mind.  This was something Sam had hid so deeply in herself that the Tok'ra hadn't even been aware of it.  Sam's last ditch plan.

"You wouldn't," Keren eventually said in awe.

"A fair trade," Sam shot back.  "My father for me."

Keren stepped back from Sam, his face betraying confusion and something more.  Was that admiration for how far Sam was willing to go?  He studied her for what seemed like an eternity, Sam's heart in her throat as she waited.

"That's very...tempting, Samantha," Keren said carefully.  "But you needn't make such a sacrifice.  This is all almost over.  And then we can all move forward into a better galaxy, free of the Goa'uld."

Sam was surprised by the enormous wave of relief that crashed over her at his words.  She felt her fingers trembling behind her back and she reminded herself that she still needed to find a way to save her father.

'I would have done it,' Sam said quickly, needing Selmak to understand that.

'I know,' Selmak assured her.

Keren had moved a few steps away from them and Sam took a moment to look around.  They were in what once had been a town square of sorts.  Sam was propped up against a stone bench to one side.  At the center of the plaza was a monumental statue.  The large human figure was missing it head and arms, but a large stone base was intact at the bottom and Keren had it surrounded with all sorts of equipment.

Keren followed Sam's gaze up to the statue.  "Impressive, isn't it?  I think it may be a representation of Diancecht.  Ancient god of healing who was most notably known for killing giant serpents.  Seems fitting, somehow, doesn't it?"

His wry smile turned serious.  "It took me quite a while of searching to find it, the radiation on this planet interfered with my equipment.  But I eventually detected a weak power reading.  Of course, once I figured it out, the power had mostly been drained."  He shrugged congenially.  "Too bad you didn't get here earlier.  You could have helped me with the power drain."  He looked at her thoughtfully.  "Or maybe you wouldn't have."

Sam just raised a sardonic eyebrow at him in confirmation.

He sighed rather wistfully at Sam.  "I know you probably don't believe me, but I am very relieved that you survived and that Selmak was able to repair any injury you suffered.  I am glad that you, of all people, are here to share this with me.  The beginning of a new age."

Sam couldn't help but notice that the man sounded positively lonely.  But Sam squashed down any soft feelings.  If he was lonely, he had no one to blame but himself.

Keren kept chatting almost absently at her, filling her in on all his theories about what the monument might hold and the meaning of the pendant.

Sam listened with half an ear as she tugged at her restraints and watched Keren fiddle with various machines.  Two hours later, Sam wasn't any closer to freedom, but the statue in front of her did suddenly fill the square with a low humming sound as it powered up.

Keren glanced over at her, excitement lighting up his face.

But Sam felt nothing but trepidation.

With a grinding sound the front of the pedestal slowly folded open, revealing an incongruously complex interface. 

'This appears to be technology beyond the inhabitants of this planet,' Selmak noted.

'Do you think this is really it?' Sam asked breathlessly, hating that she had to just sit here helplessly as events unfolded around her. 'Egeria's Legacy?'

'Perhaps,' Selmak replied, excitement and anxiety mingling in her voice.

Keren gingerly approached the interface.  He pressed an unseen button and a projected screen appeared.  Sam craned her neck, trying to see what he was doing, but it was just out of her line of sight.

"It looks like a data storage unit," Keren remarked absently, poking out a few more commands.  "Many of the files are in the same language as the pendant."  He ran his hands over the monument, his face creased in concentration.  "But there is a small recess here...it looks like..."

Keren trailed off and for once Sam wished he would keep talking.  "What?" she demanded, unable to stop herself.

Keren just shook his head and began digging through a bag at the base of the statue.  After a minute or so he made a sound of triumph and pulled out his hand.  Dangling from his fingers was Egeria's pendant.

"I knew the necklace had to have more to it than just a location!" he exclaimed.  The next thing Sam knew, he had pulled out a knife and was attempting to pry the stone out of the necklace.

'It's a memory crystal?' Sam said incredulously.

But Semak didn't answer, she was too intent on the developing situation and her own wonder that she might be sitting on a site that Egeria had once stood upon.

Keren successfully removed the stone and carefully placed it on the interface.  The crystal clicked into place and he stepped back expectantly. 

The soft humming grew louder and an image of a woman slowly appeared projected a few feet above the platform.  The woman was slightly obscured by static, but there was no mistaking the ginger hair and youthful face from Sam's vision.

"Egeria," Keren breathed in awe, also recognizing the figure.

The image began to speak, but the words were those of the host, spoken in a lilting language.  Judging by the confused look on Keren's face, he didn't understand it any more than Sam.

After a few minutes, the floating figure dropped her head and when she raised it once more, her voice was low and symphonic and she spoke in Goa'uld.

Selmak quietly translated for Sam, her voice shaky with awe and wonder at hearing her Queen's words.

 _"I am Egeria, a Goa'uld Queen.  I have great hope that whoever finds this will have never heard of the Goa'uld, that we have finally been obliterated from this Galaxy and are now little more than tales told to frighten children.  But I fear that this may not be so._

 _"The Goa'uld are a violent scourge, destined to enslave and torture for the sake of power and greed.  This is the legacy into which I was born.  An existence of false godhood and misplaced faith.  Of horror and death._

 _"I know in my heart that one day they will fall, but I have come to accept that I will not live to see this day.  My enemies move ever closer.  And so I have spent my last days on the planet Danu, home to my host, my partner, Derdriu.  I have left with her people my final work.  My own legacy._

 _"For my children, if they should survive.  For the enslaved of this galaxy, so they might have hope.  For others like me, who may find the same light of truth that has guided my path.  I leave, as my legacy, the greatest, most powerful gift I can offer:_

 _"My story._

 _"Let it be known that though I was born to violence and greed, I have rejected them.  Let it be remembered that a Goa'uld can be more than master, but partner, that the greatest joy and fulfillment may be found in symbiosis, in blending rather than dominating._

 _"I offer in these annals my story, so that it may remind others to always live with compassion and respect for all other beings.  For it is in this *idea* that lies the ultimate power to destroy the Goa'uld._

 _"Let that never be forgotten."_

Egeria's image hovered for one more moment before dissolving, shrouding the plaza in silence once more.

Sam's mind was flooded, Selmak's raw emotions battling with Sam's own amazement.  Egeria's legacy was not a weapon.  It was an assumption they all had made, but they couldn't have been more wrong.  Sam could feel Selmak's desire to hear Egeria's story.  It could answer so many questions.  What had changed her?  How, exactly, had she seeded the rebellion now know as the Tok'ra?  Such a gift could surely breathe new life into the depleted race.  Into a war they seemed doomed to lose.

Sudden movement brought Sam's wandering attention back to Keren and the threat at hand.  He was pacing back and forth like a caged animal, the crackling energy of his disbelief radiating off of him.

 _It isn't what it seems._

Part of Sam reveled in his discomfort, wanted to shout that he was a disgrace to the name Tok'ra.  To point out that Egeria would be appalled by what he had done in her name.  Wanted to ask if his means had really justified this prize.

But Sam also knew, somewhere deep inside, that Egeria would have had the capacity to forgive.

 _Compassion._

It was easier to hate.  But Sam imagined that was kind of the point.

Sam looked at Keren and tried to forgive him his shortsightedness, his careless embracing of the easy path.  Tried to see him as someone to pity.

But she couldn't.  She hated him for hurting people simply because he'd honestly thought the ends would justify the means.  He was a coward, searching for a quick solution to this endless fight with the Goa'uld.  And that wasn't something she could excuse.

So maybe she had about as much to learn about compassion as Keren did.

'It's time to forgive, Samantha,' Selmak softly observed, her own emotions boiling dangerously close to the surface.

'After what he's done?' Sam exclaimed.  'You've got to be kidding!'

'I'm not talking about him,' Selmak responded gently.

Selmak's words instantly doused the fury in Sam's chest, sending cold fingers of awareness crawling down her spine.  Images flooded her brain.  Blood on her tongue, close impact of bullets, gravel under her palms. 

'It's time to forgive yourself.'

Sam shook her head, forcing her concentration on Keren who had finally stopped pacing and dropped to the ground on his knees.

'Let it go, Samantha, just let it go....'

Sam stared hard at the floor, feeling something undeniable welling up in her chest.  She desperately wished to have her mind to herself once more.  To be left alone.  But Selmak was there, making her face things that were better off ignored.  'Please, Selmak,' she plead desperately.

But Selmak would not relent.  'It's time to stop running.'

Something broke inside Sam at that moment and she felt her head lift to face Keren.  She took a deep breath and forced herself to really look at him.

His face, so achingly familiar, was unnaturally pale.  He swayed slightly as if in complete shock.  And in that moment, for the merest second, Sam could no longer see her tormentor or her enslaved father.  All she could see was a man whose whole world had crumbled around him as each damning word left Egeria's lips.

Keren had been a man who believed.  And now he drifted perilously.  Sam knew there was nothing she could say or do to him to punish him any more than he was already suffering.

Sam began to speak, not even knowing the words until they tripped off her tongue

"I wanted to die," Sam said without preamble.

Keren's head whipped up and he looked at her in confusion, as if he had forgotten she was even there.

"It was one of Anubis' super soldiers," she expanded slowly.  "He'd chased me for an eternity.  But when he finally caught up with me, when there was no more room for escape...I was glad.  Actually *glad* that he was there to end it.  I was so tired.   Tired of near-deaths and close shaves and pulling a solution out at the last minute.  So I wanted to die.  Because it would be easier."

Keren blinked slowly at her and breathed heavily as if he was having trouble getting enough air, but she knew he was listening, his eyes intent on her as if she was his lifeline.

"Of course," Sam continued, "my friends saved me last minute and for the merest moment, I almost hated them for it.  So I tried to quit.  Because this war is hard and endless and requires so much sacrifice.  And I didn't want to do it anymore.  I convinced myself I was protecting people by leaving, but I was just running away.

"And I would be still, if it weren't for you.  I'd be sitting in my house right now, trying to pretend that it didn't matter that I had quit, that I had walked away from people who needed me.  Trying to ignore that I'd put my own selfish fears above everything else.  Because it was easier to believe the lies.

"But out here I've learned that there are no magic shortcuts.  No easy paths that can be justified with empty words and mindless beliefs."

Sam dropped her head for a moment, trying to hold back the wild tide of emotions running through her.  She looked back up into Keren's hungry eyes and forced herself to continue.

"We've both done so many stupid and harmful things, Keren.  But we both still have the chance to change that.  To do what's right, not because it's easy or quick, but because it's hard and painful and maybe even endless, but it is right.  And that's reason enough."

Sam registered the feel of tears on her cheeks, but she didn't try to hide them, because they were honest.  And somehow it seemed long past time for honesty.

Keren pushed back to his feet, tearing his eyes away from her and began pacing once more, but now he seemed resigned where he was once angry.  He stopped in front of the monument and ran his fingers carefully over the inscription.

With his back still to her, he said lowly, "He's very proud of you."

He turned to her, his own eyes sparkling with tears, the uncertainly beginning to clear.  He tapped his head.  "Your father," he clarified.

Sam felt fresh tears welling up in her eyes.  She nodded slowly.  "Yeah...I'm pretty proud of him, too."

Keren smiled briefly, but it was a hauntingly empty gesture.  "He also wonders when you got to be so wise."

Sam shook her head and tried to ignore the deadness of her father's eyes.  "I'm not all that wise.  But I'm trying."

Keren observed Sam for long moments.  "I know it doesn't count for much anymore, but I *am* sorry.  I was so sure...," he broke off, his voice faltering.  "I only intended good.  To be worthy of her gift."  He shook his head.  "But none of that matters anymore, does it?  Because in the end...I became what she despised."

"Keren," Sam said uneasily, fear beginning to blossom in her chest, sensing that he was now at his most dangerous.  A believer with nothing left to believe.

Keren ignored Sam.  He carefully pulled the blue stone out of the monument and placed it lovingly back in the pendant.  Leaning over Sam, he gently placed the necklace around her neck, kissing her softly on the cheek before backing away.

"What are you doing?" Sam asked sharply, trying not to think of the feel of his lips on her skin.

He smiled softly at her.  "Don't worry.  There's only one more thing left to do."  He leaned down and picked up a zat.  "Goodbye, Samantha.  Selmak."

And then he fired.

*     *     *

The blinding pain coursing through her synapses was enough to tell Sam that she probably wasn't dead, even if she might have wished it.

There was rough, uneven stone under her cheek and Sam slowly pushed up off the ground, one hand rubbing at her face.  Her head cleared slowly as she tried to take stock of her situation.  As her sight focused, however, the looming statue of Diancecht swam into view.

Sam's breath caught in her throat and she pushed recklessly to her feet.  Selmak hurriedly helped regain their equilibrium.  Sam barely had time to register that her hands were no longer bound before she was spinning around, desperately searching for any sign of Keren.

"Keren!" she shouted.

Only the deathly silence of the planet answered her. 

'He can't have gotten far,' Selmak offered urgently, pressuring Sam to head for the Stargate.

Sam pushed into motion, her feet pounding the ancient stones and the pendant flapping against her chest, a constant reminder of what had brought them all to this moment.

When Sam finally broke out of the ruins into the open land, the first thing she saw was a body sprawled face down in the mud.  Sam stumbled to a stop at its side, falling to her knees and carefully turning over the body.

Blood dribbled down Jacob's chin and Sam desperately pressed her fingers against his throat, almost crying in relief when she felt a steady pulse.  She carefully checked his body for injury. It was only after she was thoroughly satisfied that he was fine that her eye was caught by an object less than ten feet away.

There, in the mud, lay the still body of a symbiote.

Sam felt bile rising her throat at the pathetic sight.  'Is he-?' Sam asked incoherently.

'He is dead,' Selmak steadily responded, her own ambivalent feelings securely suppressed.

'Why?' Sam asked unbelievingly, her hand still pressed to her father's steadily beating heart.  'Why would he do that?'

Selmak was quiet for a long time as they stared at the lifeless form.  'Perhaps he lacked the strength to live in the face of his mistakes.'

Sam felt her heart beat painfully in her chest and her entire being focused on the way the mud and gravity sucked at her knees.  She imagined being pulled in and drowning in it. 

When she thought of him now, all she could remember was his agony and his broken eyes.  'I hope he finds peace,' Sam eventually said, startled to find that she really meant it.

Sam carefully ran one hand over her father's forehead. Then she pushed to her feet, lifted her father's body carefully in her arms and turned away from Keren.  With sure, even strides, she walked away from the city and towards the Stargate. 

It was time to go home.


	10. There and Back Again

The surface of the wormhole shimmered silently and Sam waited a few paces away, Jacob's head heavy in her lap.  Selmak was quiet, not having said a word since Sam began pressing the painfully familiar glyphs for Earth.  Some part of Sam thought there should be celebrating or maybe just relief.  They had Jacob back.  Egeria's Legacy was safe.  Keren would never hurt anyone again.

Instead, a strange sort of quiet had encompassed them both.  For the first time as long as Sam could remember, she felt a great reservoir of calm fill her, matching the gentle rippling of the event horizon.  She had reason to be anxious or at the very least tired, but with Egeria's necklace cool against her chest, her father secure in her arms and an open connection to Earth at last, Sam could only feel guarded optimism that although her life would never be the same, it would at least be lived with purpose once again.

Jack was the first to break through the rippling surface, Daniel close on his heels.  Teal'c came next and he was accompanied by two MPs.  Jack looked annoyed but resigned to their presence, glancing back at them as they stepped through.

Sam remained still, not really surprised by the MPs' presence.  Daniel took a couple wary steps forward, his eyes momentarily caught by the unforgiving desolation of the planet.  They had been warned of the harsh conditions, but nothing ever prepared one for such absolute destruction.

"Sam?" Daniel eventually questioned softly, his eyes now on hers.

"Daniel," she said in confirmation, a reassuring smile spreading over her face, but his uncertainty reminded her of another uncomfortable truth.  The MPs were the first clue, but the continued wariness of her team reminded her that as much as they wanted to believe in her, her identity was still unconfirmed.  They couldn't afford to let another potential Trojan Horse walk freely around the base.

Sam's hands tightened momentarily on her father's figure before she gently shifted her weight. "Teal'c," she said, her voice sounding calm and steady, "could you see that my father gets back safely?"

Teal'c nodded, glancing smoothly at Jack before reaching for the still unconscious man.  Out of the corner of Sam's eye, she could see the guards reach for their weapons.  

Jack stepped in front of them, proving exactly how much trust he had in their escort.  "Keren?" he asked, eyeing the unconscious form suspiciously.

Sam swallowed back sudden unease at the thought of the broken body drowning in the mud.  "Dead," she said evenly, nodding her head in the direction of Keren's corpse.

Jack gestured for one of the MPs to go check.  Teal'c lifted Jacob from Sam's lap and she slowly got to her feet, her hands held slightly wide to reinforce that she was unarmed. 

"There is a plaza about half a mile to the east; you'll want to send a retrieval team."

"Egeria's Legacy?" Daniel asked breathlessly, his eyes bright with curiosity.

Sam nodded stiffly, some part of her aching in the face of Daniel's familiar earnestness.  She wanted to reach out and touch him, her hand clenching compulsively at her side.  But the second MP was still watching her with dark, suspicious eyes as if she was a criminal.  Which she was.

"Weapon?" Jack asked. 

Sam blinked once and brought her attention back to Jack.  She shrugged carefully, a half smile tugging at her lips, knowing that Egeria might have said that knowledge in its own way was the most powerful weapon of all. 

"Not as we might have thought," Sam said.

Jack's eyes narrowed at her cryptic answer, but Sam just shook her head in apology.  Maybe it was everything she had experienced, or just Selmak's vacillating emotions, but she gave herself the liberty to be a bit philosophical for once.

"But _what_ is it, Sam?"  Daniel asked.

Sam looked over at Daniel and then back to Jack and nothing could have stopped the wistful word tumbling from her lips. 

"Hope."

Something flashed in Jack's eyes for a moment, but Sam simply lifted her hands up to him, wrists pressed together as the MP returned with his sorry bundle, confirming Jacob's freedom from Keren. 

"I'm ready to go home," Sam said.  Just as she had promised.

Somewhere in the background Daniel made a sound of protest, but Jack just held out one hand to the MP, who passed him a pair of handcuffs.  He gently clasped them around Sam's wrists, holding her steady gaze the entire time. 

Jack nodded at Daniel to dial the gate and Sam watched Teal'c carry Jacob through the event horizon with obvious care.  With one last glance at Egeria's final home, Sam let Jack lead her up to the wormhole, conscious that once again she was restrained and at the mercy of others.

But with his hand at her elbow, she didn't stumble.

*     *     *

Stepping through the gate, Sam was flooded with the strange feeling of disconnect one experienced when finally returning to a place that had once been familiar.  But she couldn't quite be sure if the SGC changed so that it didn't quite fit right anymore, or if it was just her.  If she was just stretched somehow.  The grey walls used to be warmer, but maybe that was just Selmak comparing them to the flashing blue of underground crystal caverns.

Hammond was warm, yet guarded as he greeted her, a response she was becoming quite familiar with.  It was almost comforting to hear him say, "Welcome back," and order her to infirmary.  Jack, Daniel and Teal'c tried to follow her, but Hammond called them back with a firm call of "Briefing room."

A battery of tests was preformed in the infirmary by Dr. Warner rather than Janet for some unexplained reason, and Sam had to begin to wonder if they were purposively isolating her. 

Jacob was still unconscious a few beds down, suffering from a much longer exposure to radiation.  Dr. Warner had cautiously assured her Jacob would be fine, that he just needed a few days rest to recover.

'You could heal Jacob much faster,' Sam eventually observed to her long silent companion when she finally tired of watching Dr. Warner nervously circle around her, flinching each time he drew blood or administered a test.

It was the first either of them had spoken of the inevitable issue of Selmak's return to Jacob.  Selmak was silent for a while longer and Sam was beginning to worry about the symbiote's withdrawal.

'They will not allow me to join with Jacob without confirmation of my identity,' Selmak noted tiredly.

While that was true, Sam felt there was something more, another reason she was putting off her reunion with Jacob.

'What is it?' Sam prodded.

Selmak began evasively humming, but Sam pushed past the distraction, feeling the timbre of Selmak's emotions resonating beneath it.

'You want him to have a choice,' Sam concluded.  'You don't want him to blended again under the pretext of illness.'

Selmak's humming stumbled for a moment, before continuing again. Though where the symbiote had picked up the _Battle Hymn of the Republic_ , Sam had no idea.

'He has never regretted blending with you, Selmak.  You must know that.'

Selmak abruptly abandoned her attempt to avoid the conversation, heaving a deep mental sigh.  'Yes, of course,' she answered smoothly.  'I have never doubted that, but he has been through a trauma that perhaps only you and Colonel O'Neill can ever truly understand.'

'He was forcibly controlled by a symbiote,' Sam said with understanding, her tongue suddenly thick in her mouth.

'He has been violated and abused for weeks,' Selmak observed, her voice tight.  'I will not force myself back on him.  It has to be his choice.'

Her father's experience was never far from Sam's thoughts, but no matter how traumatic, she couldn't believe he would ever forsake Selmak.

'He will choose you,' Sam said resolutely, because she knew without doubt that Selmak could never be like Keren or Kanan.

Selmak wasn't as sure.

Hammond, Janet and SG-1 all entered the infirmary just as Dr. Warner finished his examination.  Janet looked like she wanted to cross to room to hug Sam, but she hung back with the others.

Selmak was more than a little annoyed by how they were being treated, somewhat like a Goa'uld who would, at any moment, jump up and force everyone to do her bidding.  Sam tried to calmly remind Selmak that it was better that they were playing it safe, but the symbiote was already grumbling in the background and flashed their eyes purely to unnerve the still hovering Dr. Warner.

The doctor took a few stumbling steps back and despite herself, Sam had to duck her head to hide her smile of amusement.

'Behave,' Sam demanded.

"Sorry, sir," Sam said out loud.  "Selmak is just a little tired of being prodded."

Hammond nodded absently.  "I just wanted to let you know, Major, that a committee from the Pentagon is being brought over to conduct an inquiry."

Sam's eyebrows shot up at the word inquiry.  Interrogation was probably a more accurate, if not less diplomatic, word. 

"I take it I am to be held in custody until the conclusion of the inquiry," Sam noted wryly.  She chanced a glance at her teammates, and while Jack and Teal'c were as inscrutable as ever, Daniel and Janet's faces made it clear they had argued Sam's case as best they could.

"It's alright," Sam said.  "It's nothing I didn't expect."

Hammond nodded again.  "May I ask...what you and Selmak intend to do now?"

It was rare that Sam heard Hammond sound so hesitant.

"Selmak will return to my father," Sam clarified, shocked that they all looked relieved.  She didn't know if they had expected a fight or if they honestly thought Sam might choose to be a Tok'ra.  "We would appreciate it if you could find Anise, so she may be here for the procedure."

"Anise?" Daniel questioned.

Selmak stirred and took control.  "There is much that the remaining Tok'ra deserve to be told.  I would share this with her.  We will also require her to care for Samantha's wounds when I leave her.  I would not have her experience any more pain on my behalf."

"Of course," Hammond agreed.  "I'll have Walter send out a message.  Anise can also help Dr. Fraiser set up a stasis tank for Selmak."

When Anise arrived a few hours later, she embraced Sam like a long lost sister. 

"Selmak," she breathed.  "I feared we had lost you."

Sam was surprised by the upsurge of affection that filled her, especially when her own feelings for Anise were strained at best.  They spent a surprising hour together discussing what Selmak had learned, Anise's eyes growing wider and wider with each word.  It escaped neither Tok'ra that this was a profound moment for their kind.

A few hours later they all gathered in an isolation room and Sam and Selmak were taking one last final moment to say farewell.  There was really no need for words between them.  Sam could feel Selmak's gratefulness for all they had done together, and Sam was sure Selmak knew she did not regret any of their time together.

But underneath all that, Sam sensed a tiny undercurrent of trepidation that was not her own.

'You don't think Dad will take you back,' Sam observed.

'I fear he may not believe himself worthy.'

Sam frowned.  That was probably the last response she had expected.  'Why would he ever think that?'

'Keren,' Selmak said simply.

Keren.  During her captivity Sam had become so adept at separating her father from Keren that she hadn't even considered the fact that Jacob saw himself as doing all those things.  Including torturing his own daughter and the murders of many of his own kind.

'Keren will always be a part of my father now, won't he?' Sam asked.

'Yes,' Selmak replied steadily.  'It is the nature of blending.  Just as you will always be a part of me.'

'And it won't bother you to have Keren's memories and experiences yourself?'

Selmak was quiet for a moment.  'Egeria spoke the truth, Samantha.  In true blending there is the greatest joy and fulfillment.  I love your father.  I would do anything for him, because I am incomplete without him.'

Sam blinked back tears at the intensity of her confession.  There was such a deep well of emotion behind her words and Sam was in awe of a connection of that caliber, to belong to another so completely, so unguardedly.

'I promise to remind him of that,' Sam pledged softly. 

Sam watched Janet and Anise set up equipment and she began to feel the first curling tendrils of fear, something she had thought she'd banished.  She hadn't wanted this blending in the first place, but she has come to depend on Selmak so much, part of her questioned if she would ever be able to stand on her own again.

'I never could have done this without you...,' Sam confessed.

'Yes...you could have,' Selmak said firmly, obviously sensing Sam's doubts.  'You are stronger than you know.  Don't forget that now.'

Sam took a deep breath.  'I hope you are right.'

'I have no doubts.  But to help you with yours, let me give you one last gift,' Selmak intoned softly.

Before Sam could question Selmak's intention, she was assaulted by an avalanche of feelings and memories.  It was as if a wall in her mind that Sam had never been aware existed shattered suddenly, flooding her.

Sam stumbled under the onslaught and she could dimly register Jack's hand gripping her arm, the other wrapping around her waist, forestalling her rather graceless fall to the floor. 

"Carter?" he asked with concern, his voice sounding as it from a great distance.

"I'm fine," Sam gasped rather unreassuringly.

He looked disbelievingly at her, but Sam didn't have time to address him, too busy coming to terms with what she was experiencing.  She just leaned against him, confident he wouldn't let her fall.

She was five years old, watching a beloved sister carted off to the Temple, her face beautifully stoic.  She was newly born, sliding through the warm, murky waters, feeling the currents play gently over her flesh.  She was five hundred, celebrating her ascendance over an entire solar system, humans' backs under her feet.  She was everyone and no one, all at once.

And finally Sam understood.  Selmak had always been holding back from her, leaving her alone in her mind, alone in her decisions.

'Just the occasional nudge when I thought it desperately needed,' Selmak wryly noted over the cacophony.

Maybe the Tok'ra had always known the moment of separation would come, one way or another. 

'This was never meant to be your path,' Selmak observed sagely.  'Just a slight detour.'

Sam felt her head lift slightly at Selmak's command.  Daniel and Teal'c hovered a few steps away, their faces creased with concern.  Sam could feel Jack's hand at her waist and Janet's cool fingers on her face.  These people were her path, because she loved them and felt incomplete without them.   Something she learned from Selmak.

Sam smiled wanly over the chaos.  'Thanks,' she said softly, knowing that her feelings could convey far more than her words.

Bittersweet affection filled Sam's being.  'No, Samantha.  My thanks be to you.'

Sam straightened, still leaning slightly on Jack and looked up at Anise.  There was warm understanding in the Tok'ra's eyes that Sam had never really noticed before.

"We are ready," Sam said steadily.

*     *     *

Bright light and soft humming slowly penetrated Sam's dizziness.  She cracked open her eyes only to moan in protest.

"You're okay, Sam," Janet said reassuringly.  "Anise is almost done."

True to her word, the light abruptly ended a moment later.  Sam turned her head to the side, slowly opening her eyes again.  Her vision gradually corrected itself and she found herself staring at a large tank, a symbiote swimming gently inside and for a moment, she was back in time, panic clawing at her throat.

But she was done being afraid.

Sam reached out one steady hand to the glass, running her fingers down the smooth surface.

"Sam?" Janet asked from her other side.

"Yeah," Sam replied thickly.  "I'm here."

Hammond stepped into Sam's vision and she tiredly focused on his face.  "Major," he said gently, "we just need you to confirm the identity of the symbiote."

Sam rolled onto her back, clearing her throat.  "Selmak," she said tiredly.

Hammond smiled and clasped her shoulder.

Daniel was the next to step forward, grabbing Sam's hand and looking relieved at the confirmation.  She focused on the warmth of Daniel's hand and felt Teal'c close in on her other side.  Looking over his shoulder she could see Jack standing a few steps away.

He didn't look relieved, though.  He looked unnerved.  She didn't quite have the energy to wonder why.

Sam squeezed Daniel's hand and let her eyes slide shut.  "Tired," she mumbled.

"Sleep, Sam," Daniel said softly.  "We've got you."

She was willing to believe that.

When next she woke, she had been moved to the infirmary and was in a bed next to her father, who was watching her intently. When he realized she was awake, he looked away quickly, but not before she saw the pain in his eyes.

For a panicked moment, Sam reached out blindly with her mind for Selmak, only to rebuke herself and refocus on her father.

Growing up, Sam had never been particularly close to her father.  Sure they did things together, when he was around.  He had never failed to praise her for one of her achievements.  But they'd never been what Jacob might call 'touchy-feely.'  Hugs were rare, but not quite as rare as frank conversations about feelings.

Lots of things had changed for them since Jacob became a Tok'ra.  In many ways it gave Sam and Jacob a chance to build a real relationship, even if she saw him less, if possible, than she did before.  But even with their newfound closeness, they still rarely, if ever, broached each other's carefully maintained privacy, being far too alike in that manner.

So upon seeing the guarded pain in her father's eyes, Sam didn't bother with useless assurances that none of this had been his fault; that he hadn't chosen any of Keren's actions.  She didn't even embarrass him by repeating Selmak's tender declarations.

Instead, she struggled out of her bed, trailing the IV pole that the nurses apparently wasted no time in sticking Sam with while she was unconscious.  Sam slowly rounded the bed to stand by Jacob's side.

"Do you know what I see when I look at you?" she asked without preamble.

She didn't wait for a response as Jacob stubbornly stared at the ceiling, knowing there wouldn't be one. 

"I see the man who took me camping when I was eight and convinced me that I could start a fire by rubbing two sticks together," Sam said, deliberately invoking one of the happiest moments from her childhood.  She'd gotten the older man back for her useless blisters by rigging his tent to collapse in on itself (a skill she found incredibly useful off-world in later years).

"I see the man who wept at my mother's grave when he thought no one was looking.  I see the hero other people and races hold you to be.  I see my father."

Jacob stayed predictably stoic throughout the entire recitation.

"What I don't see is *him*," Sam said, deliberately not speaking Keren's name.  "And neither does Selmak."

She leaned over and kissed him softly on the cheek, relishing for a moment in his closeness.  "You were worth everything," she whispered, knowing he blamed himself for her jaunt across the galaxy.

She didn't stay to argue with him, instead leaving him to his thoughts by retreating back to her own bed and pulling the curtains.  She didn't sleep, but a few hours later, she heard Jacob ask to see Hammond, quietly requesting to have Selmak returned to him.

And all that was left for Sam to do was sit in her newly appointed cell and await the verdict on her future.


	11. A Singular Life

Jack had spent more than his fair share of pacing in the endless grey corridors during Sam's absence.  It had been a way for him to burn off nervous energy, and more than likely a futile effort to escape truths and theories he didn't particularly want to acknowledge.  Now that Sam was back and safe though, he found himself continuing the practice.  He didn't really want to take the time to wonder why.

But maybe his subconscious did, because during his habitual ramble through the long halls, he found himself passing in front of Sam's room.  Or cell, as it might be more justly called, due to the obvious presence of an armed guard.

Jack paused by the door, pushing away anger at the thought of his 2IC locked up, when he registered the distinct sound of weeping floating out into the corridor.  The MP at the door studiously avoided Jack's eye and looked like he was doing his best to ignore the sounds emanating from the cell.

"Open it up, Sergeant," Jack ordered gruffly without really giving it a second thought.

The guard only hesitated for a moment before unlocking the door.

"Carter?" Jack asked tentatively as he stepped inside and the door shut behind him.  He hovered just inside, trying to give her some time to pull herself together if she wanted.

Sam looked up at him from her perch on the bottom bunk with large wet eyes.  "Sir," she acknowledged.   She made no move to wipe the tears from her cheeks and Jack shuffled uncomfortably under her gaze.

"Do you want me to-?" Jack asked incoherently, gesturing back towards the door behind him.

Sam regarded Jack for a moment before shaking her head.  "No...do you think you could stay?  Just for a little while?"

Jack didn't answer right away, surprised that she would ask.  "Sure," he said, settling himself down in a chair a few feet away.

She smiled weakly at him, pressing a pale hand to her cheek.  "It's hard being in here alone.  I know Selmak and I never had a true blending...but I just feel so...empty.  Like I've lost a part of myself."

She lowered her head, shaking it in self-deprecation.  "Sorry...I sound crazy, don't I?"

"No," Jack said swiftly, his hand reaching out and settling warmly on hers.

She looked up at him with wide, red-rimmed eyes, a look full of loss and pain, but also the strength he had always associated with her.  Jack hadn't honestly thought about the effect of losing a symbiote.  But now he remembered how disconsolate Sam had been after Jolinar had died, and that hadn't even been a partnership of the sort she must have had with Selmak.   

"I'm sorry," he said softly.  "It must be tough."

She looked surprised for a moment, before hefting a broken smile on her face.  "I'll be okay.  If I can just get past this crying phase."

She didn't sound particularly embarrassed, just grieved.  She continued to sniffle softly for another few minutes while Jack just held on to her hand.

"Thanks," she eventually mumbled as she rubbed her face dry.

Jack shrugged off her thanks and leaned back, releasing her hand.  "You know, Carter...you've changed," he observed.

She sat up slightly to meet his eyes.  "What makes you say that?"

"I'd have sworn you would have rather faced the business end of a hand device than cry in front of me."

He was going for light-hearted jesting, but he must have missed the mark because Sam's face instantly sobered at his words.  She stared penetratingly at him and gave him that uncomfortable feeling that she could read him far too easily. 

"What?" Jack asked uncomfortably, not used to such frank appraisal, especially from her.

"You weren't sure, were you?" she said softly.

There was no accusation in her tone, but Jack felt it all the same.  He pushed to his feet and moved a few steps back towards the door, staring out the small window.  This was really something he had hoped to avoid ever talking to her about.  Couldn't they just be glad she was back and move on with no need for courts martials or serious discussions?

"That whole time," she continued from behind him, "and you couldn't quite convince yourself that it was really me."

Jack forced himself to turn and study her face carefully, thinking of how different she had been, reviewing every reason to doubt.  How could he really explain the misgivings that had crowded him in the quiet moments during her absence?

"Can you really blame me?" he asked instead.

Her eyes slid away from his for a second and he somehow knew she was also thinking of that day in the forest.  Jack's attention was almost hypnotically drawn to her fingers playing absently with the cuff of her shirt as he waited for her to answer.

"No...," she eventually admitted.  "Not really."

Silence settled over the room for a long time before Sam finally managed to lift her eyes to his once more. 

"Well, now you know," she said.

Jack met her gaze across the room.  "Now I know."

He just didn't know what it meant.

*     *     *

The next day, Jack finally stopped putting off the one visit he had been avoiding.

"I'm sorry," Jack said from the doorway to the infirmary. 

Jacob looked up from what was probably a private conversation with Selmak.  His eyes darted to the yo-yo that was currently spinning haphazardly from Jack's fingers.  But Jack's seeming lack of attention did nothing to soften the stark seriousness of Jack's statement.

"For what exactly, Jack?" Jacob asked, his tone annoyingly neutral.

The yo-yo sank to the floor in a tangle of twine and Jack hazarded a few steps into the room.  "I should have stopped this.  I should have known something was wrong when you first came," Jack said, trying to tiptoe around the subject of Jacob's abduction with all the grace of a fully armored serpent guard.

Jacob didn't answer right away, but his head lowered and Selmak was then staring at Jack, causing the Colonel to shift uncomfortably.

"I fear there is more than enough guilt rolling around as it is.  You need not unduly burden yourself, Colonel O'Neill.  It's best we all move forward and not get stuck looking ever backwards."

Jack nodded noncommittally.  "I don't think I ever thanked you, Selmak."

Selmak's wry smile curled Jacob's lips.  "For what?  Leading your teammate on a wild chase across the galaxy?"

Jack couldn't quite adopt her levity or teasing tone.  Letting go of the past was easier said than done.

"No," Jack said staidly.  "For doing whatever it was you did to bring her back."

Jack was fairly certain Selmak could see past the oblique words.  For Sam had come back in more than one way.  Not just back to Earth, but back to herself.  Or perhaps even as something more than she had been, something that Jack was just beginning to recognize in her himself.

Selmak's expression finally matched Jack's seriousness.  "It was my honor," she said simply.

Jack nodded once in understanding and made to leave the room, but Jacob called him back.  "Why don't you sit for a while?  It gets boring in here with only Selmak for company," he said, his soft teasing not quite obliterating the remaining shadows in his eyes.

Jack hadn't planned on lingering, but found he couldn't ignore the request by this Carter either.  So Jack sat down, untangled his yo-yo and engaged a rather stilted conversation about mundane things. 

Eventually Jack got around to the million dollar question Jacob was sure to tire of hearing.

"What do you plan to do now, Jacob?"

"We're going to stay until we hear about Sam," Jacob needlessly clarified.  They were all on edge waiting for the final verdict on Sam's career.  She'd spent the last few days in meetings already.  As for Jack, he had one or two blackmail plans in his back pocket if things didn't turn out the way he thought they should.  He imagined Jacob wouldn't hesitate to help, either.

"And then?" Jack prodded.

"Pangar," Jacob answered unexpectedly.

Of all the planets to relocate to, Jack had to figure that the one decimated by rogue elements of your society was *not* at the top of the list.

"Are you sure that's wise?" Jack asked mildly rather than giving into the urge to ask if Jacob had completely lost his mind.

Jacob's smile let Jack know that he heard the unspoken question just as clearly.  He leveled Jack with the patented 'I am of a superior race, but I will begrudge you your youthful ignorance' look at which the Tok'ra at large excelled.

It was Selmak who eventually answered.  "Too long have the Tok'ra lived in tunnels, skulking about and pretending to be that which we hate.  It is time to live among people as Egeria did and to help them.  Help them rebuild what we have destroyed...and maybe rebuild ourselves."

Jack leaned back in his chair.  It was a bold decision and he was reminded that the repercussions of the Tok'ra civil war and Egeria's uncovered legacy would be far reaching in more ways than any of them could imagine.

Jack simply nodded, there being nothing more to say.  He let a comfortable silence fall between them and went back to playing with his yo-yo.  He was in the middle of a sweet cat in the cradle when Jacob spoke again.

"There is something I'd like to ask you about, Jack," he said.

"Hmmm?" Jack absently replied.

"I'm wondering why I have a disturbingly vivid memory of kissing you."

Jack's finger slipped and the yo-yo went careening into an expensive looking piece of medical equipment.  Crap, Janet was going to kill him.  Jack looked up to find Jacob still staring expectantly up at him, his face dangerously unreadable.  Double crap.

"Can't speak to Selmak's fantasy life, Jake," Jack improvised, trying to ignore the way the walls felt like they were closing in.  He glanced at the silent sirens, willing them to activate.  This was a particular memory he didn't want to even think about, let alone discuss with a General-cum-Tok'ra who happened to be Carter's dad.

Jacob's eyes narrowed.   "I don't think I'll bother telling you Selmak's response to that."

Jack decided that he had better start thinking quick, but he was far too freaked out by Sam's dad having a memory of her kissing him to get his brain moving.  He finally gave up and just made a face. 

"That is just *so* wrong," he grumbled. 

"Tell me about it," Jacob agreed wholeheartedly.  "Selmak has sworn to bury it in the deepest reaches of my darkest subconscious.  But I'd still like an explanation."

"Jacob...," Jack drawled out in a pained voice, managing to verbalize both his discomfort and confliction about the entire issue.

Neither man said anything for a while.  Jacob just stared at the ceiling and Jack imagined he was listening to Selmak.  Any sick humor to be found in the situation rapidly leaked away.

"I'm trying to be angry or indignant," Jacob eventually continued, still not meeting Jack's eye.  "I just...."  The older man shrugged tiredly.  "I hate that there are whole parts of my daughter's life that I know nothing about.  I hate that she had to pick something so...," he seemed to mentally shift through various adjectives, eventually settling on "impossible."

Jack lowered his head into his hands, his fingers scrubbing agitatedly against his scalp.  Part of him wished Jacob could manage to get pissed, maybe even take a swing at him.  Hell, he'd even be happy to listen to a long lecture about military protocol and his responsibility as a team commander.  Anything would be better than the aching hopelessness that seemed to infect the man.  Jack wanted to yell that the last thing they needed was his pity and that their lives were perfectly fine they way they were, thank you very much. 

But it wasn't as easy to lie to Jacob as it was to lie to himself and it's only been a few months since he watched Carter welcome death at the foot of an enemy soldier.

Jacob didn't live inside a carefully honed shell of rationalizations like Jack did.  He didn't need to have the score laid out for him; he could well imagine what this sort of situation would do to his daughter.  It didn't matter that nothing had ever happened between them before that day.  No parent would ever wish their child to live with a choice between love and duty.  Unrequited feelings made for a great fairytale, but a poor life.

There was nothing for Jack to say, no reassurances or promises that he could make to take the tiredness from Jacob's eyes.  It didn't matter that neither he nor Sam had ever chosen to live in this endless limbo.  It only mattered that they did.

And Jacob could no longer hide behind ignorance, feigned or not.

"On second thought, Jack," Jacob said, rolling stiffly over on his side and away from Jack, "I don't want an explanation at all."

Jack knew he was being dismissed, but he still struggled with something, anything to say.  Unfortunately, an explanation was the one thing Jack didn't have.

"I'm sorry," Jack said lowly, surprised by the hoarseness of his voice.

There was nothing more to say.

As Jack retreated from the room, however, he could just barely hear Jacob mumble, "I just wish I didn't know how she feels."

Jack wasn't sure if he was meant to hear that or not.

*     *     *

The committee sent from the Pentagon was comprised of a standard selection of servicemen from various branches of the military, but far in the back of the room were a few civilians in nondescript black suits that caused them to stand out starkly in the sea of uniforms.  Hammond had ensured that SG-1 would be included in all of the briefings as representatives of the SGC, though it was understood that they were not there in any official capacity.  Jack understood that to mean he was supposed to keep his mouth shut.  Which he did, even if he didn't like the look of the civilian liaisons.

Sam handled the briefings with grace, which was no less than Jack expected of her.  But there was a tiny edge of insouciance that Jack had rarely seen in Sam, a tiny spark of spunk that was maybe an inheritance of Selmak.  Or maybe Jack was still just looking for excuses for her behavior.

Sam answered the endless litany of questions carefully and clearly, never raising her voice or showing emotion, though Jack noticed the way she would speak slower sometimes, her breathing carefully controlled, fingers clenching slightly, primarily when discussing Keren.

Jack didn't even blink when she unapologetically glossed over SG-1's involvement in her recovery of Egeria's Legacy.  He'd like to say that she didn't need to protect him or anyone else on SG-1, but the truth was that she probably did.  There was always someone looking for any crack to get any leverage over the control of the SGC.  Especially the civilian intelligence groups, of which the quietly menacing men in the back of the room were no doubt representative.   Daniel may have thought he was safe from recrimination as a civilian scientist, but Jack wasn't any more willing to risk that than Sam apparently was.

Jacob and Selmak carefully mirrored Sam's story in every aspect, even the glaring omissions, enough so that Jack was fairly certain that Selmak and Sam had hammered out their stories before they were separated.

Three days of briefings and the military panel departed, each taking the time to shake Sam's hand, their respect of her clear.  The civilians were a little less courteous, their disappointment that they failed to dig up any useful dirt equally clear.  But with all of them gone, everyone was able to breath a little easier, knowing all that was left was the verdict.

"The Pentagon has been satisfied, Major Carter.  They have settled for a mention of these events in your permanent record, but have forgone pressing any official charges."

Jack sat a few feet to the side of Sam, who stood at parade rest before Hammond's desk.  Apparently Sam's contributions to the program had been deemed more important than her abandonment of her post, Jack mused.  But she was not completely unscathed.  Her actions would forever live on as a black mark in her files.  Jack knew this meant promotion beyond Colonel would probably be forever out of reach.

Jack watched her carefully for any sign that she realized the implication.  But Sam just smiled and shook her head at the similar concern on Hammond's face.

"It's okay, really," she said.

As surprising as her casual acceptance of her hamstrung career was, Jack believed she actually meant it.  There was a time Jack would have said her career meant everything to her.  Maybe he'd been wrong.  Or maybe, he hoped, she'd finally come to accept what most of them had long known: she didn't need rank to prove herself worthy.

"Well," Hammond said briskly, pushing past the awkward moment.  "The least we can do is get you back where you belong.  I'll have Santos reassigned immediately."

"Actually, sir," Sam said, taking a small step forward. "That may not be necessary."

It seemed Sam Carter had mastered the ability to surprise Jack during her absence, because for the second time in as many minutes he found himself unprepared for her words.  He could only see her profile and had little hope of finding any enlightenment in her expression.

"Excuse me, Major?" Hammond asked, unknowingly echoing Jack's confusion.

"It is my understanding that Major Grimes has retired from field duty," Sam said, pausing for confirmation from Hammond. 

He nodded slowly, still obviously confused by the direction this briefing was taking.

"I was wondering, sir," Sam continued, "if you might consider me for his replacement."

"SG-7?" Hammond asked, his eyes darting briefly to Jack.  But Jack was too busy trying to look like he wasn't completely blindsided to be of any help to Hammond.

"Yes, sir," Sam replied.

She hadn't discussed this with Jack.  Not a single word.  And the way she didn't so much as glance in his direction made him think that was intentional.  What the hell was she doing?

"Let me get this straight," Hammond said, his voice sharp with incredulity.  "Are you requesting transfer out of SG-1?"

"Yes, sir, I am," she confirmed.

Hammond sat back in his chair, finally contemplating what she had requested. Eventually he leaned forward and steepled his fingers thoughtfully.  "You've been under a lot of strain lately, Major.  Maybe you would like to take a day or two to consider this."

Sam's disappointment at that non-answer was clear.  This was obviously something she was serious about.  It wasn't like Sam to do something so drastic without a lot of thought.  But Jack has spent most of the last week being surprised by her.  What possible reason could she have to leave SG-1?

With Jacob's words still so fresh in his mind, Jack couldn't help but wonder if she was doing this because of what had happened between them.  But Jack discounted that thought the moment it surfaced.  SG-1 meant too much to her to throw it away on her feelings.  They'd both proven that time and time again.

But then why?

"It's a command position," Jack said as the answer finally clicked into place.

For the first time, Sam turned slightly to look at Jack, her eyes wide and hopeful.

"So it is," Hammond said.

"She's been ready for her own command for a while," Jack said.

"It's certainly something to discuss," Hammond replied.  He glanced over at Sam.  "Would you mind giving us a moment, Major?"

Sam nodded briskly.  "Of course.  Sirs."

The door clicked softly behind her, leaving Jack alone with Hammond.

"You seemed just as pole-axed by her request as I did, Colonel, so I won't bother asking if you knew this was coming."

Jack smiled wryly, chagrined to have been so easily read by the General.

Hammond leaned back in his chair, the creak of leather filling the silent office.  "Any thoughts?"

Jack pushed to his feet and paced the length of the room a couple times.  "As I said, General, she's been ready for a while.  I think had she been anyone else on any other team, she would have been moved a long time ago."

Hammond chuckled.  "No one wanted to break up the SG-1 magic."

"Yeah," Jack confirmed.  "Personally I'm grateful as hell for that, but maybe it hasn't exactly been fair to her."

Hammond nodded his agreement, drumming his fingers on the desk.  "SG-7 isn't a front line unit."

"I'm sure she's aware of that, sir," Jack said.  "But maybe that's a good choice for her.  She can advance her military experience as well as continue with her scientific interests."

"Smart choice," Hammond commented.  "But I guess we shouldn't expect anything less from her."

"No, sir," Jack said, giving up on his pacing and collapsing back down in his chair.

"It seems she has really thought this out," Hammond mused.

Jack just nodded silently, still trying to process the surprising turn of events.

"And you would be fine with keeping Santos?"

Jack shrugged.  "He's a good soldier.  And bright.  Maybe not in the Carter-genius range, but then again, who is?"

Jack couldn't quite believe he was sitting here helping talk Hammond into stealing Sam away from his team.  But if this was that important to her, he'd do what he could.

"Let me give this some thought, Jack.  We can meet again tomorrow."

"Yes, sir," Jack said, backing out of the office.

He wasn't even remotely surprised to find Sam lurking out in the hallway.

"He's considering it," Jack informed her.

She nodded gratefully, looking relieved.  "Thank you."

"Sure," Jack said with a shrug before starting down the hallway and away from her.

"Sir," Sam called out, and Jack reluctantly paused.  He really didn't want to have this conversation. 

"I'm sorry I didn't talk to you first," she said.

"You don't owe me any explanations, Carter."  He knew he was being obtuse and possibly even a little petulant, but he was vacillating between anger and hurt, and not wanting to admit either.

Sam stared at him in dismay and he took that as his cue to leave.

"See you tomorrow, Carter," he said.

But he didn't get very far.  He distinctly heard her exclaim, "Oh, for...," before grabbing his arm and pulling him into the nearest open room.  She shut the door after them and stood stubbornly in front of it.

"What are you doing?" he asked with exasperation.

"Look," Sam said, "I know I totally blindsided you in there-."

"Yes," he interrupted, "yes, you did."  He didn't mean for his tone to be so harsh, which was exactly why he hadn't wanted to do this right now.  He needed time to think.  Preferably far, far away from her.  Or he might say something they would both regret.

"I'm sorry," she said.  "I truly am.  I just didn't know any other way to do this."

"Did you think that if you came to me, I would try to talk you out of it?"

"No," she said.  "Of course not."

With her standing there, looking so sincere and a little desperate, Jack had to admit that most of his anger stemmed from the fear that she no longer felt that she could come to him.  After all, of all things, her career had been the one safe thing he could guide her about.

"I was scared I would talk me out of it," she confessed.

Jack didn't know what the hell that was supposed to mean.

"I don't want to leave SG-1," she admitted.  "Part of me is terrified even of the idea."

"Then why?"

And maybe that was the real kicker for Jack.  He needed to know why.

She looked uncomfortable with the question, shifting her weight slightly from foot to foot for a moment. 

"This isn't about what happened that day in the forest," she said, almost as if reading Jack's mind.  "That's not why I made this request."

Right, the planet.  And the kiss that they should probably talk about.  But she looked just as reluctant to do that as he was, so he knew there was little chance.

She sighed softly, clenching her fists by her side as if fighting something before she seemingly forced herself to look Jack straight in the eye.

"I've felt...trapped for so damn long now that somewhere along the line I stopped even noticing.  But something happened out there...something hard to explain.  I just realized that I wasn't stuck, I never had been.  I was just...standing still."

That explanation was so far from anything Jack might have expected to hear come out of her that he just continued to stare.

"So this is me, moving forward."

Her eyes dropped away from his with her last words, as if waiting to hear what he had to say about that.  But Jack didn't _have_ anything to say to that startling revelation.  He was all mixed up between awe in the face of her personal enlightenment and disappointment that this really did have nothing to do with him, between anger at her for abandoning SG-1 and pride for her move to command.  All the while, she stood there, eyes averted, her posture screaming out for him to just understand why she needed this.

So, in the end, Jack did the only thing he could.  He nodded at her and said, "I meant what I said, Carter.  You were ready a while ago."

She must have sensed something of his self-censure in his words because she reached out and grabbed his arm as he made to leave the room.  

"I don't regret any of my time on SG-1," Sam said, as if needing him to understand that this wasn't a rejection or an accusation.  "I wouldn't give up one second.  I'm just not sure I'd be staying for the right reasons anymore."

"Hey," Jack said gamely, hoisting a smile on his face in an attempt to finally rein in his runaway feelings.  "I'm just glad I got to keep you as long as I did."

She looked confused by his words, as if trying to ferret out the multiple meanings in that statement.  Ironically, he wasn't sure what exactly he meant by it either.  He pulled her hand off his arm, squeezing it briefly before letting go.

"You're going to be great, Carter," he said.

And then Jack reached for the handle, pulled the door open, and walked out of the room.


	12. Settling

Wednesday dinners were a tradition born soon after Sam's transfer off of SG-1.  Every Wednesday that they were both on world, Jack and Sam would spent a few hours together over a meal. 

They had started as nothing more than Sam and Jack holed up in his office with Chinese takeout.  She'd broken the first awkward moment when she appeared at his office door with a question about some field protocol or another.  Jack had answered the question while she pulled out boxes of food.  As she would for the next few weeks, Sam spent the next two or three hours peppering him with questions, which he duly answered more out of confusion than anything else.  

But the tradition was born.

After the first few meetings, Jack began to think of the food as bribery or payment for becoming Sam's de facto mentor in all things command.  Jack suspected that Sam was so attuned to asking his advice that she was continuing the practice without thinking.  But that supposition was quickly proven wrong, as Sam was just as likely to take Jack's advice as she was to politely ignore it.  From the very beginning she was clearly making this command her own.  That left Jack with the uncomfortable idea that she weekly sought his companionship purely out of respect for their now defunct command relationship.  Maybe she didn't want him to feel obsolete.  He hadn't really, until that thought surfaced.

But before his personal affront could derail the weekly meetings, they were eating in actual restaurants outside of the mountain, wearing civilian clothing and an entire evening could pass without any discussion of command responsibilities or training techniques.

Jack was left with the realization that these meals were about something else entirely.

They certainly weren't dates.  That was made abundantly clear in a thousand subtle, yet unmistakable ways.  They always drove separately.  Payment for the meal was split neatly in half.  They frequented popular, brightly lit establishments that were more likely than not to house other SGC personnel out and about enjoying their time off.  

Maybe it was stupid, but to Jack the very obviousness of their behavior was the clearest indicator that Sam hadn't intended the dinners to be anything more than they were.  She was never nervous or secretive and made no attempt to hide the meetings.  It was nice, really, Jack told himself.  They had spent years avoiding this very situation, but now there was no guilt or fear.  And Sam...the only word Jack could come up to describe her now was light.  She was almost weightless.  

Watching her indulge in some favorite sweet, Jack was finally able to put his finger on what exactly had changed about her.  Sam had always been one to look towards the future, always booking on that next promotion, the next great discovery.  She was always reaching.

But here, sitting across the table in a crowded restaurant, he saw something in her he hadn't even realized was missing: contentment.  Like she had stopped searching because she had finally found what she was looking for.  Like she no longer felt the endless drive to prove herself.

She looked at peace.

Not that she didn't still have her fair share of burdens.  She'd been granted the command of SG-7, but no sooner had she taken control of the team than another member had stepped down from field duty.  Captain Lewis was quick to assure Sam that her command had nothing to do with the career change as much as his wife's eminent birth of their third child, but Jack knew Sam couldn't help but wonder at the sudden desertion.  Luckily the other two remaining members of SG-7 seemed happy to stay.  So Sam was left with one civilian scientist and a medical sergeant, but also with the added difficulty of picking a new team member.

Easier said than done.

"Hammond's given me 24 hours to make a final decision," Sam grumbled, dropping a pizza on the table between them one Wednesday night.  

Jack smiled smugly even as he began helping her shift through the files in search of that elusive perfect candidate.  She already had three weeks.  The general must gave come to the end of his considerable patience to give her this latest ultimatum.

"Now maybe you'll have a little more sympathy for the difficulties I had replacing Daniel," Jack commented gamely, tossing another file in the 'No Way' pile that teetered dangerously high on his desk.

Sam didn't reply and Jack looked up to find her staring intently at her soda.

"Yeah," she replied noncommittally a moment later.

"Daniel still being an ass?" Jack ventured, when she said nothing further.

Sam smiled gamely, but it was a bit jagged for his taste.  

"He'll come around," Jack promised.

She nodded mutely and returned to shifting through the pile of folders with a heavy sigh.

Jack wanted to kick himself for even mentioning Daniel.  Or maybe just kick Daniel.  As expected, the news of Sam's transfer was a bit of a surprise to all.  While Jack had reluctantly accepted the importance of the move and Teal'c had simply beamed proudly at Sam, Daniel had been less than pleased, no matter how much he had tried to hide it.  It was almost as if he took Sam's reassignment as a betrayal.

Jack couldn't even remember the last time he'd seen Daniel really speak to her more than simply returning her hopeful greetings with unerring civility.  Unsurprisingly, it was getting to her.

"I don't suppose you'd let me have Santos," Sam said, interrupting Jack's thoughts.

"Hands off, Carter.  Get your own geek!" he replied with mock indignation, more than happy to let her change the subject.

Her eyebrow rose with feigned umbrage, but the next moment she laughed and poked him with her elbow 'accidentally' as she grabbed another folder.

Yes, Jack thought, she's definitely lighter, Daniel drama and all.  He reached around and grabbed the last slice of pizza off her plate, ignoring her loud protest and another elbow jabbing him playfully in the ribs.

Nope.  Definitely not dating.  But somehow, Jack could almost convince himself that this was better.

*     *     *

Sam reread the mission file for at least the twentieth time.  She could probably recite the whole thing word for word if required to, but that didn't stop her from reading it again.  In just a few hours, after weeks of training and bonding exercises, she was taking her new team off world for the first time.  She had complete confidence in each member of her team and knew that they worked well together.

But that didn't keep her from being a bit obsessive.

She ridiculously felt like everyone in the base was watching her, trying to see if the high and mighty Samantha Carter, former member of the flagship team, actually had what it took to lead.  But Reynolds and the other team leaders had been nothing but welcoming and courteous to Sam, and she knew neither Hammond nor Jack would let her set one foot off world if they didn't think she was ready.  So maybe the only person looking for Sam to fail was herself.

Maybe she would just read the report one more time...

When she refocused on her desk, though, there was a slender crystal flute full of sparkling liquid sitting where the file used to be.  She looked up to find Jack leaning against her desk, another glass in his hand.

"Your first mission," he said.  "I think that deserves a toast."

Sam smiled, absurdly grateful for the gesture.  She still hesitated, thinking that drinking champagne only hours before her first mission was probably not the smartest move.  But Jack looked at her in askance so she picked it up, raising it slightly.  

"What are we toasting to?" 

"How about great discoveries and safe returns?"

"Sounds good to me," Sam said, tapping her glass gently against Jack's.    S

he took a small sip and almost laughed when the liquid hit her tongue.  She swallowed with difficulty and looked up at Jack who had finished off his glass in one go.

"Sparkling apple cider, sir?"  Sam asked.

Jack smiled and produced the bottle to pour himself a refill.  "I think champagne would be a little inappropriate right before a mission, Major."

Sam knew he was mocking her, but for once she didn't really care.  Mission file forgotten, she finished off her glass and held it out for a refill.

She could do this.

A few hours later, Sam stepped through the wormhole with her team, the euphoria of setting foot on a new world greeting her like an old friend.  

Three faces turned to her as she stepped out into the bright sunshine, looking for orders.  Sam gave herself one moment to take a deep breath, and then all hesitation dropped away.

Bring on that next great discovery.

*     *     *

Daniel had always been a student of human behavior.  He watched people as they bustled about their lives and gave the chaos patterns and meanings.  He could look at an object and see what it meant to people; he could will himself into the lives and psyche of long dead people purely by touching a statue or speaking a forgotten text.  He was perceptive, understanding and willing to believe the best of people, even after years of having it come back and bite him in the ass.

He was an optimist.

But he couldn't forgive Sam.

Sure, part of him had always known the day would come when SG-1 would lose someone.  Jack to promotion, Teal'c to his torn loyalties, or any one of them to the hovering specter of death.  What he had never considered was that Sam might just walk away from them.  Not even for Jack.

Daniel wasn't blind.  He had daily lived with barely concealed subtext for seven long years.  Forbidden attraction was quickly absorbed as just another part of the team dynamic, nothing more important or less profound than Teal'c and Daniel's own losses and unique concerns.  Jack's son, Sam's mother.  All of these currents had bled together to form a coherent, if not unconventional, unit.

But Sam made the move that pulled all of that apart and Daniel was left to wonder if he was doomed to always feel like an orphan. 

He didn't want to begrudge her happiness. He just wasn't ready to accept that SG-1 had to be the sacrifice.  Not that Sam didn't make a concerted effort to spend time with each of them.  Even Santos was a regular presence in Sam's lab these days.  She sparred with Teal'c at least twice a week.  And then there were the infamous dinners with Jack that the whole base was buzzing about.

Not that Daniel ever paid much attention to SGC rumors.  After all, he only had to look at either one of them to know that nothing was going on.

Maybe that should have made Daniel feel better, but it didn't.  It just pissed him off even more.  And since he wasn't really talking to Sam all that much, it left Jack as his main target.

Unsurprisingly, Daniel found Jack standing in the briefing room overlooking the gate room.  SG-7 was gearing up for their third mission together.  Somewhere during his time on SG-1, Daniel had developed the sick habit of watching Jack watch Sam.  And here he was again.

"I don't understand you two," Daniel said without preamble, not bothering to hide the obvious annoyance in his tone.  "You two are finally free to be with each other and you do nothing.  Isn't this what you always wanted?"

Jack stiffened at Daniel's indignant tone; though it might have also been a reaction to the fact that Daniel had just gracelessly smashed open a topic mutually agreed upon as off-limits years ago.  Either way, Daniel couldn't bring himself to care.

Jack remained still for a long time and when he finally spoke, his tone was much calmer than Daniel would have expected.  
"I guess it never occurred to you that none of this has anything to do with me," Jack replied evenly, almost as if he had been anticipating this confrontation.  His composed response just pissed Daniel off even more.

"Of course it does," he snapped.

Only then did Jack turn to Daniel, his eyes intense.  "No, it doesn't," he said firmly.  "This is about her."

Daniel stared at Jack for a moment before looking out the windows onto the Stargate below.  Sam leaned casually against the ramp railing, observing one of her team members secure supplies to the back of a rover.  The younger man instinctively looked up at Sam, asking her a question.  Sam nodded back at him and patted him congenially on the shoulder.  

The wormhole sprang into life and Daniel could vaguely hear Hammond giving her team a go.  Sam saluted smartly and as her arm dropped her eyes strayed briefly up to the briefing room, resting on her ex-teammates.  Unbelievably, she winked at them before turning her attention to her team, leading them through the gate.

She seemed at ease and in charge, things Daniel had seen in her a thousand times before, but somehow it was different, almost...effortless.  

"I thought...," Daniel said inanely, his anger deflating rapidly.

"Yeah," Jack breathed.  "I know."

Jack's face showed an uncharacteristic moment of something Daniel hesitated to call wistfulness, but that was the only word that seemed to fit.

It took Daniel another two days to consider that maybe Jack was right, maybe this was about Sam.  Daniel had actually convinced himself this was all about the thing that had been between Jack and Sam all these years.

The next day, when SG-7 stepped back through the wormhole covered head to foot in a startlingly bright red coat of dust, Daniel was there waiting.  Sam noticed him as soon as she stepped through, but she didn't turn to speak to him until after she had completed the homecoming ritual of incoming teams.

Weapons having been returned to the arms locker and her team corralled towards the infirmary, Daniel fell into step next to her.  They were almost all the way to the elevator before Daniel finally found his voice to say something.

"Do you think...we could have dinner tonight, Sam?" he asked.

Sam paused before the open elevator door, peering at him through red-rimmed eyes.  Eventually she smiled, flashing white teeth.  "After a trip to Janet and a thorough shower, I'm all yours."

Daniel wanted to sag against the wall with relief, but instead he took a moment as she disappeared behind sliding doors to wonder how long she had been waiting for him to ask.

Daniel was pretty sure he didn't deserve it, but Sam fell back into their friendship as if there had never been a three month stretch of tension between them.  He supposed it was her way of telling him that she could forgive him anything.

Through most of the meal she regaled him with stories of her missions, such as the Evil Red Dust of P7A-846.  If Daniel needed any more proof that her move hadn't been a good thing for her, that meal certainly provided it. 

It wasn't until they were lingering over dessert that Sam finally broached the unspoken topic of her time away from the SGC.

"When I was being held by Keren...," Sam began hesitantly and Daniel held his breath, because this was the first time she had ever broached the subject of her torture with him outside of her official reports.  

"I had these...hallucinations," she finished, darting uncertain eyes towards Daniel.

Daniel kept his face blank and nodded slightly in encouragement.

"I think I'd had a stroke or something...but still."  Sam gave a short, self-conscious laugh.  "You were there and you were there...," she joked.

Daniel smiled softly.  "What did we say?"

Sam absently played with her drink.  "Oh...you know.  Swift kick to the mikta and all that."

Daniel nodded in understanding.

"It was after you all left...  There were these three...mes."

"Three...Sams?" Daniel asked in clarification.

"Yeah," Sam said with a wry smile.  "One of them was like G.I. Jane on steroids and another was a female Felger." 

Daniel suppressed a laugh at the images her words created.  "And the third?" he asked.

Sam's face became serious once more.  "I...I didn't know about her for a long time.  She looked...so normal.  At first I wondered if she was like some Normal Sam.  The one who could be a mother, a wife.  All the stuff that I've never had.  But she was more than that.  She was the one who stuck with me, telling me to trust myself.  She was in my dreams, in my vision.  I thought she might have been haunting me there for a while.

"I think I finally understand her now, though.  The other two were like...my self-projected images, the way I want people to see me.  But I think the other one...I think she was what I could be, what I wanted to be.

"She was just...so sure of everything.  She was content in her own skin."

Daniel was nearly overwhelmed by everything Sam had been through those weeks she was missing.  But he could see it now, the ways she had changed.  He could see that it was good for her.

"That's why you left SG-1," Daniel concluded.

Sam looked up at Daniel, her eyes now hopeful, proving to Daniel that he had been a bit more obvious about his feelings of abandonment than he had intended.  He wondered how long she had been waiting for him to reach out, to let her explain.

"She told me once...that I wasn't stuck, I was just standing still.  I think it was then that I realized there were really only two things keeping me on SG-1," she said hesitantly.  "I stayed because I love you guys.  You're my family."

"And the other?" Daniel asked.

Sam hesitated as if trying to think of the right words.  "Following is easy, Daniel.  Maybe too easy."  

Daniel nodded, trying to wrap his mind around what she was saying.

"I think I stayed so long because it was safe.  But that safety is just an illusion.  And I'm not going to hide behind it anymore," she said intently, her fingers closing tightly around her drink.

There she was, doing the brave thing, and all Daniel had done was condemn her for it.

"I'm sorry, Sam," he started, just to have her cut him off by grabbing his hand.

She smiled warmly at him, his behavior the last few months already forgotten.

And all Daniel could think was how much he'd missed her.

*     *     *

SG-7's luck lasted exactly six months, which was nearly twice as long as Sam might have expected, even for a non-front line unit.  She suspected that's why they couldn't have settled for merely one inconvenience, but rather they had to have trouble set upon them in seemingly unending waves.  The mission began innocently enough, a mild week on PF3-736 with nothing more pressing than an in depth geological survey.  Everything was fine until they crossed over into the low lying foothills to collect a few more samples and unknowingly wandered into the territory of a previously undiscovered primitive (if not bizarrely well armed) civilization.

They were left alone for the better part of two days before the first pair of men wandered into their camp, waving primitive tools and barking loudly in a language none of them were familiar with.   Taking the display as a warning to leave their territory, Sam had her team pack up while the natives watched and carefully work their way back down out of the mountains.  They'd seemed appeased, but apparently SG-7's transgression was even more dire than originally realized.

The natives reappeared early the next day, this time with reinforcements armed with a strange conglomeration of Goa'uld weapons.  The next two days turned into an evolving game of hide and seek, SG-7 steadily working their way back towards the gate, with the inhabitants of '736 always a step or two behind.

The terrain was rough, pockmarked with ancient lava tubes and decaying volcanic rock underneath a thin veneer of grass and brush growing in the shade of trees.  It was the land itself that, often enough, was the biggest enemy of an SG team.  Captain Silverman, through no negligence of his own, managed to take a nasty tumble, an audible crack sounding through the forest.  A broken leg would have been a painful, but minor enough inconvenience if it hadn't been for the continuous pursuit of the natives.  They were already two days overdue and had been unable to relay their situation back to the SGC due to some special quality of the rocks in this region.

The impromptu triage gave Sam time to rethink the whole situation, particularly the abrupt change of their luck from bad to worse.  She wasn't sure what else could possibly go wrong, but was at least smart enough not to voice it.

"We must have trespassed on sacred ground to make them this angry," Dr. Ortiz surmised from her position against a bank of boulders SG-7 had taken refuge behind.

"No kidding," Sam said, wiping absently at the trickle of blood attempting to run into her eyes.  She couldn't remember exactly how she had received the wound, but after two days running guerilla style through the forest, they each sported some sort of wound by now.  Add to that the general lack of sleep and the situation was looking rather dire.

Sam dared raise her head momentarily above their makeshift barrier.  A quick count cataloged at least six natives a few hundred yards across a small gully before a staff blast forced Sam back under cover.

"Garret!" Sam called out as the dust settled around them.

"Yes, Ma'am!" the young sergeant chirped as he instantly materialized at her side.   Sam decided now was not the time to discuss his overly enthusiastic use of honorifics yet again and settled for briefly rolling her eyes as she took another shot at their attackers to maintain the distance between them.

"How far left to the gate?"

"Only a mile, Major.  We've almost completed an entire circle," he said, pulling out a map showing their wayward journey.

"Leave me here," Captain Silverman interrupted.  "I can hold them off long enough for you to get reinforcements."

Sam glanced at Silverman, noting the green tinge to his face and the determined way he gripped his P-90.   He had somehow pegged himself as the newest member and therefore the one with the most to prove.   Sam was more than ready for him to get over that.

"Noble sentiment, Silverman," Sam remarked, ducking out of the way of a wayward staff blast.  "If not completely stupid."

Sam didn't miss the beat of relief on the captain's face, though he did well to hide it quickly.

"This river," Sam said, turning back to the map.  "It stretches westernly before curling back to the gate."

"Yes, Ma'am.  It's rather circuitous though. That route is nearly five times longer."

"Sounds perfect."  Sam crawled over to sit next to Silverman, checking his splint.  Garret had done a good job with it.  One of the benefits of having a medic on the team, even it did mean they spent a lot of time looking at various types of alien moss.  "Sorry we can't give you morphine, Captain.  But we're going to need you alert if we're going to pull this off."

"May I ask what you have in mind?"

Sam ignored the question.  "Ortiz.  Any particular reason you think this is sacred ground?"

"I've been noticing piles of rocks that seem to be altars of some sort.  Probably sacred barriers meant to ward people off."

"So, hypothetically, if I destroyed one, they'd be pretty upset."

Ortiz nodded.

"Well, let's see how much I can piss them off.  You three stay here.  When they take off after me, I want you to head to the gate, double time."

Garret was the one to protest.  "You're injured, Major.  You won't stand much chance staying ahead of them with a concussion."

Sam tied a bandana tightly across her forehead to keep the blood out of her eyes.  "It's just a scratch.  Believe me, I've been concussed enough to know the difference."

And if she was lying, just a little bit, she just figured what they didn't know couldn't hurt them.

"Don't mistake that for a request," Sam said when nobody moved.

Reluctantly they all nodded and began rigging a stretcher for Silverman.  When it was done, Sam carefully crawled out and around the gully, ending up behind the natives while the others distracted them with spats of weapon's fire.  Sam pulled to a stop near three stone altars.  From this angle, she had a much better view, realizing there were actually ten men crouched there.

"Great," Sam muttered.  "The odds keep getting better and better."

With a silent apology to Daniel, who Sam was convinced would know she as abusing an archeological site even with a galaxy between them, she jumped to her feet, yelling loudly.  The natives turned in confusion just in time to see Sam take a swift kick to a nearby altar, scattering the stones.

Unsurprisingly, Sam's plan worked a little too well.  With enraged roars, they set off after her, their weapons fire riddling the forest around her.

"Great plan, Sam," she grunted as she sprinted from tree to tree, making sure they were continuing to follow.  "Now just try not to break your own leg."

By the time she hit the edge of the river, Sam had to reconsider the intelligence of this plan.  She wound in and out of the trees lining the water, intent on not making a bigger target of herself than needed.  Being chased by angry aliens had never been one of her favorite activities.  But she didn't allow herself to think of that, because her team was depending on her and in the adrenaline of the moment that was all that mattered.

"We're at the gate," Garret's voice announced over her radio a while later.  Thank goodness for that, because as far as Sam could tell from what she remembered of the map, she was less than a mile from the gate herself with an entire entourage on her heels.

"Dial it up and go through!" Sam barked back, not interrupting her long, even strides.  Five more minutes and she rounded the corner.  Her cover dropped away, but the Stargate was visible in the distance.

She was going to make it.  She was less than four hundred yards from the shimmering face of the wormhole with lungs burning and head swimming from her not-concussion, but she was going to make it. 

She should have learned by now not to make such stupid assumptions, even in the privacy of her own mind.  The blast came wild from her left where a native materialized out of the forest.  Burning pain in her back knocked her forward, face slamming into the dirt as all of her momentum abruptly came to an undignified stop.

More rustling in the woods behind her could be heard.  Maybe she wasn't going to make it after all.

Just before the natives reached Sam, though, a barrage of bullets made them temporarily fall back, giving her just enough time to scramble back to her feet, her shoulder burning.  

Just behind the DHD stood Ortiz, face determined and gun quite literally blazing.  "Get you ass moving, Sam!" she called.  
Sam bit back the pain and dug in, covering the last distance under Ortiz's cover.

They had barely materialized on the other side before Sam was turning to Ortiz and giving her a piece of her mind, gasping breath and all.

"What the hell was that, Ortiz?"

"That was me saving your life," she replied nonchalantly as the iris slid closed behind them.

"When I tell you to do something, I expect you-," Sam didn't get to finish what she had intended to be a rather stringent dressing down when she swayed abruptly.   Ortiz grabbed her arm, keeping Sam from making another face plant.

"You are so stubborn," she said and Sam wondered if she imagined the edge of pride in her voice.

Sam allowed herself to be laid out on a gurney, looking back at Ortiz when her vision cleared.  "Exactly how many times do you think you can get away with this civilian crap?"

The doctor laughed.  "Just often enough, I promise you."

"Don't give her a hard time, Ma'am.  She was just doing a little something you taught us," Silverman noted from his own stretcher, blissfully receiving morphine at last.  "Sometimes it takes heroics, even if they are completely stupid."

"Insubordinate," Sam mumbled as she finally lost her battle with consciousness.  "My entire team is insubordinate."

No one missed the edge of pride in her voice either.

When next Sam woke it was to find Jack perched on a chair, chin lowered into his hand.  Taking the unguarded moment to observe him, she noticed that he looked tired and a few days growth roughened his jaw.

She felt her stomach clench with something she had thought banished, swelling with guilt.

But then Jack glanced up, his face clearing at seeing her awake.

"Hey, Carter," he smiled, all tiredness hidden once more.

Sam ran a hand over the stitches on her face, looking gingerly around the room.  "My team?"

"Fine.  Ortiz and Garrett are keeping Silverman company.  Janet's decided to keep him around another day.  Apparently it was a nasty break."

Sam winced and she couldn't help running through the entire event again, trying to see if there was some way the accident could have been avoided.

"You got them home, Carter," Jack said, reading her mind.

Sam nodded.

"He's lucky really," Jack said, his voice full of suspicious levity.

"And why is that?" Sam asked, peering up at him.

"At least you didn't splint his leg for him."

*     *     *

Jack had just gotten home and was kicking his shoes off in anticipation of a long, hot shower when the doorbell rang.  Jack sighed heavily and considered not answering it.  But if it was Daniel, like he suspected, no amount of playing possum would get rid of him.

Jack impatiently yanked the door open to find Sam standing on his front porch, leaning slightly against his doorjamb.  

"Carter!  I didn't know you were getting out today," Jack said.

She smiled.  "Yeah, well, I can be persuasive when I need to be."

Jack understood the need to escape the infirmary as much as the next guy, but she didn't look particularly stable, standing there with her arm in a sling.  "How did you even get here?"

Sam turned back and waved.  He could see Daniel's car backing out of the driveway.

"Right," Jack said.

He must have looked confused though, because Sam ran a hand self-consciously through her hair and said, "It's Wednesday, isn't it?"

Was it?  Jack did a quick count in his head.  "So it is," he said with a smile. He grabbed for his coat behind the door and looked around for his shoes.  "You sure you feel up to going out?"

"I was thinking we could just stay in."

Jack stumbled over one of his shoes.

"If that's okay," she said, her face beginning to betray embarrassment.

It was only then that Jack realized he still had her standing out in the cold on his doorstep.  "Of course that's okay," he said, throwing the door open wide enough for it to ricochet off the wall.

Jack wasn't sure where his sudden spastic behavior came from, but in his defense, Sam was rather unapologetically smashing all the Wednesday Dinner rules.  Dinners at their homes, alone, was never part of the ritual.

He followed her into his family room, watching her gently lower herself on his couch.  She was in pain, he could see, no matter how much she was trying to hide it.  They fell into an awkward silence as all the comfort found in their previous meetings abandoned them.

Food, they clearly needed food.  But before Jack could flee the room, Sam finally got around to what she'd come here to say.

"It was close," she said softly, one hand coming up as if to shield her injured shoulder. "Not SG-1 close, but close enough."

Jack nodded uncertainly.  He knew exactly how close it had been, having read the reports.  But close was what they did everyday and Jack was more worried by the look on Sam's face, that haunted one he had hoped never to see again.

"You kept your head and got them home, Carter," he said.

Something in her expression shifted and he had the not unfamiliar feeling that he was missing something.

She looked down at her hands and picked absently at the edge of her shirt.  Then, still not looking at him, she asked, "Were you worried?"

"Was I...," Jack repeated dumbly.  That must be the stupidest question she'd ever asked him.  And he should know.  He kept track of this sort of thing.  Of course he'd been worried.  When he'd found out SG-7 was missing, he'd stayed on the base the entire time.

In the ensuing silence, Sam finally looked up at him, her face a startling blend of stubborn defensiveness and aching vulnerability.  She looked like she was resigning herself to something incredibly unpleasant and he realized with a jolt that whatever this was, it wasn't about her personal fear of close calls.

Jack pushed out of his chair, trying to think of the best way to answer her question.

"We were off-world when you missed your first check-in.  When we gated in the room was sort of eerily silent and we just knew something wasn't right," he explained as he watched her.  "Looking back, I think they expected me to make a scene."

Sam made a small sound of amusement.  "And did you?"

"No," he said, lowering himself down on the couch next to her, close, but not touching.

"Why not?"

He had been worried, of course, he would rather have her back and safe rather than out there somewhere in danger.  But he was surprised at the underlying confidence he felt.  He just knew, somehow, that she would make it back.  He had trained her himself, he knew that she was more than capable.

He remembered thinking that maybe he _could_ handle her running around the Universe on her own team.

Not that he didn't stay on the base the whole time she was missing, meeting every incoming wormhole.  He'd said he had faith in her, not that he was heartless.

"I knew you would make it back."

When she finally turned to look at him, Jack let his eyes travel from the stitches that stood out starkly against her pale face to the arm carefully cradled in a sling.  Suddenly Jack was back standing by her grave, Pete's words echoing in his ears.

 _I was the one who left, you know.  She came back with bruises, stitches and a busted leg and I just couldn't handle it.  I couldn't handle not being able to fix it, or be with her to keep her safe, or hell, even know what the she was really doing day by day._

Sam was still staring at Jack like she really wanted to believe what he was saying, but couldn't quite let herself.  He reached out and touched her face just below the line of stitches.

"I'm not going anywhere, Carter."

Her eyes widened and dropped away, but not before Jack saw relief in them.

"How do you do that?" she asked, leaning into his hand before he could pull it back.   "You always seem to understand me, even when I don't understand myself."

"Oh, don't worry.  I'm confused by you more often than not."

She smiled warmly, her hand lifting to rest on top of his.  "Not when it matters most."

A dozen different flippant responses automatically rose to the tip of Jack's tongue in reaction to her open sincerity.  Anything to create more distance between them.  But for once, he bit them back, needing to see where this was going because it was pretty clear that tonight all bets were off.

"Sam," he said, the word more of a question than anything.  But that one word broke more barriers than it erected.

She answered his unspoken question by leaning even closer into him, until he could feel her breath brushing warmly against the edge of his jaw.  "Just to be clear," she whispered, inches from his face, "this is not about testing for frogs."

Jack barely had time to connect that bizarre statement to anything before she was pressing her lips against his.  Jack opened his mouth in surprise, but Sam just took it as an opportunity to deepen the kiss.  By the time her tongue was tracing softly along his lower lip, Jack had completely forgotten anything but the warmth of her mouth.  His hands automatically moved to curl in her hair at the back of her head and the soft curve of her waist, almost as if nine months hadn't passed since they last experienced this and Teal'c had never interrupted them with his impeccable timing.

They spent long moments rediscovering the feel of each other.  Jack's hand slowly swept up the smooth flesh of Sam's side until he reached the soft underside of her breast.  He was rewarded by a soft humming sound deep in her throat that did crazy things to his blood pressure.  He pulled her up against his chest, reveling in the feel of her soft flesh molding to his body, when she hissed sharply in pain.

Jack instantly leaned back, looking her over carefully.  "Oh God, sorry. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she said with a smile that valiantly worked to hide a grimace of pain.  "We just might have to hold off on that for a while longer until I heal."

Jack's eyebrows shot up at her innuendo.  "Sam, are you sure-."

But Sam quieted his statement with another kiss, albeit a more chaste version.  She pulled back just far enough to meet his eyes.  "I wasn't pretending that kiss never happened, Jack.  I just...had to be sure that anything between us was for the right reasons and not about near-death experiences, or because of my fears.  I had to-."

It was Jack's turn to quiet her ramblings by covering her lips with his.  Too bad he'd never had this option in the old SG-1 debriefings.  "I understand," he said when he was sure she was breathless enough again to stay silent.

Her face softened, betraying that aura of simple contentment that he had come to associate with her.  Jack helped her shift positions until she was comfortably nestled against his side.  "I think I could get used to this," she murmured.

"Fine by me," he said, giving in to the urge to touch her face again.

She pulled his hand down, spreading his palm open wide on her lap.  "You never told me how you got this scar," she said, running her finger along the puckered skin.  "It wasn't there when I left."

Jack didn't doubt that she had a catalog of his scars in her mind, each of the times they were injured in the line of duty.  Each time they almost didn't make it back.  Jack knew SG-1's scars as well as his own.

"Debris from Keren's lab," Jack said, his voice hoarse with suppressed memories, the phantom bite of metal against his palm and the smell of singed flesh all around him.  "So I would never forget where you died."

"I didn't die there," she said softly, her head lowering to his chest.

"No," he agreed.

"In spite of everything that happened to me there, I think maybe that was where I found myself," she said.  "I know that sounds cheesy..."

"No," Jack reassured her.  "Maybe now the scar should remind me of something new.  About how you found your way back."

"And how I always will."

He knew as well as she did that that was a promise she didn't have the power to keep. But more than anything, it was a promise that she would never give up.  And that was enough.

Jack lowered his head to her hair and listened to her breathing stretch out long and even as she succumbed to much needed sleep.

He would be there when she woke up.

~The End~

  
 _It seems so far to go  
It took so long to get here  
Now I'm saying things I swore I'd never say  
And I'm afraid again_

 _I thought I had it in me  
I used to be so sure  
There I was stronger than ever  
Here I am blaming the hurt_

 _And if I fall  
I will find a way back to my hands  
I'm the only one who can help me find my feet again._

If I Fall, by Tara Maclean


End file.
